ups and downs

about nine months ago i thought i had it all figured out.
and in the last three months it's come crashing down and rebounding up and shattering in all directions.
so much stuff has come up.
august was supposed to be my month of just keepin' on truckin' (and smiling too!). september was supposed to be yours. and then october. but somehow, i felt like i've had to keep telling myself to keep on truckin' and smiling through all of those months. who woulda thunk?
the last four weeks of uni have gone by so quickly - a few bits of assessment here and there. so much performing to do. the last couple of weeks have been C.R.A.Z.Y. So much stuff packed into such little time.
lots of it has been so much fun, couldn't have asked for much more.....much music-ing, crazy rehearsals, emails flying back and forth, comp finals.....(after weird dream!)

but now there is so much other stuff to think about.
i'm scared.
i don't know.
i don't make decisions for myself...!
all so uncertain.
so many ups and downs.

i'm so scared to leave uni - an end of an era. but it means that i lose that certainty. and i've always been one of those people who like to know what is going to happen. guarantee. now what?
feels like limbo.

all so much. have possibly cried more in the last three months than any other three month period of the last five years...!


i'm always doubting my abilities. so to have any suggestion that what i'm doing is not valid makes me doubt even more.

i wish i were that good so that the choices might have been easier...

random ii

negativity. stop. not interested. not funny. tone of voice. get it. you don't understand. you possibly never will. if you really knew. if i don't, i probably don't really care. don't like those nicknames. they're for people who actually know me. weird stalker fashion. talk too much. immature. get over it. assume. wrong. indirect. vague. unsure. misconstrue. dislike.


appreciate. good questions. care. ask. just not prying. make me laugh. make me smile. for good reasons. no reason at all. enjoy the silence. enjoy the sunshine. crazy. madness. in it. support. passion. sincerity. appropriate. encourage. even if you don't understand. that's what wins it.

random

sorry for stuffing y'all around. but thanks for coming. thanks andy. concerts. stolen lemon. miss talking to you. everybody else's parents. can't figure out why it may feel awkward to hug? frick! the 'don't know' club. got a good feeling? too much chiasma love - is there such a thing? programme notes. wearing black. 'no idea'. wearing some colour. lemon on mantlepiece. faure. less than two weeks?! french music. debate. over until exams. exams??? grace.

almost every hour for four days planned and accounted for. worry. too much anxiety. grace.

Childhood III (and not)

I used to think:
* that people had to get married to somebody of the same ethnic background as themselves. (Borne out of the belief that people had to marry people with the same coloured hair as themselves!)
* that 'detergent' was actually 'letergent'.
* that cars (and other vehicles) weren't rigid, and when they went around corners, the body curved around.
* that 'cholesterol-free' on margarine tubs meant that you didn't pay for the cholesterol, you got it for free in the margaine. Similarly with MSG-free etc.
* that perfect pitch was something that everybody had - I didn't think it was a special skill or anything, and couldn't understand why people couldn't just pick out notes like I could.
* that I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, marine biologist or architect. Or lecturing at an institution like Oxford, Cambridge, or Harvard. Sigh.
* that uni and college would be completely filled with intellectually engaging people. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty that are (and almsot all my friends are) but there are others.....


I never thought:
* I'd finish high school, let alone finish university....and here I am, two weeks away from the undergraduate instalment...
* I'd actually be studying at university away from home. I'd definitely been eyeing it for a long time, requesting prospectuses from anywhere and everywhere, and doing all the relevant homework. But considering how much it cost, I was pretty sure there was no chance I'd be going anywhere other than UWA...
* he'd know that I ever liked him. Whaddaya know, sometimes boys aren't as dumb as we girls make them out to be, even at the age of fourteen...
* my music would be such a focus of a my life. Not until the last few years, anyway.


I've always thought:
* that I'm a shy and introverted person. Contrary to apparently popular belief...
* I would have the label/stereotype of nerdy Asian... :P Seems it still sticks?!

Stories from Childhood II

I just went to the London Philharmonic Orchestra concert tonight and it made me think about the fact that it wasn't the first time I've seen them...!
So here we go with another few stories....

This one (the larger picture) I could go on for a very long time if you let me. So maybe I'll just tell the original bit as intended.
In 2002 I was given the amazing opportunity to go on exchange from my school to a wonderful little school in Connecticut, USA. I had a most wonderful time, and still have very fond memories, which pop up every so often. Sometimes there'll be something that happens now and I'll suddenly remember a time at Westover when...
Anyway, the 20th Century Art and History class (I think!) were going on a class trip to Carnegie Hall to see the LPO conducted by Kurt Masur. The ticket was expensive at the time, being a student and given the poor exchange rate. But I thought it would be pretty darn cool, so I coughed it up. And we drove the two hours it was to New York to see the orchestra. We had dinner at some burger place in NYC (Yes, I can say I did that!), remember that the 10% tip worked out to be quite significant, and then went to Carnegie Hall. Wow. I've been there, totally mind-blowing for me now hehe!
The playing was excellent, was all I remember. They played Strauss' Till Eulenspiegel - little did I know that we would be studying this piece in class the following year! Yuri Bashmet also played a viola concerto (I think Walton, did he write one?!). I didn't appreciate who he was at the time. There was also something else on the programme, but obviously something I didn't really know....Ah, so much was lost on me at the age of fifteen! But I do remember it was an excellent concert. Kurt Masur, as I read in tonight's programme and recalled being told about, actually went to the LPO in 2002 from the New York Philhamonic, so there was great sentiment for him in New York so the audience was very excited to hear this great visiting orchestra with a music personality they cherished very much.

Perhaps I might continue on the exchange stories - they're sitll technically my childhood, and they are very strong memories....but if at any time you'd like to hear any more of them, I would love to spill them all, but only if you've got lots of time!

The first (and possibly only, so far?!) assessment I failed was in English II at Westover - the diagnostic grammar test in Bruce Coffin's class. I'd only ever done a little bit of English grammar, and that was largely not at school, but rather out of a workbook that my mum had given me a number of years prior. So apart from classifying simple nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs, there were a bunch of other categories, and lots of exceptions - and different terms for when it functioned differently! Now this teacher was one who marked in a very solid-coloured and tipped pen, I recall it was red for this test. I got my test back a week later with a "50 E/F" on it. I'd never got an F before - how disappointing. He asked to speak to me, and he seemed like such a gruff man, I was so scared! But I explained how we didn't do English grammar in Australia and I didn't know much. He understood and accepted, but also pointed out that it was important in this class, as one day of every week was to be spent on grammar, so I needed to learn it, and that every week (Friday morning?) we would have a one-on-one consultation for me to learn grammar. I remember my final report included something along the lines of "I am impressed with the pluck that Gladys goes about learning grammar".

I don't remember much about New Girl Camp. But I know I went, as I have a photo from it! I knwo it was a pretty cool location, with all sorts of fun activities and stuff. We chose which spirit team we wanted to be on (go Overs!) made these posters, wrote our names on the bottom of these wooden boats (which were later floated in the lake with a candle on them...??). And we travelled back on buses in our spirit teams where we learned cheers and got to know the Over heads.

The little music practice room was a pokey little room next to the Assembly Room. I think I was shown it when I asked the music teachers at the school. It was very small, I think it had a brown grand piano in it, and was fairly claustrophobic. But there was this cupboard in there that had all manners of sheet music, which I explored. It was a litle scary though, considering it was a school with many traditions, stories, history....being in there alone in the evening and night felt a little creepy! But I spent quite a few hours away whiling away at my music....

I remember the Red Hall. It was a beautiful room, and as the name suggests, actually red. Red carpet, beautiful wooden furnishings, cute little lounges on each side with tables and banker's lights. I first walked into this place on the Registration Day - it was such a strange experience to walk into a different school knowing that this was going to be somewhere I was going to live and study at for the next term. A few other memories of this particular room include:
i) that night pretty early in the semester when it stormed at night and the fire alarms went off. I was so taken by how well-drilled everybody was in evacuation procedures, and how calm both Zoe and Pam were! We walked to the LBD in our coats-over-pjs, watching the lightning cast an amazing (and scary) picture of the exterior of the school. And the doors were locked - so much for the evacuation meeting spot! We all had to go back into the school and congregate in Red Hall. And the next morning, the school had already come up with a plan for an alternative evacuation meeting spot.
ii) Playing at a community event held at the school. The piano was moved to the landing of the stairs (how, I do not know still!). But the music teachers had asked three of us to play some background music(including one very lovely, but intimidating senior haha). Everything was far too loud so there was much soft pedal and little touch, hardly ideal, but fun nevertheless. I received a letter of thanks afterwards from the organisation (?, the Family Servies of Greater Waterbury? I don't even remember, but I do have it at home, I think!) which was very kind.
iii) Making an announcement at the final Wednesday assembly of the term, where Marie and I presented the library with a couple of books (of Australia, of course haha). Actually, I stood up and held them up for all to see, Marie did all the talking because I was a) too scared to speak in front of all those people! and b) afriad I was going to cry from being so sad that I had to leave so soon!

There was that one time Zoe said she felt like bouncing off the walls, so we did. Literally. It was hilarious. All three of us in our (fairly massive!) triple room, Zoe, Pam and Gladys. We also had parts in the George Washington Bridge song, which we sang while brushing our teeth. I had so much fun with those girls :D And I did also love the rest of my corridor, as well as the other girls who came a'visiting regularly. They were so much fun, such lovely girls. We used to hang out in Tracy's apartment chatting and eating yummy food she cooked for us (especially the bit of time between Study Hall and In-Room/Lights Out), watching old school Disney movies, playing with her two sons, furiously write emails and chat in the pods (hehe! I def. remember that!), talk on the phone in the phone cupboard (not kidding, 'cupboard'!). There were quite a few rules, but they never felt imposing, nor unfair. It seemed that everybody respected them and abided by them (for the consequences were very serious if not!) and they weren't there to be broken but rather so that everything functioned smoothly and well. I'd never seen anything else like it before, and possibly anything since!

In choosing classes, I was allocated a few that they thought would be suitable for me, and gave me a few options. English II was a necessary, and I was also allocated to a maths class, 'North vs South' (American History), Astronomy and I requested to study Latin I. Marie and I went to a few Astronomy classes, which were very interesting - Terry Hallaran was obviously very interested in it and was so enthusiastic about teaching it and imparting knowledge to his students. On the first day, we attended this class in the science classes (which we struggled to find!) and in that first class we were asked about how the stars and stuff looked different in the southern hemisphere. Heck, I hardly gaze up at night, but luckily the Southern Cross is on the Australian flag, so we mentioned something about it as being an important constellation, thankfully to his satisfaction! I however, decided that Astronomy was not a class I was interested in - if anything, I wanted to do something like Chemistry, but I think I wasn't given the option, or realised that there would be far too many hours than I was interested in, so I decided not to take any science for the term! The history class was mostly made up for Seniors and Juniors, so I know I felt pretty out of place being a sophomore. I think they wanted us to take an American history course, considering we were exchange students (rather than the European history course that most sophomores take). It was a very stimulating class, and Lisa Marie made history very exciting. It was possibly one of the best history courses I've taken at any time in my education. And we received a copy of the American Declaration of Independance and Constitution in a little maroon-covered book. I still have it at home. I wanted to study Latin because I didn't have the opportunity at home, and it was something I was interested in. The instructor, Chris Sweeney, was an excellent teacher. The class was small (five of us?) so it was intimate and we had plenty of speaking time. Chris expected much of us, but was encouraging when we weren't quite so confident or competent just yet. And he had the most intense stare, espcially after he asked you a question (eg. "Can you tell me what case the........is?" Insert piercing look that questions you expecting great things here). He was such a dedicated teacher; I particularly remember during the study day(s?) he was willing to stay at school in the evening till after the study hall that day to help us with last-minute revision (for the exam the next day!) across the boards of his classroom. That's dedication.
The math class, I'm not sure I ever made it to that one. But somehow I figured out pretty quickly that the math class for 'normal' sophomores was not for me and I didn't want to be bored (see previous Stories from Childhood post about my mathematics education). I ended up in Sarkis' class, Pre-Calculus, which was mostly Juniors (a couple of seniors?), which was pretty intimidating - I didn't want to be 'that exchange student in the sophomore class who thinks she's really smart'. But I had a couple of really nice friends who were welcoming about it all. I did pretty well in the class - there were a few different ways that they taught stuff, but I suppose it's like they say in that movie, math is the same in every country! I particularly liked the fact that I knew a bit of the stuff we started off doing, but also learnt some other stuff along the way (which turned out to be stuff that I learnt in math classes the following year back in Australia!). And the boards on the other walls of the classroom (not already with windows) where we'd all solve a problem at the same time. The intention of the boards was so that the teacher could ask a question, and everybody could work it out on the board, and then we could look at how everybody else did it - collaborative (not the right word?!) learning. Interactive, maybe. It was great! I also remember gonig to a few one-on-one consultations with Sarkis, who was very kind and encouraging of my progress in math. My grade had nothing to do with how I was supposed to learn.

I was also in the Fall production of Claire Luce Booth's 'The Women', with the inimitable Marla. I'd never been in a play before. I think I took drama so I could avoid playing sport (field hockey or soccer. I'm really unco, truly.....). So over the course of the term, we selected a play, auditioned for parts, got the roles, rehearsed, put together the set, costumes and what nots. What an amazing experience! I had lines to learn as homework (however many it was...a fair few!). I auditioned for the part of the only non-adult (hah) in the play, the 7-or-so-year-old daughter of one of the main characters; I think I was the only person that wanted that particular role, so I suppose I was very lucky! We performed the show twice, I think (or maybe once, I don't even remember!). It was wonderful to be in the class with girls from other classes, especially the very talented seniors and juniors who were very kind and welcoming. I was lucky to play with Sara as my mother (what fun!) and to discuss American burgers with Crystal, hang with Molly....among many other things.

Alas, as mentioned before, I could go on for a long time about my time at Westover. It was truly wonderful, and a very life-forming experience. But it is late, and there are many stories, not enough time, and not enough energy at the present to tell them all.
Until next time....

Six months

I just want six months to not have an institutionalised schedule (much as it mostly works for me). Six months to sleep a decent number of hours each night. Six months to take time for myself. Six months to keep building relationships, and care more about the ones I have neglected for the past year. Six months of not functioning at 70% every day, and to not be constantly sick. Six months of exploring, learning, developing personally. Six months to be able to say yes to things I'd really like to do. Six months to spend time growing. Six months to see if I'm able to do freelance work (scary thought). Six months of not feeling like I'm always behind. Six months of not feeling under-prepared for so much. Six months of not doing stuff I don't particularly enjoy. Six months of being able to catch up with friends, able to spend time how I want to, and to care more.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, nor how I'm able to explain it. But I'm pretty sure I need it.

Random stories from childhood

I've been thinking in the last little while about various stories of my life. I think most of it is pretty boring, but when I try to re-tell it to myself or consider it from a more mature perspective, I find they are quirky. So I thought I'd try to re-tell some of them.....
In no particular order:

* Our family has been in Australia for seventeen years. I remember bits of it hazily, the whole leaving part. We had been staying at my mother's brother's house in KL and my aunt was pregant at the time. The day we left for Australia was the day that my cousin was born, so when his birthday rolls around each year, we remember how many years we've been here.
It was quite strange. I don't really remember much about it, except that at the airport, my parents and extended were very sad. Everybody was crying. I didn't understand why, I just thought we'd see them again soon. Youthful ignorance...

* I got my first mobile phone at the age of about seventeen. It was an old model from my cousin, which I didn't mind. It was the first time I had a phone! It was pretty exciting. I remember trying to figure out predictive text by myself for the first time and getting so confused and frustrated that I vowed to not use it. But I asked a friend of mine and she explained it all. Since then, I've used predictive text.. :P

* Taking Food and Nutrition classes at high school were great fun. They were essentially cooking classes. It was an elective in grades nine and ten, which I elected to take. I pretty much didn't know how to cook before that. I still don't feel overly confident in the kitchen, but the classes were good at least for letting me try stuff! I also took Cake Decorating in grade ten, much to the amusement and enjoyment of my brother. Subject selection in pre-TEE serious years requires one to put in a ranking of subjects that one would like to take. Not all of them have to be ranked, indicating that you don't want to take the subject at all. I indicated Cake Decorating at No. 5 (my last preference), thinking that it was such a low rank that there was no way that I'd be taking it. Much to my surprise, however, it turned up on my timetable. I was actually an average student in that class, but again, not very confident. And possibly the funnest slack class because of what we were doing, although I have to admit that I didn't enjoy the people in my class overly much.

* In year 8 Maths, possibly in the first class (which was already somewhat streamed), Mrs Sawyer gave us a diagnostic test. It was possibly one of the easiest things I'd done, and subsequently got it all right. The teacher soon after spoke to me and told me it'd be boring to keep me back through high school if I had already learnt lots of the stuff. So she had a meeting with my parents later, and my proposed maths schedule for the next few years was as such: I would take Yr 8 maths as per normal, and in Yr 9, I would study both Yr9 and Yr10 Maths. The teacher for both my yr 8 and 10 maths was the same so she could spend one day a week teaching me the material and helping me out. And then the plan was that by the time I got into Yr 10, I could take one of the Yr 11 maths, and in Yr 11 take one of the TEE maths, giving me more space in my schedule to fit in another TEE subject if I so desired. So in yr 10, I was going to one of my yr10 math classes with friends in my year, but my maths class was the Yr 11 Geometry and Trigonometry class. Now, it is a fairly strange concept in Perth (or at my school) at least that girls in different years are in the same class. The system works by what grade you are in. So, I felt a bit of a loner in this class, even though I knew of most of the girls. Thankfully, there were some very kind people, and the class members as a whole were nice. As it turns out, I was doing well in Yr 9 with the extra maths simultaneously, but ended up going on exchange halfway through yr10. Therefore, when I came back to St Mary's in yr 11, I re-enrolled in Geometry and Trigonometry (with possibly the same teacher??) again and took the class (and the subsequent year) as per 'normal' with my year.

* In pre-primary, which I attended for about two and a half months when we first moved to Australia, we had a Christmas event at the end of the year. Our class put on a 'production' of Wombat Stew. (Classic!). I remember I was one of the animals and had to wear a mask, and dance around in a circle. Fun.
Then 'Santa' came to give out presents and visit us. Our parents had been prior to this to provide a present for their child that Santa could distribute. I don't think I ever believed in Santa, and this was well and truly confirmed at the age of five when this Santa gave me a present, and it was a box of coloured pencils, very similar to a number of other boxes of very similar coloured pencils we had in a drawer at home.

* My brother and I used to share a room at at old house. The room itself was actually fairly large. We had a cavity in the wall where the old TV sat - spoiled children much?!?! Admittedly, we didn't watch it that much...although I do remember towards the end of our time there watching some cricket (for the most part, dead boring to me!). My bedtime was usually earlier than my brother's, but sometimes if I hadn't fallen asleep, I'd hear him being tucked in. Or sometimes he was noisy, and I'd get woken up and be very annoyed! He also breathes quite loudly which used to annoy me out of my brain that sometimes I'd poke him until he turned the other way... :P

* I've had relatives and other family friends tell me that I have my maternal grandfather's facial shape. It's funny, I don't really communicate much with my grandparents as both of my mum's parents don't really speak English (my grandfather not at all), and I suppose largely because most of my childhood was spent growing up away from them. So to have a physical link to my grandparents (besides the obvious one) is something that makes me think that I really am identifiable with my family, but still in a distanced way.


That's it for today's installment. More random stories to come another day....