The windup

My last week or so in Melbourne was full of fun things, and really quite a wonderful way to end such an intense year. We had our last concert for Opera Studio, which was fantastic. It really was wonderful to see the growth of the singers across the year. I remember feeling very nervous and intimidated when I first got to Opera School; I remember being overwhelmed with so many new faces and people to meet. And now, after living in each other's space for a ten months, it felt weird to part from them, and to know that we weren't going to be seeing each other every day. It was like deja vu as we stood around having some supper - it was just like morning tea on the very first day! Except now I knew everybody (rather than just three people or so...) and they were comforting, supporting and loving faces. I will admit that I will miss the fun things we do at Opera School; I will definitely miss the people very much. But time passes, we enjoy and take as much as we can from experiences and move on to the next thing, whatever it may be.

I lived in some friends' house for the first two weeks of December as my rental contract finished at the end of November. I remembered again why I hate living in temporary accommodation - the packing, the unpacking, the packing, the unpacking!!! I really can't wait until I have my own house. Permanent. Bliss! The friends in this house were very generous, and much fun to live with, even as a temporary housemate. Couldn't complain about the location either - right next to the church, one minute from the tram line. Particularly convenient, as I had a few rehearsals for Carols, as well as for MYO. To tell you the truth, it didn't really feel like holidays until Sunday evening, when these were all over; but it did feel good to be keeping busy, doing things that I enjoy. There was even a bit of time to catch up with some people (though not enough time to catch up with everybody. There never is, is there?). There was a wander to Brunswick Rd to meet up with a friend of my aunt's (who is an opera singer!) and to peruse a few shops. There are some excellent, exciting discoveries to be made there!

After one rehearsal, we drove out to a friend's house, which was 'open'. Not in the sense of they were selling their house, but that their doors were open to friends and family. It was a very pleasant evening, tinged with all sorts of emotions.

There was a friendly Unichurch vs. City on a Hill soccer match; I thought I'd head along - not much else to do on that evening, and I perhaps thought I'd feel even the tiniest bit more sporty just by WATCHING soccer. Right? We had to make sure that the girls sitting on the sidelines in support of our male friends and acquaintances did not act in a particularly girly way. Example: when ball comes flying at us, not to scream. Instead, stay calm and dodge ball in a relaxed and cool manner. The first half was dominated by CoaH, but Unichurch did well in the second half stepped up their game and scored a goal! It was terribly exciting - we were worried that the result was going to be a goal-less draw. Our enjoyment of being in the lead was fairly short-lived as CoaH scored an equaliser goal. Not long after that, Unichurch had the real opportunity for a winning goal. Unfortunately, one of our players collided into the goalpost and required some fairly urgent medical attention (which did not come for nearly two hours, I'm told). The ensuing photos that appeared on Facebook of the injury were quite disturbingly bloody but incited great fascination! Maybe it's a good thing that there was a draw then.

Carols on Carlton was fantastic - I'd never done a St Jude's carols event before, so it was exciting to be part of it. I still felt pretty shaky going into it even though we'd had a few (long!) rehearsals. Of course, this was a big event and there was a large band to suit the occasion. It was good to be playing with some regular faces (even in different roles!), as well as some others from different congregations. The rehearsals increased in intensity as we neared the day and realised that we had a lot of work to do! We played 21 songs, which is quite a lot, really. Given the estimation of our leader extraordinaire of allocating two hours for four songs (or perhaps more easily put, half an hour or so per song), we should have rehearsed for 10.5hrs. I'm not sure whether we did. Or maybe we did in total, but begs the question of what the most effective way to rehearse is. Is it more effective to spend a concentrated half hour on each song, or to spend the time in a more fragmented way across weeks? I've just read part of Dan Ariely's The Upside of Irrationality which talks about adaptation and how we can apply that to periods of enjoyment (and how to maximise it) and periods of pain (and how to minimise it) given that humans are quite adaptable beings. This has got me thinking about effective use of time. There was lots of to-ing and fro-ing on the #1 tram, which still made me late for stuff, but I suppose you can't make the trams go any faster than they already do. I can't believe we did the entire set for the soundcheck (this happened to be quite a theme for the weekend) - when we got to the actual thing, I wasn't sure if I had enough energy to sustain through it all again! But the excitement of the whole night gives one energy, and we had a fantastic time doing it all again. There were some surprises, but otherwise, it was all tight. And I was quite impressed by everybody's touch of red :) It was a pleasant evening - lovely to see so many people - some friends from Unichurch, some friends of Unichurch (and ex-Unichurchers), others from St Jude's, and people from the community. The children who danced at the very front put a big smile on my face! Two friends even came by just to check it out for a little bit, which was cool.

Following the night, all hands were on deck to help bump-out. After this year of Opera School, I have definitely seen all the large equipment that goes into making things like this possible, and the testament to many hands make light work! Of course, much of the equipment is quite heavy and highly unsuitable for me to be moving or lifting; I therefore asked for 'helpful girly jobs'. After helping out as much as we could, a little bunch of us went to get pizza. Yum. So satisfying. There's something about downing hot tasty pizza after a long day with friends. (That's eating pizza with friends, and a long day with friends.) Oh, and definitely a cold drink to wash it down with :)

The next day was another busy one; MYO's final concert! I had been looking forward to this concert since the end of last year - on the programme was Dvorak's Carnival Overture, Saint-Saens' Carnival of the Animals and Stravinsky's Petrushka. I had agreed to play in the Stravinsky and to cancel pretty much everything else that may crop up in order to do it! The rehearsals had gone quite well and I was feeling pretty confident about it; I had practiced this part intensely for a little while. But today was the heat intensifying - ABC Classic FM recorded it, so there was that added pressure of it being preserved forever! And there was an audience - who paid to come! So, trying not to freak out, I did it. I remember thinking while playing, "Just get on with the job, you can totally do it!" I did enjoy much of it - perhaps apart from the high-pressure sections. And then there are large sections of tacet that I can sit back and relax and just listen to the music!

After that, I felt more on holidays. Apart from a few meetings the next day. Hah. Holidays?
The first meeting I had was about work next year. Unfortunately, not terribly exciting and unfortunately, possibly a little demeaning. Oh well. I'm just trying to suck it up, and just get on with it. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it extremely much at the present, particularly in comparison to what other things I'll be doing (!!!) but I think the way to get through it is just to suck it up. And to take heart that I'll be living in an area that I like (including close to my church and shops, and some friends), it's one tram to the Academy and that my flatmate will be a good friend of mine.

My other meeting involved me meeting my new piano teacher for next year! I anticipated that it'd take about half an hour. However, an hour and a half later was when we wrapped up the meeting. I had gone in with some thoughts, but came out with three more pages of suggestions, listening ideas and technical exercises. One of the most exciting discussions was about my concerto for the concerto competition. Can I just note here that he (my teacher) has only heard me play twice - once in the chamber competition heat, and the second in my audition, when I played the same piece, and one bit of sight-reading. And somehow, he knew what I'd like. We talked about Beethoven (which I'll be playing lots of next year!), and I slipped in a segueway about my proposed concerto. He said, "I know which one!" and he was right. Exactly right. Uncanny, really. So, now I have a VERY large pile of books to look through and decide what I'd like to play. I'm impressed with the significant level of autonomy I'm being given in what I'd like to learn. It's strangely and incredibly liberating! A photo may come sometime to show this big pile.

A bunch of us went out for dinner at Shanghai Dumpling that night. I don't think anybody really anticipated that there would be about sixteen people sharing this banquet. I had heard about this banquet from friends across time, but this was my first experience of it. And yes, they just kept bringing out food. Wow. I was well and truly stuffed. And of course, after that feed, we needed to go for a drink. I have to admit that I was getting annoyed that I was part of one of those groups of peopel who wander around the city looking for somewhere to have a beverage! We finally went somewhere that was open a bit later on a Monday night (!) and stayed for a little while to enjoy some friendly company. My flight was the following day, very early (at 6.30am!), so I had considered not going to bed at all. To my great surprise, a few friends were willing to stay up all night, for the amusement factor. We stayed at the bar until they kicked us out, we tried to go to what we thought was a 24hr Pancake Parlour in the city (and failed), and then went home to hang out for another few hours until I had to leave for the airport! I was well and thoroughly amused at the longevity of the night and its fun stuff.

We watched the sun rise as we drove to the airport. I made it onto the plane and back home to Perth safely. This summer was supposed to be just a time to rest; I think it will also be a time to learn lots of music (!!) and absorb some sun. I always have the first week of feeling a little panicked about not being around the friends that I see everyday, or every week, but they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope this is true of this summer.

twist and turns and stories

This time last year was one where I reflected on how many tears had been shed in those recent months, and how all was uncertain.
And this year, I felt pretty similar. With perhaps more tears over more months. But maybe just excuse how teary I can get, though not often in public.
And 2010 found a way of working itself out. After Plan A didn't materialise, Plan B was discarded long before, and Plan C was non-existant from the beginning.

A few months ago, the job of Trainee Repetiteur with the English National Opera was advertised. I had seen this link when somebody shared it on Facebook. I sort of read it, and thought 'Oh, that's great. But totally not me.'
The artistic director of Opera Studio thought otherwise, though, and forwarded the link to me, and strongly encouraged me to apply. I had nothing to lose anyway, right? And if I actually got it, wouldn't it be cool to spend six months working in London?! Nevermind that it was to start in January 2011 (two months notice of leaving everything?!) and that it would be the dead of winter; nevermind that I don't think I have enough money to live in London for six months! Still, an opportunity to apply should never be missed!
Can I just say, I'd never written a job application before in my entire life. Up to this day, I still have not had a job interview in my entire life, all 23 years and six months or so of it.

I set to work writing a cover letter, pulling together my CV and what nots. I had lots of help from some lovely generous people who took the time to read my material over and suggest changes. I spent about half an hour on the phone with my mother the night before I emailled it off, making sure all of it was perfect!

I didn't know why they were advertising: was it because they had somebody in mind, and legal requirements stipulate that one must advertise the position in any case? Or it's a new job that's been created? Or did they have a vacancy to fill? Or they wanted to see if there was any interest in the job anyway?
These we will never know.

I found out a week later that I didn't get it.
I wasn't terribly disappointed - I mean, it would have been exciting to go (!!!!) but at the same time, I was quite relieved, as the idea of moving to London in such a short frame of time was quite daunting.

I had talked to my old piano teacher for an hour just after I sent my application to ask her advice about teachers, summer schools, further study options and the like. She was very helpful, and very encouraging. She said that the most important thing was not to take the whole 'career-choosing' and stuff too seriously. She had many suggestions, many people she suggested to contact, and spelled out lots of things for me.

However, the next story is longer. Possibly much longer. But I shall try to keep it as concise as possible.

About two and a half weeks ago, I played the Smetana trio with two friends in the ANAM Chamber Music Competition heat. We had been rehearsing intensely for about three weeks; it helped that the cellist and I had already played it together (even though we changed some things this time around), and that it is one of the pieces that the violinist loves the most, so that really helped it all! We had a few tutorials, which were very helpful too.
Anyway, so after playing, which went ok (we weren't in the finals, that's ok. Some bits were amazing, some bits not quite so amazing..) the panel asked to speak to me. They asked how old I was, and whether I had ever thought about applying for the Academy. They asked what my plans were for next year, and what I was currently doing. I answered these all honestly, making sure I slipped in that I love chamber music, but that I haven't had a piano lesson in two years. Strengths and weaknesses, right?!
So, at the end of that, they strongly encouraged me to seriously consider applying for the Academy's programme for 2011 and taht if I was seriously interested, to get in touch formally to apply officially and they would set up an audition.

So I agonised a little that weekend, and thought that I had nothing to lose. If I audition and was successful, I would go to the Academy in 2011, and do their programme, and pretty much do what I was hoping to do in 2011, just in a formalised and structured environment. And without having to go and find all the opportunities myself necessarily. If I wasn't successful, I'd just be in the same position as I was that day - just going to do what I was going to do in 2011. Nothing to lose. I talked to several friends to get their opinions, and they all were very encouraging, which was helpful.

So, the following week, I went in for my audition on about one day's notice. I don't think I played particularly well, but I think my interview was at least entertaining! It really was quite an exceptional circumstance of the entire process. I didn't feel particularly enthusiastic about my chances after the audition, but I could only wait and hope, right?

One week and a day later, I got a phone call from the student manager lady and I have been offered a place in the Professional Performance Programme for 2011! I have since accepted, but the news is still sinking in, three days later. I'm still in shock. I was surprised from the very beginning, to be honest. I was surprised that they were so interested in my playing that they wanted to speak to me. I was surprised that they strongly encouraged me to apply. I was surprised that they were so willing to accommodate my recent learning history (like, not much?!). I was surprised that they wanted me to come!!!!

That afternoon, I started letting people know - those who knew what a confused two weeks I had, and those who were the most supportive and encouraing through the entire process! One friend promptly called as soon as I sent her a message and was so excited that she was jumping up and down. At that moment, I thought I should be excited too, and started jumping up and down myself!

I am still surprised, but also excited. I am also really nervous. There is a little bit of me that feels like I need to prove myself - to prove that they made the right decision to admit me. To show that I am capable of it. That I'm good enough to be there. That I am different and interesting and able to contribute and learn so much. I've always thought that the people there seem so self-assured and confident; I sure don't feel like that. Maybe I'll be able to at least give off that vibe by the end of my first month there! There are so many things to think about now - what repertoire, what I want to achieve, perhaps even who I'd like to play with (if I get a choice?!). I suppose it means it changes some other things too. Like current ensembles - to what extent can one keep those up? How will the Academy change me? (I'm hoping all for the better!)

I think my job will still be do-able concurrently with the Academy. The job is not time-intense, for the most part and I think will provide some contrast to what I do during the greater part of the day. I have found that teaching this year has been a great pleasure and privilege, to be able to shape these students and to (hopefully positively!) impact their learning. I have been blessed with such wonderful, talented and motivated students this year - I am very sad that most of them are leaving! I think also having some geographical separation will be good - I know time is a limited asset, but I think having some sort of enforced downtime will be good for me, and being able to have some distinct boundaries that mean it is not all of my life. I have learned that I never really switch off my music brain anyway, that it constantly ticks.

Earlier this year, a friend asked how I was going, and as I started to tell her that I was busy, that there was some friction in some relationships and that I wasn't feeling particularly connected to many friends, I broke down completely. Yes, in a fairly public place. Much to my horror!
And that's one of the things I have felt that I have lacked this year - in all of its excitingness and busyness, I have not been able to give as much time as I hoped to certain people. She pointed out that this was ok, and a really normal part of life - everybody's moving in that stage where it does get busy, and that relationships that were formally very close could still be close, just not as frequent and intense. I was struggling because I felt my relationships were not close, and not frequent nor intense!

I had made a resolution that 2011 was going to have more time to give to other people. I'm not so sure how that is going to work now. Maybe it's about efficiency. Or maybe I will have some time. I'm pretty sure what I'll be doing for the greater part of the day, though, will be the things I had this year had to put after hours. Which I think will be a bit of a relief, physically and mentally. I have realised this year that my body is really not keeping up with my anticipated energy expectations of myself. My coffee addiction has increased infinitely since last year. (Infinitely being mathematically correct, not just as a description, as my coffee intake last year was zero.)

I think there's this quote somewhere (that I obviously cannot remember much of...) that goes along the lines of 'in reaching everywhere, we search to find nothing'. Clearly not a real proverb of much help.
But it really feels like I have done so much exciting stuff this year, but the friendships I used to enjoy have changed so significantly in the last year. Sure, there were friends who are excited for me, for so many reasons. And I appreciate them so much. But this time last year, they wouldn't have all been the first people I called. It's funny how it's changed so much. It seemed like I had so much to tell but nobody who might've been the right person to really celebrate ALL the highs of this year with.

A number of years ago, I did the Myers-Briggs personality test with the result of INFJ. I re-took it this year, and came up with ISTJ, I think. Maybe I've had an identity crisis! But I have always considered myself an introvert; maybe Myers-Briggs agrees with me. Many of my friends would have said otherwise.
But  it's ok to just have a few really close friends. Maybe that's what I haven't realised yet.

I go into 2011 with excitement about the (unknown!) plans that are in store for me. But I also proceed with nervousness. About what the year will bring, the surprises that will inevitably pop up, the people who I will care most about, the people with whom I'll share my greatest fears and most exciting news, the struggles and frustrations of being limited by so many things.
But I think the only way to overcome all those is to embrace it all with enthusiasm and vigour. I'm pretty sure I don't know any other way.

Until then, I look forward to the summer holiday I shall have relaxing and recovering from this year, and to refresh myself for the next. There is Stravinsky to perform (which I'm terribly excited about!) and carols to play, and friends to catch up with.

And Plan A eventually materialised, even if it was one year later. I hope Jeff Borland would be proud of me!

I ask for your forgiveness in my excessive thoughts which are always of a random nature. And offer my congratulations if you got all the way to the end.

It's been quite a year....

...but it's not quite over yet.
There is still another week and a bit of Opera Studio left, along with some performances of Hansel & Gretel, as well as a final concert.
There is Carols on Carlton, and MYO still to go.
And somehow, in the next four days I'm supposed to be moving out of my room.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've always said this too. But at the moment, I'm not sure if I'm any stronger.
I've sometimes been told this year, "You look tired." I'm pretty sure this isn't a compliment; more of a general observation of truth and honesty. And they're right. I wonder if it's worrying, that it's so evident across my face.
I do sometimes try to put on another face; sometimes it's not that easy.
There are some people I'd happily bear my soul to. But sometimes the people that you're closest to are the people that you find it the hardest to tell.
I do reflect and am so thankful for the things that have happened this year, including making some fantastic friends, pushing the boundaries, being independant of so many things (however scary it is every time), and having some of the most amazing opportunities pretty much given to me, ready to take and see what happens.
Sure, they don't all turn out as hoped all the time, or even in the way one expects, but most of the time it's about the journey.
And of course, there are those things that I wish had never happened. But of course, I couldn't choose them.
I've been one of those people going for the 'no regrets' policy. I can't say that it's always been the case, to my disappointment. There are times I think I don't dive in head first, risky enough. Though I'm thankful for the friend this year who has encouraged me to take risks - I appreciate the thought and encouragement, even if I'm not most of the time. And surely my 'what ifs' are a result of that.
Maybe 2011 will be different.
I'm not even sure what 2011 will bring. I mean in terms of the main day-to-day things of my life. One thing that is certain is that I'm staying in Melbourne next year.
I decided, but then I really wasn't sure. And I umm-ed and ahh-ed for a while. But didn't know what else to do.
At that point in time, if the London job had come through I think I would have been secretly relieved as well as super-excited and scared. Even though two months notice really wouldn't have been enough. But that is not the case, and there is little point in what-if-fing over it.
They say that the only certain things in life are death and taxes but I'm holding on fast to hope, grace and faith.
Because if not, what else is there?

more if you knew....

If you know me, you'll know that I love being in this city. I've had an amazing six years, of course, not without its ups and downs. I love my relative independance, the city itself, the local hangouts, the friends, the opportunities, the things there are to do, the things I'm involved in, the communities, the good finds. If I hadn't been here, I wouldn't be the person I am today. There are many people to thank for that. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have had the opportunities I have had, nor the specific influences and opinions. I wouldn't trade them for anything.
I've also been fortunate this year to have met even more amazing people, in addition to the many I have come to know. I have had the pleasure of working with such talented people and teaching (and learning from!) a most wonderful set of students.

But today,for the first time in six years, I seriously considered going back home to Perth in what feels like the sum of a large addition.

Another childhood story

In Year Three, I started learning the violin. I went to a public school where there was a Department of Education music programme; to be selected, we all had to take an aural test, called the Bentley Test, that tested our ability of pitch (higher, lower, the same). Four students were selected from two classes to undertake the violin - I was fortunate to be one of those selected. I had secretly wanted to learn because my brother had started two years prior, and I was sure that I could also do it.

The four of us had a group lesson every week, starting out with the Strictly Strings book one. We learnt how to hold our violins and bows, we learnt the different strings and how to make different notes. In hindsight, being able to read music already and to associate specific notes with the specific pitches was a great advantage.

We hired instruments from the Department of Education at a reduced rate (I think) - the other three students had half-size violins; I started on a quarter-size! I felt quite small indeed. We had sponges as shoulder rests, attached with a large, thick elastic band to keep it in place. I remember getting my first box of rosin - what wonderful, red-golden-honey stuff it was!
Violin lessons were wonderful - I had a most enthusiastic teacher who was patient, and also encouraging. I will admit that I sneaked forward in the book when I had done the exercises we were allocated to do.

Halfway through year three, my teacher thought I was good enough to join the school orchestra. This was usually an upgrade reserved for those who had already been learning for a year - but here she was, asking if I wanted to join, only after six months! It was one of the most exciting days in year three! I felt so excited that at lunchtime I ventured to the bottom oval (where year threes were not supposed to be playing) to tell my brother! I was so excited - I could tell him that I would be playing in the orchestra with him! Unfortunatley he didn't seem quite as thrilled as I was - I think he just kinda shrugged and said "That's good, Gladys."

In the years of violin that followed, I had great teachers who let me explore violin repertoire. We played lots of fantastic things: Beethoven's "Spring" Sonata, Bach Double Concerto (including the fantastic opportunity during grade seven, during my now-individual violin lesson, to play it with my teacher!), a Teleman Concerto for 4 violins (I have not heard this for years. If anybody has it, please flick it my way!), Czardas, various other pieces in the AMEB books, the first movement of the Bruch Concerto....

I recently met the daughter of my first violin teacher. It was quite uncanny, that thirteen years on from then, we were playing music together. And I was not playing the violin, let me tell you!

moving music

Ravel: Piano Trio in a minor iii. Passacaille
Faure: Requiem
Amazing Grace
Abide With Me
MercyMe: I Can Only Imagine

update - seriously late

Oh, and I did get a grad scholarship.
I wondered what I'd do if I actually got it.
And I think I'd like to go overseas for a short-term trip next year for a summer school, or masterclass or festival or something like that.
It just gives me a big kick up the bum to do something, to spur me on.

this is ayo

It sounds like an almost perfect life:
1. Get sent some awesome music to learn.
2. Get told when to get on plane to travel.
3. Get some money deposited in bank account. (Okay, this is per diems, but still!)
4. Get housed in service apartments. Luxury. So much nicer than my flat!
5. Get put in trio with lovely talented people.
6. Play music together.
7. Watch some amazing concerts.

This is AYO Chamber Music Camp!

We were off to Newcastle to spend a week intensely rehearsing some fine chamber music, to be tutored by members of Freshwater Trio (Melbourne), Doric String Quartet, and the Carducci String Quartet (both UK).

The average day for me looked a bit like this:
Wake up; morning routines of shower, breakfast, make lunch; out the door to walk to Newcastle Con; individual practice for a bit; trio get-together; 10am tutorial; coffee break; more tutorial; lunch break; 1.30pm tutorial; tea break; more tutorial; play in, or attend a camp in-house concert; dinner break; in-house concert from professional ensemble; go home (may or may not be egged on the way); step into luxurious apartment; sleep.

Not bad really (except the egging part). Felt like an incredible week of music and dining out!

Our trio, Merewether Trio, formed last Sunday. We spent the first afternoon and evening together, playing through everything. It was heartening and exciting to hear and see that we had similar ideas about our Haydn, had difficulty but much excitement about Smetana, as well as rhythmic issues and some degree of non-commitment to the Ross Edwards. It was to work wonderfully together!

Our in-house concert was the first, on Tuesday evening. We had spent two and a half days together! We played our entire Haydn, which was exhilirating and scary, but much fun. One of the things I found most amazing about the in-house concerts was that most of the people had never played or worked together, and just how much was worked on in those few days. And then to watch the public performances at the end of the week and to see how much improvement there was - tres exciting!

After Tuesday, we decided to devote our time to the Smetana trio. We were to play the two outer movements, which was plenty to work on! When I received my music a few weeks ago, I was completely baffled - why would they give such a physically large piece to a 5'1" Asian female with tiny hands?!?! Nonetheless, I persisted in those few weeks, trying not to overdo it, or to freak out. I was super nervous getting to camp, I'll admit.
But it was exciting - being 'forced' to learn something, with no option of backing out, was quite an experience. And they were right - it's a piece now that I love, and wouldn't consider NOT playing! How is it that they're uncannily good at picking the repertoire for the people?

Smetana wrote his piano trio in g minor in 1855 following the tragic death of his eldest daughter. She was four years old, and she died from scarlet fever. Even at her young age, she showed much musical promise. In the first six years of Smetana's married life, he lost four children.

This trio is incredibly emotional.
It weeps, it staggers, it cries, it dreams of ecstasy, it mourns, it copes, it hangs in timelessness.
It is physically quite large - each instrument, as in many piano trios, feels like a concerto in its own right. I wasn't sure if I was quite ready for it, but I had to be, and in I dived!
In one particular tute, the idea of death was linked quite personally to elements of the first movement. This was quite an emotional couple of hours, leaving us physically and of course, emotionally, drained. Maybe that gives us the courage to persist. Persist we did. And what a triumph it was to play the G Major section at the end.
It was also quite interesting to reflect on death as a concept. About how people with different beliefs view death in different lights. Perhaps that is a subject for another post.

A few people have asked why I "promptly walked off stage and burst into tears". This was really not to do with errors (although there were some, but I do expect it in a live performance, nothing is perfect). It was a number of other things:
* The thought of the tragic death of Smetana's daughter
* The ideas of death that we had reflected on during the week
* The sheer exhaustion of the build-up to the performance
* As well as that of actually performing
* and how HOT it was on stage!
* And I think for me, that I actually managed to do this.
This all combined in tears of joy, sadness, emotion rollercoasting, excitement and exhaustion.
I think this is a good sort of thing.

Upon reflection, I really enjoyed that performance. I sometimes say that I enjoyed partciular performance experiences, but I think this sort of kick or joy was something else - an experience reserved for seriously satisfying, exciting performances. I remember thinking in my solo sections, "Gladys, you are playing in this gorgeous hall, on a gorgeous piano - you can take all the time you want in this world (almost..). And you can enjoy the sound that you are making."
And I did just that - I enjoyed what I was doing so much. I imagined that every note was a pearl drop.


These sorts of experiences make me super-excited about making music, playing music, rehearsing music, spending hours each day doing it. Thinking about it, dreaming about it (and yes, I did dream about it multiple times during the week). Have it spinning around in my head excessively, incessantly. And still love it.


Either I'm crazy, or I've been given a pretty amazing gift.

kid stuff

* I always wanted to dress up as Pippi Longstockings during Book Week in primary school. I never had hair long enough to do it. Plus, I have black hair. I'm Asian (stating the obvious..) And I don't actually know the story.....

* When I was going into year eleven, I pretty much had to decide which instrument I wanted to continue at TEE level. I'd always been better at piano than violin, but knew I had to do the performance stream for school assessment, and thought that playing solo piano would be too lonely. [Hah! Even before discovering chamber music for real I knew I enjoyed playing with other people!] My mum even talked to the director of music at my school to ask what he thought about taking both instruments, whether that was viable. It was, but wasn't recommended. And so I chose piano, and I chose to focus mostly on piano (even though I kept playing violin) and here I am today, playing the piano.

* Some of my favourite books while growing up were: The Velveteen Rabbit (don't ask me what it's about anymore, I can't remember), Charlotte's Web, Sleepers (actually fairly disturbing for a 11-year-old girl to read), The Power of One

* We used to have junior and senior choir in primary school and I was always in the front row of the sopranos. But for fun, as I had a few friends sitting close to me, I'd sing the alto part because it was far more interesting.

* I almost lost my recorder in grade five. I was absolutely devastated - I didn't want to play a spare one with somebody else's germs all over it. We had played in a concert or something and I'd given it to somebody to look after for me, but somehow couldn't find the person anymore. And then as we were lining up for our music class, I saw a recorder sitting on the window ledge and it was mine! What joy! The lesson learned here: don't trust somebody else with your instrument.

* Wooden spoons make fantastic oars when the couches are the boats.

* Once we went to Singapore zoo and we went on an elephant ride. There were a whole line of children sitting on this elephant's back, sandwiched between two 'professionals'. As I sat on this elephant, I was gently running my fingers along the length of elephant hair, not quite pulling it out. I wonder if the elephant could feel that. Hopefully not, or there might have been quite a disaster.

* Our year four camp was to Rottnest Island and my first trip on a ferry. Admittedly, it doesn't take long (about half an hour or so) but I was a little nervous. A couple of my friends had been before, so they could tell us all their experiences. They warned me that if the day was windy and the sea was choppy, the ferry ride wouldn't be smooth. So we practiced getting used to the up and down sea motion on the logs. I was so scared - I didn't want to get sick! One kid did, and I remember sitting in the ferry thinking, "Come on, don't be sick, it's ok, it's ok!" to myself. The beginnings of a worrywort? I think so.

* I used to hate getting my hair cut. We used to (and often still do) go to a family friend who runs her own hairdressing business. Her daughters went to school with us, so we'd organise it so that mum picked us all up from school and we had the appointment straight after school. But mum, being practical (as mums are) insisted that it was cut fairly short (about chin-length). Yes, I had the Asian bob, but to me, it was just short. It was awful - I hated it. And every time I used to come home and cried and cried and tried to pull out my hair (as if that would help my cause, but anyway). And since then, I've really hated getting my hair cut. [Except, perhaps, this one time I went to the hairdresser at the shops near our house and I thought the lady was so nice because she told me I had such nice.]
And which is why I insisted when I got to high school that my hair had to be long enough to tie up in a ponytail because that's what the school rule was.
And that's also why when I got to university and my mum didn't really mind what I did with my hair, I've kept it quite long.

* Going on exchange to the USA during year ten was one of the best experiences I had during school.

* I had two (real) math teachers in high school. I specify 'real' because of that time in year ten I was taking an accelerated math stream and the classes didn't all completely match up, so I still had to go to one or two of my 'normal' classes where I could pretty much do anything (although I think the intention was to work on math). The thing I also quite enjoyed about that was that I missed out on one PE class :P Those two math teachers were amazingly wonderful and teachers that I caught up with even after leaving school.

* I didn't do much as a Math and Science Councillor in year seven.

* I really wanted to do singing lessons in year ten. And I thought it would have been cool/amusing to learn the tuba in year nine. Hah.

things to be excited about

retro
mrc. soundchecks. cushion acoustics. not having to push. new shoes. sales (even though i hate shopping, sales just means it's cheap. which these shoes were). dressing rooms. perks. brunch. markets. desperate pleas. lovely families. spontaneous music-making. performing. brownies. getting to know people better. especially if they're super-lovely people. orchids. dinner with friends. phone calls. scholarship (!!!! I didn't even apply for this one!!!). townsville!!!. planning. finding old pieces are even better than originally thought. rehearsals. rehearsals after long days. even when falling asleep on tram. THEN being refreshed!. trio tutes. trio. make that trios. efficient meetings. cooking soup. playing good music. old times. immediately being able to pick up where we left off. having clean stuff. learning amazing stuff. being chucked in the deep end. swimming, not sinking!. five trio sessions in one week!!. booking flights. getting paid. rediscovering i love playing the violin. baking. cooking. chamber music. my economics lecturer coming to my chamber music exam (possibly one of the best days of my life so far). making stuff real.

Seriously, the week of two weeks ago was one of the best i've had in a long time.

future
weddings!. concerts. holidays = rehearsals. yay! french music!. song cycles!. opera!. new repertoire!. concerts!. flights to catch!. places to go!. rehearsals yay! applications! (hmm...maybe not so enthusiastic about actually doing them; rather, the things applying for is exciting!).


I have so much to be excited about. And oh-so-amazing much to be thankful for!
Wow.

In the wonderously beautiful month of May...

So instead of lengthy stories that may or may not have become quite a feature of these posts, I will instead present a collection of words or phrases that sum up my month of May 2010 (and you know, three days of June).

A Wedding. late night food run. missed last train/tram home. kind friends :) . coffee dates. Rehearsals (duh!!). print brochures (so exciting!). tramming. fully knowledgable PT user. AMEB exams. Hawthorn-hangin'. Beethoven Ghost. music training. more coffee dates. latte. more PT. grad scholarships?. (what happens if i actually get it??). Fledermaus opening night!. scoff down your ice-cream. ice-cream mishap (ie. meets dress). radiothon. lentil as anything. masterclasses. family comes to visit. pineapple tarts! . east melbourne. mcg trams. choir. ayo app. graduation. lilac. photos. friends. rude vca people. giraffe. ABC iView - where have you been all my life??. family dinners. b'day party gig. body glitter. champagne cocktails. quail. nymph. the coffee guy knows me!!!! . 'regular or large?' was all he asked! . exams? . concerts. collins place. the crowd. short security man. impromptu. comptition! . applictions!. bios. photos. new umbrella. recordings. heater! . illness :( . crawl into bed. ordination. farewell. make that two farewells :( . rehearsals. oratorio. bach. handel. retail therapy. sushi date. uncertainty. confirmed. sadness. amusement. exciting. planning. planning for next year. concert 'engagements' (ooh...!). Petroushka (Dec 2010!!!!). sadness still.
grace.


All in an average month...

Stuff that comes out on top

I think I've figured out (some of) my favourite foods - in no particular order:
chocolate
soup
hot cross buns (fruitless, of course. But may be chocolate or mocha flavoured)
corn
brunch food
cupcakes
picnic food


Stuff that's currently playing in my iTunes:
Switchfoot
Jon Foreman
Naturally 7
Jamie Cullum


Qualities that matter to me:
faith
honesty
inquisitiveness
appreciation and interest in music, if not necessarily talent
that duality of intensity and quick wit


Smells I really like:
lilies
coffee
sizzling garlic and onion in mum's cooking
that really crisp cold morning air (or cold night air, so long as I'm appropriately and warmly dressed!)


Places I'd really like to go and visit:
London
Boston
Chicago
Germany


If I didn't play the piano, I wish I studied:
cello
voice
french horn

Quirkiness for today

When I look at weddings (you know, as you pass by, see photos, when I go to weddings etc), the order at which I look at stuff is 1. bridesmaid's dresses 2. flowers 3. bride's dress.

I hate it when my eyebrows are put the other way. I'll make them go in the right direction if they've been messed up.

I remember the play equipment we had in primary school quite distinctly. My favourite by far were the bars. They were metal, we did all sorts of fancy tricks; I spent most of those years with fantastic blisters on the palms of my hands.

I'm surprised when people tell me they like my collection iTunes. I think my taste is very eclectic - so much so that nobody would actually enjoy it.

I wish I'd kept up my violin learning. Orchestra looks so much more interesting for string players because they play so much. I'd rather be busy playing lots than bored counting rests.

Bad grammar irritates me. As does bad spelling.
Proper use of it's and its, they're and their and similar...

I used to think everybody had perfect pitch. And would get frustrated in primary school choir when the altos couldn't sing their notes. I found it easy - why didn't anybody else?? But I don't think it's particularly impressive or anything. It just is. I use it, I get frustrated with it sometimes.

I can't stand faffin' around. Straight to the point. But I'm not terribly confrontational myself.

If I don't enjoy a performance, I don't fake enthusiasm.

Over time, I have disliked shopping more and more. Mostly for clothes (because I think I'm weird-shaped and nothing fits right). And I'll always see if it comes in black.

But I increasingly enjoy shopping for food, including at the market and supermarket. Getting domestic much?

I'm not anywhere close to what I'd call an environmentalist, but I hate it when taps are left dripping, too many unnecessary lights are left on (though you need just one sometimes) or when the mains of minor appliances are left on. I also don't like it when mains are left on and there is nothing plugged in. I think I have this fear that if I touch the socket, I'll be electrocuted.

The line between work and enjoyment is mostly quite blurred for me.

I've always thought of myself as an introvert. Many of my friends would not agree with me.

I hope I was never one of those school girls that I pack onto public transport with and see in and about the city. Here and even back home now.

One of the sounds that I smile widely about is the bit just before an orchestra rehearsal - when everybody is kinda fiddling, warming up their instrument, tuning, making sure it all works, last-minute practice. And then it breaks as the oboe gives the A.

I like being a little bit surprising. For instance, many people are surprised when I tell them I like Muse (a classical musician?! No way! Way. They're hot.), and watching sports on TV. These include soccer, tennis, cricket and rugby union. True story.

Stuff I really wanted to do when I was a little girl:
Ballet, gymnastics, play the harp, play the flute

At the age of 12, I said my future would hopefully see me as a doctor, lawyer or architect. Or a marine biologist. Or lecturing somewhere like Cambridge, Oxford or Harvard. Hmmm, how things have changed........

Good harmony gets me. So does a good bass line and meaningful words.

I'm still learning how to say no.

I wish I wasn't so scared of driving.

I know I shouldn't, but I do have my favourites. You mightn't know, but I'd do so much to make it happen for you.

I used to drink milo every morning. These days I barely drink milk :( (I suppose, unless it's in my coffee, or it's chocolate milk. I don't even have much with my cereal now.)

It took me a long time to get to like myself. Especially what I look like. Now I'm quite comfy about me in my own skin.

Happenings of late

The other day, as I was walking through the Close, I came across the Master of Queen's. We stopped to have a little chat. He asked how I was, and I answered truthfully, 'Busy, but well.'
His comment was something along the lines of 'Busy is your answer all the time.'
True that.
Especially of late.
Almost three weeks ago, Opera School Melbourne 2010 began. My aunt and uncle kindly came along to the morning tea and welcome. It was really nice to have some family there - I've gotten used to my parents not being able to come for stuff, which is fine. But I suppose it was exciting to have some people there for me! And they sort of know what I do now, though I suspect it is still fairly hazy to them. Perhaps they can explain it to my parents!

It has been quite difficult to balance stuff - especially in the first week. I wasn't ready for the accumulation of so many things: School, the commencement of College tutes (I hold two, plus have consultations where required), rehearsals for a new piano trio (of a 'normal' combination, shock horror!), rehearsals for Chiasma, continuing the Director of Music job. Oh, and the rest of my life before it all started, too....I think!

The first day started at 10am, and I finally managed to flop onto my seat in my own room at 10pm that night. Since then, I have decided that the morning is when my practice must happen, as it doesn't fit in otherwise. I still feel like I don't get enough at the moment - it feels a little like I'm flying by the seat of my pants, but hopefully it'll settle down even better now. I've taken to resuming my super-early morning practice; this routine sees my alarm wake me at about 5.50am, hit snooze a couple of times. I shower, eat breakfast, make my lunch, and walk out the door hopefully with the aim of beginning practice at 7am. It is nice that the Stafford is usually available in the morning - I'm usually out of there by the time most people would want to use it (who else starts work at 7am? Especially at College?!). I'm very paranoid though, so a 10am start at School means that we have to be there by 9.45am. And I leave so much time to get there. Too much. Always. It means I've tried to set myself the target of going to bed by 11pm each night (before School. Yes, that means Sunday night after church isn't a regular occurrence for me anymore). I've been doing pretty well so far. I get about an hour and a half of practice done - see? Not sufficient, really. Given that I'm preparing much.

For example, at the moment, I'm working on the production we just received at School - pretty much what constitutes an entire opera. As well as a Schumann trio, a Beethoven trio, supposed to be working on a Shostakovich trio, as well as some Liederfest stuff and some School people's arias. I don't think there's enough time.....and I had hoped to get back into Bach and Chopin for myself. Hmmm....

But what would this blogger be without all these pressures? It's the only way I know how to work!

I have wonderful students to mentor and tutor at College. I'm really enjoying being able to run tutes as I see fit, and direct them in the way I want. I hope they're good. It's funny how one teaches as a direct result, and combination of all they're taught. I find myself thinking, 'Oh, that's like what so-and-so would say!'. Or 'So-and-so taught me....'. I started keeping a book of notes from chamber music class and other masterclasses I attended, at uni and otherwise for several years now. I've just been collating them and have kept writing pearls of wisdom, and other interesting things. I was re-reading some of it the other night, and a few things struck me:
i) How much I've grown since the start
ii) How some of the comments and classes have stuck in my memory for this while
iii) How some of the things I re-read make much more sense now...
iv) or that comments can mean so much more even when they made sense back then.
Quite amazing. I'd suggest keeping a notebook if you don't already - it's been quite interesting and great to continuously learn.

I went to a few masterclasses last year (I was actually accompanying the people playing) was by Jeff Nelsen at the Melbourne International Festival of Brass. [Incidentally, I'm unfortunately away in Newcastle doing AYO Chamber Music Camp during this year's festival - I'm really disappointed that they clash! But I suppose it figures - chamber camp is only for strings and piano, not brass people......pity about the handful of pianists who do both! I suppose one can't have everything....] Check out his website at http://jeffnelsen.com/
The posts are a bit dated, but the other stuff he writes is quite interesting. The Get Fearless, and How Much Do You Want It? Great motivators.

So, back to School. It's funny - I'd heard of a few people and I was a bit scared of it all. I suppose, being 'new' (like most of the people there, incidentally!) was a change and that freaked me out a little. But then, I remembered that I wasn't making as many changes as some of the others - this was happening in a city I know already and have been living in for a while, I've been doing this music thing for a while now, and recently too. Although money is usually tight anyway, I at least didn't have to worry *too* much about it (I think!) and I didn't have to look for a place to live just before, or as, School started. Two years ago, a friend of mine, ND, after we had worked together on Poulenc, hatched a plan for a Mozart sextet. Out of that come the Mozart project - a complete hour's worth of beautiful Mozart music. I remember saying to him, just before our first get-together, 'Oh, I'm nervous! I've only ever worked with two other singers in one room - I'm not sure how I'll go with six!'
Of course, it was wonderful.
And I had a bit of a moment about having eighteen! All budding opera singers. Heck, I thought the room might implode. But it's been a wonderful three weeks so far, getting to know them. And yes, of course there is the share of diva-ness (in the best possible way!) and tenor moments! But I think that comes with it. We need a little, I think.

On the first day, we had a session of 'Operasports'. Like Theatresports, but some opera-themed games as well. We played StarJump - wow, haven't played that in a while. And I sat there plotting a little, because I remembered that if you got in early, you didn't have as many people to come up with a situation. (Otherwise, you have to do things like crowd scenes - a party, or a tableau or photo shoot, or exercise class....!) But I also forgot that the earlier you get in, the longer you're in for. And I don't consider myself a particularly drama/actor-type. In fact, quite far from it. But it was much fun! Then we did some fun opera-themed stuff. Think silent movie, where I'm the music. It was cool.
We also played some clapping game (sounds silly, but was really good).

And we also played it today, three weeks on. And I know it felt different, in a really good way. Because getting to know these twenty-odd other people over the last three weeks has been refreshing and exciting. Getting to know their personalities, and coming to trust them more about where the clap was going, or how it was travelling. Or having the little games! And knowing what they were capable of. There is an amazing vibe there.

We've already had our first concert. We did a Friendraiser Soiree on the evening of the sixth official day of School. We put the entire thing together in about three days. Pretty impressive if you ask me! It was a lot of fun.
And it was amazing to see these guys do their thing. I mean, that's what we're here for, isn't it?

The first day was spent doing introduction things and getting to know you and the start of getting to know your personality. Only on the second day, when the afternoon was spent at the National Theatre in St Kilda, did we hear everybody sing as they were. Think about it - one and a half days of just getting to know you, and then you hear them - what we're here to do. Amazing.
It has been pretty intense so far - in the sense that a bunch of enthusiastic, energetic young people have converged to do this Thing. They all have similar goals, similar spirits of encouragement and critical criticism (not in a bad way. We need it.) And the best part of it I think, is that I get the chance to get to know each one of them. And work with them. I hope I get the chance to know each one of them inside out - personally and musically. I'm really excited by that.

There have already been a few moments where I have been overcome with the emotion of their singing. Not that instrumental music cannot have that same effect, but I think singing is a really organic, physical thing. I mean, much of the sound that every instrument attempts to make is based on singing. And having something to convey in text is a really powerful thing.

Even though I feel inspired and excited, I also feel a little intimidated. And I know I would be told that it's rubbish, and that I shouldn't, and have no reason to be. By my calculations, I have a suspicion that I am among the youngest five people in the group. That's not a bad thing, just I think sometimes I don't have all this experience (also given my limited experience with opera so far) or maturity. But I think it may be well-masked given that I've been with music for the majority of my life (in fact, almost nineteen years!). That is, learning constantly and making a large part of my life. I think I can be painfully aware of differences, because I find differences intriguing in general. But yes, I know it's irrelevant...

So, as always, I apologise if it feels like I don't have time to catch up so regularly with all my friends. I've just inherited a new set (subset of the 'musicians' clan) who I spend much of my day-to-day time with. It's wonderful. But it all has to be balanced. Maybe that should be my motto for this year: Balance.
I still do care about you all, and spend much time thinking about all those relationships. We were made to be relational people - I just internalise and think a lot about them. I'm still figuring it all out....I have a sneaking suspicion that is a lifelong journey....

In the Kitchen

The cakes were a success. I have to admit that they were packet cakes - but so long as they turn out and taste good, that's what counts right?
Two Zesty Orange Cakes (with frosting!) were full of yummy sugary goodness. I kid you not, I had almost no ingredients to make a cake in the first place - I didn't even have a cake tin, so I had to buy one! Haha.
And then this weekend, I thought that I'd use some of the eggs that I'd bought last weekend (making cakes), so I thought about quiche. I found an easy recipe on the internet and proceded to buy the self-raising flour that I can now use for cakes (and other things) from scratch! A fairly successful quiche eventuated - lots of yummy vegetables thrown in, can't complain. And extra for the freezer too.
The other handy tip is that when making stir-fry noodles, it's better to use the fresh (rather than dry) noodles. My mum told me that, after I complained to her that the dry ones were breaking when I stirred my stir-fry. And success, that was tonight's dinner.
I feel all chuffed with myself for cooking something more than scrambled eggs, or pasta. Woo!
Now I just need to buy an apron and oven-mittens - perhaps I'll tell my mum that that's what she should get me for my birthday. Dull, hey?!

busy but not

I've had the great chance to do some reading in the past month. Books I actually wanted to, rather than say, text books.
I finally got round to reading 'Mao's Last Dancer', and also bought 'Predictably Irrational' (Dan Airely), finished off 'The Reason for God' (Timothy Keller), was lent 'Outliers' (Malcolm Gladwell) and am now reading through Daniel Levitin's 'This is your Brain on Music'.
They've all be fantastic reads (well, still working through the Levitin book). I just hope it's not like Oliver Sack's 'Musicophilia'. While the concept was interesting, it was too boring for me - instead of only revealing the various interesting quirks on how the brain responds to music, and theorising on how so, it was just a collection of 'Here is a quirky story that I've come across!' and 'I have a little bit of this, I've experience synethesia, and I have suffered from this condition before'. With little detail into why this was the case, how it affected the being of the person - their musical experience, and their otherwise everyday existence. It was a bit too showy-off-y 'look-at-me', 'been-there-done-that' for me. Boring!

I start at The Opera School this coming Monday. I am quite excited, and a lot scared! I'm not afraid of hard work per se, but I am a bit nervous about how it is all going to work. I haven't actually been given any music to prepare yet, so I anticipate there will be a lot of fast learning. Also next week, I begin my tutorials at College, so there will be much to balance out. My new trio is starting rehearsals next week as well - it will be very busy! I started making a weekly timetable for regular commitments and it so far looks quite busy:
Monday-Thursday 10am-5pm Opera School
Monday evening: dinner, Monday Evening Programme, tutorial - end at 9.30pm
Tuesday evening: at the moment, there is a trio rehearsal in there, 6-8pm, before a tutorial 8.30-9.30pm.
Wednesday evening: 7.45pm Jude's small group study
Friday afternoon: 4-6pm trio rehearsal
The reherasal on Tuesday is going to have to change in a little bit because our violinist is going to be busy at that time - also not fantastic for me, but we'll see how I go. That's not including any freelance work (how that fits in is completely beyond me!), nor my original trio (yes, we're still together!). I think that will run as a project-based....thing. When we get some dates, we'll put it together.
Things that will still require frequent attention over the normal course of the week:
Mentees
Director of Music job - still working on Concert Series stuff
other stuff......
So, please don't be offended if I keep saying that I'll catch up and never get around to it..... :S

Chiasma Trio did a 'Live at the Convent' broadcast on 3MBS just this Tuesday gone. I didn't realise it would take the majority of the day - we had to get there at 10.30am for a soundcheck, the programme was at 1.30pm so we had a few hours to chill out in-between. Then after we did the broadcast, we had some food to satisfy our sugar cravings and then headed home. I went to the supermarket and bookshop after, so it was a pretty full day. I was a little nervous about it - there's something about radio, compared to a live performance on a stage, and the fact that I knew there were people listening in from various parts of the world over the internet! I know I kinda freaked out in the third movement, and stopped concentrating. Therefore fluffing my supposedly-sparkling passagework! Boo. Oh well. I was admittedly a little bit disappointed with my playing itself, but M said overall it was quite good. The feedback from people who listened in was good, so perhaps I am being too critical of myself? Or that playing in the fairly 'dead' studio, compared to the sound going out over the radio (with some additions to make it sound like we were in a large empty hall) was so different, I didn't even know. I also had to do a short interview - I hadn't really practiced any sort of 'radio voice' (much as I had thought about it!) and I felt a bit silly about it all....in all the times that I've been to 3MBS to play in the programme, I've never had to do an interview! I felt a bit silly about it all, but again, people have been saying that it was good..

There was another one of those crazy floods in Melbourne. It started off as a somewhat cloudy morning, but by midday had fined up to what looked like a beautiful Melbourne day. But at about 2.30pm, the sky started turning grey, and even darker. By 3pm it was pretty much so dark that it looked like about 8pm at night! And then it started pouring.....with large hailstones! They were about the size of golf balls (which is fairly significant) and it pelted and pelted. Good thing I wasn't outside this time. I had thought about going on a Saturday evening adventure, but thought better and stayed inside that night. Watching the rain radar on the BoM website was quite exciting, if ominous!

It would appear that the last four or so weeks have had days that have been ridiculously busy, and some that have been so empty that I've been bored. I don't know why they couldn't even themselves up??

So, I also booked flights to KL for July - a 11 day holiday. I'm heading soon after P&S's wedding (not missing that for anything!) although I am missing my grandfather's 80th birthday celebration that night. But one can't be in two countries so soon after each other. Well, not in this case anyway. But my family aren't too worried, as those grandparents are coming to Melbourne in May for a holiday so I'll get to see them then. And I'll visit more family when I'm there anyway. I'm quite excited about it - it'll be about seven and a half years since I've been. It'll be the first time I fly internationally by myself - it's a little daunting!
So, I had to also decline doing the MRSA with a couple of singers this year. I feel a little bad about them, but there is no way I'm not attending the wedding and reception. See? I said No..!!! Scary, hard, but perhaps for the better.

Last night I went to the ANAM concert - we had planned to go as the Kurtag was being played. We wanted to see how they did it - as eager students, or critical snobs. Both, perhaps! In short, we thought they missed most of the point of the entire piece. The entire concert I think could be summed up in the word 'surprising'. Neither good nor bad, just is. Feel free to take from that what you will.
But it was good to hang out with friends again - finally! We caught up over a drink or two, doing what we used to do to while hours away...

One of the things I re-realised about myself today as I tried to find recipes to bake yummy things for this weekend is that I really really suck at planning for baking and cooking. Really suck.
I knew I wanted something chocolate, and something else - the idea of a flourless orange cake sounded appealing. But then that was a bit hard. So I instead googled orange butter cake. And found a few recipes. But the only ingredients I have in my house is plain flour and milk. No kidding. So I was trying to find two recipes that have as much ingredient cross over as possible. That is, sugar (castor, or brown), flour (plain or self-raising), number of eggs (preferably six of under), butter (minimise, as it's Butter...! However tasty...). And I got so frustrated and kept chanigng my mind. I think I came across a workable combination, although there is also much to buy. I'm not sure if I can actually handle it! And then I thought that the worst-case scenario would see me buy packet cake mix....I know, it's cheating, but they work quite well...and my brain really hurts!!

Add to that the fact that I have to do some more grocery shopping (as if I haven't done enough of it this month...eeek!!) to stock up on lunches for next week - the start of School!

Can't think - all too complex, not sure how I'm going to manage it all.
And to think I used to do this to myself almost every day for the past few years. I thought about it - perhaps one performance of a sort in any given week. At times, far greater than that. The waking up early after having gone to bed late. Not sure if my body can keep up anymore...

A New Year

So, I know it's been about six and a bit weeks since the new year actually started. But even now it feels like it's still new. It's still dawning on me that this is a very new phase of my life. Although last year admittedly felt like one too - and I spent most of the year wondering how it could have progressed so much, yet I still didn't feel like I'd gotten off to a flying start.

But this year - this year is really a new beginning. I can officially say that I'm a university graduate. It strikes me that even though there are now many people who are, or who will be, this is also a great thing. Even two generations ago, not that many people had a university education. None of my grandparents did, I'll tell you that. And hearing some stories about my mum's side of the family really made me aware of that. I'm really quite excited to see my grandparents in May - they, along with my parents, as well as one aunt and uncle, will be coming to Melbourne. My brother says that my graduation is not the actual reason that they're coming, but rather, that my graduation is the catalyst for them coming to visit. True :) That's ok. It will be exciting, if a bit hectic as well! I won't have holidays at that time, so it'll have to be around School stuff. Plus, I've put in a pressing request for pineapple tarts :D Yum.

So, I have to wean myself off the phrase, "Oh, I'm a student" now. I've had that status for the last seventeen years. It's hard to shake it off after that long! And now I can say that I'm doing a sort of 'internship'. That's what School was described to me as, well, at least my role there. It's a pretty good description, actually! It was nice to get a clearer picture of how it was all going to work. Still some stuff remains to be seen, but hopefully it'll slot into place nicely.

When I was unpacking all my stuff, I did more of what I did at the end of last year when I was packing all my stuff - throwing stuff out! I was quite impressed with my efforts, considering that I know I'm a hoarder. And I've put some stuff in the 'give away' or 'take home' boxes so that I don't have to do that thing where every year I just put stuff in the cupboards and drawers, only for them to sit there for the rest of the year, only to be packed up again without having been used. However, I haven't really figured out a way of organising much of my music. I have a chamber music file, as well as another box of recently-used instrumental music. Organised by instruments (divided by colours, I kid you not!). Organisational Freakism? I suspect so. But all the vocal and choral music (and most of my piano music too!) remains in a great pile that consists of about two boxes. Disgusting, hey?! I plateaued in enthusiasm with the unpacking. Oops.

Also this year, it feels like there's already lots of changes. Without trying to point fingers (because I don't actually want to do that, nor feel that way), I feel like what I've known and gotten really comfortable with is undergoing a fairly intense seismic shift. (Does that even make sense? It does in my head, so I'm going to run with it!). It makes me a little unstable and unsure, but I'm pretty sure I'm big enough to deal with it. Just that it's a little hard to, but that's ok. For example, there is some great pleasure I'm finding in just having the freedom to go where I want, go to the bookshop at an obscure hour. It took me most of my childhood to like my name (sorry parents! I do like it now!), my hair, my size, most of me. That's probably something that one learns as they grow up. And now I'm also slowly getting used to who I am. And where I am at any point in time.

So I figured this year would be different. Not just because of circumstances. Although that may have a large impact on it all. I say it's going to be different every year, but I think these seismic shifts in all sorts of things in all sorts of directions will determine the differences, the differences from other years. I don't think I'll be any less busy. Perhaps equally so, or even more so, if that's even possible. But being able to say no to things I actually just can't manage. I'm determined this year to not let my health suffer as much as it has in the past five years! So, taking care of myself is high up there. As well as being able to know when too much is overcommitting to things that I know I will not be able to follow through on. And being deliberate about things. And getting to know people and things outside the circle that I've known for so long. That will be hard, but I'd like to give it a healthy shot.

It's also been nice to see my cousin a bit more in the past month. It's funny - growing up, I thought this one would be the one I got on the least well with. But that's the thing - growing up changes things. I always felt really dumb next to him; I still do. But now we toss ideas around. Mostly they're me nodding and saying 'uh-huh', but at least now I understand it. Vaguely.

And the funny thing about talking with him is that he suggested all sorts of ideas and things to read and check out. And after the most amazing semester (last semester) in the Economics department, I wonder what would have happened if I'd run with all that. Instead of dropping it all, as I seem to have done now. Not that I'd give any of it away. But what would have happened if I had been more selective. And actually considered the other possibilities. Because it was pretty clear to me by fourth year what I wanted to do. And those two finals years of uni really confirmed it. I think it's all a balancing act. But I don't know whether it's even possible to balance it out completely?

I suppose for the meantime, I keep reading about these other ideas. I pursue that stuff for interest and brain-tickling. Maybe when my hands fall off I'll get back into it more intensely. In any case, I'm glad that my other degree was useful for more than just the extra year at uni that gave me an amazing bunch of friends and experiences. It really pushed me to think about economics as more than just something I did in the commerce degree because it was interesting, but something that was actually interesting and something I enjoyed doing. There. I said it. What amazing teachers I had. I actually ran into one of them yesterday at Readings. Now, let me tell you, JB is actually a legend. Not only does this man teach one of the larger classes at university (Introductory Microeconomics; in my time, this had a total of about 1600 students in four lectures across one day, twice a week!), but he enjoys it - you can tell by the way he gets so excited about it. And he loves Australian Economic History. And cares so much for his students. Even in my first tute, he accepted the fact that I wanted to be a musician. And was genuinely interested. I casually asked him yesterday, 'Oh, so when are you heading off to Harvard?' He's taking up the position of Chair of Australian Studies there. I cannot impress to you how amazing this is.
And still he asked me how my performances went at the end of last year. What a legend.
And still, much can be said about my other lecturer. I was pretty 'lucky' in the entire class. Of about ten or eleven experiements in the course of one semester, I was paid about three times. And that's when there were about twenty students in the class. I won more times than is theoretically likely. And there were a few times I headed back with my lecturer to collect my payment, and we'd chat about all sorts of ideas under the sun. About interests, how things work, 'why' things. And I was stunned one day when he told me that he was quite (pleasantly) surprised that I was somebody who was obviously very passionate about the creativity side of me and was so sharply analytical. And that I was acutely critical in my presentation. And that I 'seriously under-rated' myself in giving a score for the presentation.
Which makes me think about the potential that teachers have. And the potential they see in their students, and how they can best encourage it.
And then I think whether I am leaving some sort of potential dormant? Or untapped? Unused? I know lots of people who would strongly encourage me in the creativity front. I appreciate that immensely. But I sometimes think that there are few people I'd share the other side of my brain with. The nerdy ideas side. Why is that? Is it because people don't really care about those? Or aren't interested in them? Or don't have those sorts of ideas? The nerdy ones? Or nerdy ones that don't really correlate with mine?

Anyway, that was a large leap away from much of the other events recounted previously. But back to the thoughts at hand - new year, new experiences, new adventures, new thoughts, new attitudes, new intentions, new circles, new triangles?

Ouch!

I have this stabbing pain in my upper back on the left hand side. Practicing piano is a bit painful. Using the computer isn't much better. Uh-oh.
Thankfully, I am going to the physio tomorrow for a massage. He's pretty good at inflicting more pain (or just pressure) to relieve pain somehow...
The Moleskine is starting to have bits and pieces scrawled over each page. Lists of people to email or talk to or see. Jobs that need to be attended to. Lots of question marks - many of them indicate that I need to ask lots of things.
Things to do, people to see, places to go.

I've had a couple of phone calls from people that have wanted me to play for them. Both are good gigs, so I'm quite excited. Before O.S. starts, I hopefully will do some work where I can.

One of the questions I have is why so many things are on 3 July? There is one clear stand-out event that I shall be attending. The second I have to see if it fits in with the first. The third is overseas - I don't think I'll be going to that. But I'm trying to figure out whether I can take that overseas trip after that weekend though. I think I can get a good deal. It just means that I will be away for a while and nobody can plan things that need me then. Perhaps it's first in, best dressed? Surely people know me well enough by now to know that if they want me for a specific date, they need to get in quick?

About this second thing, though. I didn't really listen that well when I got the call. I did what I always do, and asked her to "put it in an email to me". That means I can go back and read it. And when she did email me, I was surprised. Not because of the content of it - I could deal with those, the details. But rather, the first line - not just who she is, but who recommended me on. The strangest part is that I had to google this other person and was surprised that somebody like that knew me. I don't think I know her. I think there are some people who are saying some good things - for that, I am very thankful. Honoured, humbled, and a little bit weirded out (in a good way! Like how amazingly cool it is).

I've been to Cicalata three times this week. Eeek. Yes, the owner already knows me. But he already did a few years ago :P
Perhaps I now qualify for some sort of discount? Even if it's like, 5% off?!? Let's put it this way - I don't have my own tab there (yet! Haha). I do know a few people that do, there!
Anyway, all three meetings have been lovely. I like coffee/lunch dates. Hehe :)
But anyway, while I was there, I thought I'd pop into Borders. You see, I received a Borders gift card from somebody last year, and spent some of it at Christmas time. I knew I had a bit more money left, so I wanted to check it. Over the summer, my brother was just kinda looking through my wallet (not as weird as it sounds!), and pulled out a couple of other Borders cards. I thought they were old, and all summer they just kinda sat there, because I thought I'd throw them out because I'd used all the money. But just before I left, as I cleaned out my room, I thought I'd just put them back in my wallet and check that there wasn't any money left on them. So, I went to Borders yesterday, and asked the people there to check if there was any money left on the cards. And YES! There was a grand total of about $60! YAY! I love it when you find that you have gift voucher money on a card when you're not expecting it :D
So today, after my Cicalata lunch, I thought I'd spend some of the afternoon just browsing. I wasn't set on definitely buying something - more of time to have a look and consider what I'd like to buy.
But I saw so many great things to buy, and still can't decide!

And I suppose this same problem is going to arise when I step into Readings with about the same amount of gift voucher money...!!!

HELP!

So, also yesterday, there occurred this crazy freaky torrential rain/flash flooding in Melbourne. It was truly mad. The previous few days have been pretty hot and humid. And you bet the cool change came through. I just didn't expect it so suddenly and MUCH! I went to the supermarket after coffee date #2. You know, the supermarket is kinda 'underground' - so you can't see the outside surroundings. But as I came up the escalator, I could see it was raining. And I thought, 'Yeah, that's ok. That's why I have an umbrella!'. But then I saw. It was PELTING down. Lightning, thunder, the skys had truly opened up. The sort of rain where if you stand out for a few seconds, you're totally DRENCHED. It was pretty funny to see people just kinda standing there with either paralysed looks of "What do I do now?!" or amused looks of "Hey, what can I do now?" on their faces. I think I was somewhere in-between both of them. I was supposed to make an appointment in about half an hour! Haha.
So I did something very stupid, and when I thought it was easing up a little, I ventured out with my shopping and my umbrella. This is the stupid thing: umbrella + lightning = stupid. Stupid -> me. I admit it.
So I had to cross the diagonal of Lygon/Elgin Streets to get home. And I thought I was being smart, when I saw that the petrol station side had a MASSIVE puddle on the side, and that the cars driving through it at a decent speed would drench any pedestrian. So I got my thinking hat on, and thought I'd cross the road (not at the traffic light...) to avoid this large drench-potential puddle. Smart, I think!

Perhaps not.....I thought I was safe, until I looked at the other corner. Also overflowing, the sidewalk resembling a lake. So I resumed that "What do I do now?!"/"What can I do now?" face that I had before. After several light changes, I decided to suck it up. I was wearing shorts and thongs, so I decided to take the plunge and wade through the lake. It was pretty disgusting - just the leaaves and stuff was kinda gross, but it was pretty funny at the same time. I waded across part of Elgin Street. Yep, still stupid (remember, umbrella+lightning?). I managed to get home, though fairly wet and smelly! I managed to re-schedule my appointment. Hopefully next week will have no more torrential rain....

So those are the exciting things in my life at the moment. Around the meetings, various documents I'm writing (Position Description, Proposal and Budget, profiles, year-long plans etc). I've also just started keeping a complete record of my expenses for each month. It's quite horrific, really. To know that I spend that much money, that often...! But I think it'll be good to actually know the breakdown.
And no, Accounting Reports and Analysis in my final year of university isn't really helping me. I've got a few categories - groceries, food/drink (that is, going out), bills, transport, and the like.....and no, GST is not counted separately :P (GST Receivable, GST Payable). And no, there is no double-entry system (Debits/Credits woo!). It really is about cash flow here.

Busy busy. Like it'd be any other way..!

Packing, unpacking, repacking

And so that is how it is - the three sorts of packing. After five years, I am well and truly sick of it. But clearly not enough to do it again this year!

The official transcript arrived hooray! And it is correct. I do have that Bachelor of Music. You bet I do!

I thought about not going to bed at all the night before I jumped on a plane. I had to wake up at 4am anyway. I thought it might have been amusing just to stay up all night, but decided against it (going to bed at 12.45am) because I really wanted to sleep in my fairly comfy bed!

I assembled my first piece of Ikea furniture this evening. Admittedly, with a bit of help! But still. I'm pretty excited about it - four bits of wood, twelve screws results in one bedside table that isn't the two boxes I've had stacked for the previous two years!

And I remember that when I go away for holiday, the geographical distance is a really good way of distancing myself from work. Even if I do some organisation away from the centre of it all. The work has just flooded in. And thankfully I also have had a few requests to play for stuff. Keepin' busy, that's how it is. I didn't really anticipate having to sit down and do much work this year though, and so it's a bit of a shock to have to do it! But I shall persist and hopefully stuff will get done (though unfortunately not magically).

Still no sign...

...of the supposed transcript. But I called and Andrew Hall with the very nice deep voice and he checked my record and told me that I had indeed graduated. Phew!

I also noticed that my previous post was titled "How Strage", rather than "How Strange". The second of those was the intended.

I have been working a little bit - at least it keeps me occupied for a day. Plus, the woman I'm working for is actually a family friend, so it's pretty chilld out, and we've been going adventuring to see clients and stuff, and she also cooks amazing lunch for us and I help her and learn to cook! Woo!

The Moleskine is filling up a bit - I realised I actually have some work to work on, some thoughts to think about, some plans to put together. But it's quite difficult when one has few guidelines on how to do it. I kinda know what I want to do, but it might take some convincing and some money (always in short supply). Sigh.

How strage

So my academic transcript arrived in the mail yesterday. It was pretty exciting to see the culmination of it all. Until I got to the bottom:

Course(s) completed:
Bachelor of Commerce
with a major in: Economics

Well, that was all good, except for the glaringly obvious ommission. Where is my Bachelor of Music? I had a panic attack for about five minutes as I went to calculate that I had completed enough points. Affirmative. Phew.
Now I just have to figure out this pesky thing.

Our Christmas tree is still up, I have a pile of books to read, a few more operas-on-dvds to watch, and have been relaxing muchly - 'tis a sweet life! But it has been hot and a little uncomfortable at times. I've been shopping a bit in the post-Christmas sales, with the unsurprising result of not having bought anything in the Christmas to New Year period. But don't worry, I redeemed myself by spending a bit more in recent days (hah!).

This year has taken a bit more shape, which is exciting. I'm no longer a full-time member of the 'I Don't Know' Club; I now belong in the 'This is What I'm Doing' Club. In quick summary, this is a brief list of what is to happen in 2010:
The Opera School
Queen's stuff
Chiasma Trio
Another trio (!) - yet un-named
Other chamber music stuffs? Other projects
Stuff at Jude's (yay!)
Work will hopefully be made up of gigs, accompanying, other music-y stuffs
Chamber Camp in September (the only thing that was in pen in my diary for a while!)

And I was worried about it being empty....I don't think so anymore!