The stuff you do and the stuff you don't

If you've known me for a long time, or even just a short time, or have followed any of my progress through life of late, you'll know that this year has been filled with some of the most amazing highs and deep lows. You'll know that I've smiled lots and very widely this year with some people, but you might or mightn't know that I've probably also cried more this year than the previous four combined.

You'll know of the decision I have come to make that I wanted to pursue music full-time in my life. But you'll also know that my Plan A went astray. As did my Plan B. And you'll know that I don't make Plan Cs because I usually go with A, or at least, B.

And you'll know that I have amazing friends who support and love me. But you'll also know that I've found it hard to devote as much as I like to all of them individually. You'll know that I have a bunch of really close friends for different things. But possibly no one person crosses all those different things.

You'll know that I spent the last five years asking myself the same question. And have come to a sort-of conclusion by now. But you'll also know that I love learning just for the sake of it.

You'll know that I am a little bit crazy and say yes to all sorts of things. But you'll also know that there are some times that I think my youthful enthusiasm gets me into all sorts of situations that are possibly way beyond me.

You'll know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist (I think it comes with being one of those pianists). But you mightn't know that I'm getting really good at faking it too. Handy, but not necessarily good all the time.

You'll know that I like having the next week of my life planned out and if you want to catch up, you'll need to make sure I put it in my diary and allocate time for it. But you'll also know that I have only vague plans for next year and what it looks like. And you'll know that I am so scared about not being able to pay rent, pursue what I actually want to, not learn in the way I want to, not achieve the things I want to.

You'll know that my next week is fully booked. But I have no idea where to put the other things. And sometimes I think you think you know that there isn't enough time. But you mightn't know that if you really want it and ask, I'd make time.

You'll know that if often looks like I have it all together and have it all under control. But you mightn't know that I'm padlling as fast as I can underneath the surface. And sometimes it sure doesn't feel like it's fast enough.

You'll know of the amazing opportunities that have been thrown at me. But you mightn't know that it hurts so much not to take them all, because I fear so much that I won't get anything like it again.

You'll know that I sleep about six to seven hours per night - and it's definitely not enough when it all catches up. And you'll know that I didn't avoid to manage the university student typical coffee addiction within the last four weeks of uni.

You'll know that I operate at about 70% on any given day. But even I don't really know what it's like to feel 100%. You'll know that I probably need to take better care of myself. But I think I need other people to look after me, because I know I probably wouldn't.

You'll know that I'm a bit of a workaholic. But you mightn't know that I also manage to waste a lot of time doing I-don't-know-what. And you mightn't know that there are some days I just want to laze around and do nothing, but you'd know that I'd rather usually do that with other people.

You should know that I love and care so much for my friends that I would do almost anything for them - and I get upset when I can't. You might see it as favouritism, coldness to some or others, but you'd know it if you were on the receiving end. You'd perhaps know if you can hear the smile when I pick up the phone, or saw it just before I did.

You'll know that I don't like putting people out of their way. But you mightn't know that if I ever do, it's either because I really like you (and think that you might like me enough to do so too) or I really don't and couldn't really care less. Having said that, it is not my intentional aim though to do so.

You'll know that I love this city, most because of the people I've met and the friends I've made, but also because of the things that I've done in it, and the memories I have of certain things. But you'll know that I also have a little bit of an itch to go elsewhere, but I'm so scared of leaving all this to somewhere new and unknown, or even old and now-unknown.

not the daily grind

But at the same time, yes it is....go figure.
The ups and downs continue, but perhaps with less volatility. Heck, this sounds like a comparison of the Australian economy pre- and post-1980s reform. Wow. NERD!

And so it goes...some of the ups:
*music-king
*concerts - both playing and watching
*rehearsals, intense tutes
*amazing singing. That made me almost cry on both occasions :)
*celebrating with friends
*remembering what awesome friends i have
*tramming adventures
*eating adventures
*'study breaks'-cum-adventures
*randomness
*popping-ins to say hi
*running into friends
*crazy photos (in the library!)
*spontaneous excursions
*talking for hours
*communal study sessions
*good food
*good friends


and some of the downs:
*can't read it!!
*what does it all mean???
*study for hours
*study unproductively for hours!
*realising how much I don't know
*obnoxious people

And those with no specific category:
*The 'Don't Know' Club slowly morphing into the 'I think I may have a bit sorted out' Club. Don't worry, we'll see be there for each other!
*Big ideas. Scary. But cool.
*Making some decisions. Scary also.
*Sorting out the short-term life. CRAZY!
*Knowing the lines
*P.R.!
*Stuff to look forward to. But so much to do around it!

My questions:
*Isn't it obvious?
*Why is it like that?
*What would it be like?
*Why don't you just tell me?
*What would you think?
*How would you react?
*Would that be weird? (Because it's totally out of character)
*What's going to happen?
*Can we still do that stuff?
*Do you want to?
*How can we make it work?
*How can I make it happen?
*Are we just dancing around the issues?

Yup, I'm a question-asker.....

ups and downs

about nine months ago i thought i had it all figured out.
and in the last three months it's come crashing down and rebounding up and shattering in all directions.
so much stuff has come up.
august was supposed to be my month of just keepin' on truckin' (and smiling too!). september was supposed to be yours. and then october. but somehow, i felt like i've had to keep telling myself to keep on truckin' and smiling through all of those months. who woulda thunk?
the last four weeks of uni have gone by so quickly - a few bits of assessment here and there. so much performing to do. the last couple of weeks have been C.R.A.Z.Y. So much stuff packed into such little time.
lots of it has been so much fun, couldn't have asked for much more.....much music-ing, crazy rehearsals, emails flying back and forth, comp finals.....(after weird dream!)

but now there is so much other stuff to think about.
i'm scared.
i don't know.
i don't make decisions for myself...!
all so uncertain.
so many ups and downs.

i'm so scared to leave uni - an end of an era. but it means that i lose that certainty. and i've always been one of those people who like to know what is going to happen. guarantee. now what?
feels like limbo.

all so much. have possibly cried more in the last three months than any other three month period of the last five years...!


i'm always doubting my abilities. so to have any suggestion that what i'm doing is not valid makes me doubt even more.

i wish i were that good so that the choices might have been easier...

random ii

negativity. stop. not interested. not funny. tone of voice. get it. you don't understand. you possibly never will. if you really knew. if i don't, i probably don't really care. don't like those nicknames. they're for people who actually know me. weird stalker fashion. talk too much. immature. get over it. assume. wrong. indirect. vague. unsure. misconstrue. dislike.


appreciate. good questions. care. ask. just not prying. make me laugh. make me smile. for good reasons. no reason at all. enjoy the silence. enjoy the sunshine. crazy. madness. in it. support. passion. sincerity. appropriate. encourage. even if you don't understand. that's what wins it.

random

sorry for stuffing y'all around. but thanks for coming. thanks andy. concerts. stolen lemon. miss talking to you. everybody else's parents. can't figure out why it may feel awkward to hug? frick! the 'don't know' club. got a good feeling? too much chiasma love - is there such a thing? programme notes. wearing black. 'no idea'. wearing some colour. lemon on mantlepiece. faure. less than two weeks?! french music. debate. over until exams. exams??? grace.

almost every hour for four days planned and accounted for. worry. too much anxiety. grace.

Childhood III (and not)

I used to think:
* that people had to get married to somebody of the same ethnic background as themselves. (Borne out of the belief that people had to marry people with the same coloured hair as themselves!)
* that 'detergent' was actually 'letergent'.
* that cars (and other vehicles) weren't rigid, and when they went around corners, the body curved around.
* that 'cholesterol-free' on margarine tubs meant that you didn't pay for the cholesterol, you got it for free in the margaine. Similarly with MSG-free etc.
* that perfect pitch was something that everybody had - I didn't think it was a special skill or anything, and couldn't understand why people couldn't just pick out notes like I could.
* that I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, marine biologist or architect. Or lecturing at an institution like Oxford, Cambridge, or Harvard. Sigh.
* that uni and college would be completely filled with intellectually engaging people. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty that are (and almsot all my friends are) but there are others.....


I never thought:
* I'd finish high school, let alone finish university....and here I am, two weeks away from the undergraduate instalment...
* I'd actually be studying at university away from home. I'd definitely been eyeing it for a long time, requesting prospectuses from anywhere and everywhere, and doing all the relevant homework. But considering how much it cost, I was pretty sure there was no chance I'd be going anywhere other than UWA...
* he'd know that I ever liked him. Whaddaya know, sometimes boys aren't as dumb as we girls make them out to be, even at the age of fourteen...
* my music would be such a focus of a my life. Not until the last few years, anyway.


I've always thought:
* that I'm a shy and introverted person. Contrary to apparently popular belief...
* I would have the label/stereotype of nerdy Asian... :P Seems it still sticks?!

Stories from Childhood II

I just went to the London Philharmonic Orchestra concert tonight and it made me think about the fact that it wasn't the first time I've seen them...!
So here we go with another few stories....

This one (the larger picture) I could go on for a very long time if you let me. So maybe I'll just tell the original bit as intended.
In 2002 I was given the amazing opportunity to go on exchange from my school to a wonderful little school in Connecticut, USA. I had a most wonderful time, and still have very fond memories, which pop up every so often. Sometimes there'll be something that happens now and I'll suddenly remember a time at Westover when...
Anyway, the 20th Century Art and History class (I think!) were going on a class trip to Carnegie Hall to see the LPO conducted by Kurt Masur. The ticket was expensive at the time, being a student and given the poor exchange rate. But I thought it would be pretty darn cool, so I coughed it up. And we drove the two hours it was to New York to see the orchestra. We had dinner at some burger place in NYC (Yes, I can say I did that!), remember that the 10% tip worked out to be quite significant, and then went to Carnegie Hall. Wow. I've been there, totally mind-blowing for me now hehe!
The playing was excellent, was all I remember. They played Strauss' Till Eulenspiegel - little did I know that we would be studying this piece in class the following year! Yuri Bashmet also played a viola concerto (I think Walton, did he write one?!). I didn't appreciate who he was at the time. There was also something else on the programme, but obviously something I didn't really know....Ah, so much was lost on me at the age of fifteen! But I do remember it was an excellent concert. Kurt Masur, as I read in tonight's programme and recalled being told about, actually went to the LPO in 2002 from the New York Philhamonic, so there was great sentiment for him in New York so the audience was very excited to hear this great visiting orchestra with a music personality they cherished very much.

Perhaps I might continue on the exchange stories - they're sitll technically my childhood, and they are very strong memories....but if at any time you'd like to hear any more of them, I would love to spill them all, but only if you've got lots of time!

The first (and possibly only, so far?!) assessment I failed was in English II at Westover - the diagnostic grammar test in Bruce Coffin's class. I'd only ever done a little bit of English grammar, and that was largely not at school, but rather out of a workbook that my mum had given me a number of years prior. So apart from classifying simple nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs, there were a bunch of other categories, and lots of exceptions - and different terms for when it functioned differently! Now this teacher was one who marked in a very solid-coloured and tipped pen, I recall it was red for this test. I got my test back a week later with a "50 E/F" on it. I'd never got an F before - how disappointing. He asked to speak to me, and he seemed like such a gruff man, I was so scared! But I explained how we didn't do English grammar in Australia and I didn't know much. He understood and accepted, but also pointed out that it was important in this class, as one day of every week was to be spent on grammar, so I needed to learn it, and that every week (Friday morning?) we would have a one-on-one consultation for me to learn grammar. I remember my final report included something along the lines of "I am impressed with the pluck that Gladys goes about learning grammar".

I don't remember much about New Girl Camp. But I know I went, as I have a photo from it! I knwo it was a pretty cool location, with all sorts of fun activities and stuff. We chose which spirit team we wanted to be on (go Overs!) made these posters, wrote our names on the bottom of these wooden boats (which were later floated in the lake with a candle on them...??). And we travelled back on buses in our spirit teams where we learned cheers and got to know the Over heads.

The little music practice room was a pokey little room next to the Assembly Room. I think I was shown it when I asked the music teachers at the school. It was very small, I think it had a brown grand piano in it, and was fairly claustrophobic. But there was this cupboard in there that had all manners of sheet music, which I explored. It was a litle scary though, considering it was a school with many traditions, stories, history....being in there alone in the evening and night felt a little creepy! But I spent quite a few hours away whiling away at my music....

I remember the Red Hall. It was a beautiful room, and as the name suggests, actually red. Red carpet, beautiful wooden furnishings, cute little lounges on each side with tables and banker's lights. I first walked into this place on the Registration Day - it was such a strange experience to walk into a different school knowing that this was going to be somewhere I was going to live and study at for the next term. A few other memories of this particular room include:
i) that night pretty early in the semester when it stormed at night and the fire alarms went off. I was so taken by how well-drilled everybody was in evacuation procedures, and how calm both Zoe and Pam were! We walked to the LBD in our coats-over-pjs, watching the lightning cast an amazing (and scary) picture of the exterior of the school. And the doors were locked - so much for the evacuation meeting spot! We all had to go back into the school and congregate in Red Hall. And the next morning, the school had already come up with a plan for an alternative evacuation meeting spot.
ii) Playing at a community event held at the school. The piano was moved to the landing of the stairs (how, I do not know still!). But the music teachers had asked three of us to play some background music(including one very lovely, but intimidating senior haha). Everything was far too loud so there was much soft pedal and little touch, hardly ideal, but fun nevertheless. I received a letter of thanks afterwards from the organisation (?, the Family Servies of Greater Waterbury? I don't even remember, but I do have it at home, I think!) which was very kind.
iii) Making an announcement at the final Wednesday assembly of the term, where Marie and I presented the library with a couple of books (of Australia, of course haha). Actually, I stood up and held them up for all to see, Marie did all the talking because I was a) too scared to speak in front of all those people! and b) afriad I was going to cry from being so sad that I had to leave so soon!

There was that one time Zoe said she felt like bouncing off the walls, so we did. Literally. It was hilarious. All three of us in our (fairly massive!) triple room, Zoe, Pam and Gladys. We also had parts in the George Washington Bridge song, which we sang while brushing our teeth. I had so much fun with those girls :D And I did also love the rest of my corridor, as well as the other girls who came a'visiting regularly. They were so much fun, such lovely girls. We used to hang out in Tracy's apartment chatting and eating yummy food she cooked for us (especially the bit of time between Study Hall and In-Room/Lights Out), watching old school Disney movies, playing with her two sons, furiously write emails and chat in the pods (hehe! I def. remember that!), talk on the phone in the phone cupboard (not kidding, 'cupboard'!). There were quite a few rules, but they never felt imposing, nor unfair. It seemed that everybody respected them and abided by them (for the consequences were very serious if not!) and they weren't there to be broken but rather so that everything functioned smoothly and well. I'd never seen anything else like it before, and possibly anything since!

In choosing classes, I was allocated a few that they thought would be suitable for me, and gave me a few options. English II was a necessary, and I was also allocated to a maths class, 'North vs South' (American History), Astronomy and I requested to study Latin I. Marie and I went to a few Astronomy classes, which were very interesting - Terry Hallaran was obviously very interested in it and was so enthusiastic about teaching it and imparting knowledge to his students. On the first day, we attended this class in the science classes (which we struggled to find!) and in that first class we were asked about how the stars and stuff looked different in the southern hemisphere. Heck, I hardly gaze up at night, but luckily the Southern Cross is on the Australian flag, so we mentioned something about it as being an important constellation, thankfully to his satisfaction! I however, decided that Astronomy was not a class I was interested in - if anything, I wanted to do something like Chemistry, but I think I wasn't given the option, or realised that there would be far too many hours than I was interested in, so I decided not to take any science for the term! The history class was mostly made up for Seniors and Juniors, so I know I felt pretty out of place being a sophomore. I think they wanted us to take an American history course, considering we were exchange students (rather than the European history course that most sophomores take). It was a very stimulating class, and Lisa Marie made history very exciting. It was possibly one of the best history courses I've taken at any time in my education. And we received a copy of the American Declaration of Independance and Constitution in a little maroon-covered book. I still have it at home. I wanted to study Latin because I didn't have the opportunity at home, and it was something I was interested in. The instructor, Chris Sweeney, was an excellent teacher. The class was small (five of us?) so it was intimate and we had plenty of speaking time. Chris expected much of us, but was encouraging when we weren't quite so confident or competent just yet. And he had the most intense stare, espcially after he asked you a question (eg. "Can you tell me what case the........is?" Insert piercing look that questions you expecting great things here). He was such a dedicated teacher; I particularly remember during the study day(s?) he was willing to stay at school in the evening till after the study hall that day to help us with last-minute revision (for the exam the next day!) across the boards of his classroom. That's dedication.
The math class, I'm not sure I ever made it to that one. But somehow I figured out pretty quickly that the math class for 'normal' sophomores was not for me and I didn't want to be bored (see previous Stories from Childhood post about my mathematics education). I ended up in Sarkis' class, Pre-Calculus, which was mostly Juniors (a couple of seniors?), which was pretty intimidating - I didn't want to be 'that exchange student in the sophomore class who thinks she's really smart'. But I had a couple of really nice friends who were welcoming about it all. I did pretty well in the class - there were a few different ways that they taught stuff, but I suppose it's like they say in that movie, math is the same in every country! I particularly liked the fact that I knew a bit of the stuff we started off doing, but also learnt some other stuff along the way (which turned out to be stuff that I learnt in math classes the following year back in Australia!). And the boards on the other walls of the classroom (not already with windows) where we'd all solve a problem at the same time. The intention of the boards was so that the teacher could ask a question, and everybody could work it out on the board, and then we could look at how everybody else did it - collaborative (not the right word?!) learning. Interactive, maybe. It was great! I also remember gonig to a few one-on-one consultations with Sarkis, who was very kind and encouraging of my progress in math. My grade had nothing to do with how I was supposed to learn.

I was also in the Fall production of Claire Luce Booth's 'The Women', with the inimitable Marla. I'd never been in a play before. I think I took drama so I could avoid playing sport (field hockey or soccer. I'm really unco, truly.....). So over the course of the term, we selected a play, auditioned for parts, got the roles, rehearsed, put together the set, costumes and what nots. What an amazing experience! I had lines to learn as homework (however many it was...a fair few!). I auditioned for the part of the only non-adult (hah) in the play, the 7-or-so-year-old daughter of one of the main characters; I think I was the only person that wanted that particular role, so I suppose I was very lucky! We performed the show twice, I think (or maybe once, I don't even remember!). It was wonderful to be in the class with girls from other classes, especially the very talented seniors and juniors who were very kind and welcoming. I was lucky to play with Sara as my mother (what fun!) and to discuss American burgers with Crystal, hang with Molly....among many other things.

Alas, as mentioned before, I could go on for a long time about my time at Westover. It was truly wonderful, and a very life-forming experience. But it is late, and there are many stories, not enough time, and not enough energy at the present to tell them all.
Until next time....