The windup

My last week or so in Melbourne was full of fun things, and really quite a wonderful way to end such an intense year. We had our last concert for Opera Studio, which was fantastic. It really was wonderful to see the growth of the singers across the year. I remember feeling very nervous and intimidated when I first got to Opera School; I remember being overwhelmed with so many new faces and people to meet. And now, after living in each other's space for a ten months, it felt weird to part from them, and to know that we weren't going to be seeing each other every day. It was like deja vu as we stood around having some supper - it was just like morning tea on the very first day! Except now I knew everybody (rather than just three people or so...) and they were comforting, supporting and loving faces. I will admit that I will miss the fun things we do at Opera School; I will definitely miss the people very much. But time passes, we enjoy and take as much as we can from experiences and move on to the next thing, whatever it may be.

I lived in some friends' house for the first two weeks of December as my rental contract finished at the end of November. I remembered again why I hate living in temporary accommodation - the packing, the unpacking, the packing, the unpacking!!! I really can't wait until I have my own house. Permanent. Bliss! The friends in this house were very generous, and much fun to live with, even as a temporary housemate. Couldn't complain about the location either - right next to the church, one minute from the tram line. Particularly convenient, as I had a few rehearsals for Carols, as well as for MYO. To tell you the truth, it didn't really feel like holidays until Sunday evening, when these were all over; but it did feel good to be keeping busy, doing things that I enjoy. There was even a bit of time to catch up with some people (though not enough time to catch up with everybody. There never is, is there?). There was a wander to Brunswick Rd to meet up with a friend of my aunt's (who is an opera singer!) and to peruse a few shops. There are some excellent, exciting discoveries to be made there!

After one rehearsal, we drove out to a friend's house, which was 'open'. Not in the sense of they were selling their house, but that their doors were open to friends and family. It was a very pleasant evening, tinged with all sorts of emotions.

There was a friendly Unichurch vs. City on a Hill soccer match; I thought I'd head along - not much else to do on that evening, and I perhaps thought I'd feel even the tiniest bit more sporty just by WATCHING soccer. Right? We had to make sure that the girls sitting on the sidelines in support of our male friends and acquaintances did not act in a particularly girly way. Example: when ball comes flying at us, not to scream. Instead, stay calm and dodge ball in a relaxed and cool manner. The first half was dominated by CoaH, but Unichurch did well in the second half stepped up their game and scored a goal! It was terribly exciting - we were worried that the result was going to be a goal-less draw. Our enjoyment of being in the lead was fairly short-lived as CoaH scored an equaliser goal. Not long after that, Unichurch had the real opportunity for a winning goal. Unfortunately, one of our players collided into the goalpost and required some fairly urgent medical attention (which did not come for nearly two hours, I'm told). The ensuing photos that appeared on Facebook of the injury were quite disturbingly bloody but incited great fascination! Maybe it's a good thing that there was a draw then.

Carols on Carlton was fantastic - I'd never done a St Jude's carols event before, so it was exciting to be part of it. I still felt pretty shaky going into it even though we'd had a few (long!) rehearsals. Of course, this was a big event and there was a large band to suit the occasion. It was good to be playing with some regular faces (even in different roles!), as well as some others from different congregations. The rehearsals increased in intensity as we neared the day and realised that we had a lot of work to do! We played 21 songs, which is quite a lot, really. Given the estimation of our leader extraordinaire of allocating two hours for four songs (or perhaps more easily put, half an hour or so per song), we should have rehearsed for 10.5hrs. I'm not sure whether we did. Or maybe we did in total, but begs the question of what the most effective way to rehearse is. Is it more effective to spend a concentrated half hour on each song, or to spend the time in a more fragmented way across weeks? I've just read part of Dan Ariely's The Upside of Irrationality which talks about adaptation and how we can apply that to periods of enjoyment (and how to maximise it) and periods of pain (and how to minimise it) given that humans are quite adaptable beings. This has got me thinking about effective use of time. There was lots of to-ing and fro-ing on the #1 tram, which still made me late for stuff, but I suppose you can't make the trams go any faster than they already do. I can't believe we did the entire set for the soundcheck (this happened to be quite a theme for the weekend) - when we got to the actual thing, I wasn't sure if I had enough energy to sustain through it all again! But the excitement of the whole night gives one energy, and we had a fantastic time doing it all again. There were some surprises, but otherwise, it was all tight. And I was quite impressed by everybody's touch of red :) It was a pleasant evening - lovely to see so many people - some friends from Unichurch, some friends of Unichurch (and ex-Unichurchers), others from St Jude's, and people from the community. The children who danced at the very front put a big smile on my face! Two friends even came by just to check it out for a little bit, which was cool.

Following the night, all hands were on deck to help bump-out. After this year of Opera School, I have definitely seen all the large equipment that goes into making things like this possible, and the testament to many hands make light work! Of course, much of the equipment is quite heavy and highly unsuitable for me to be moving or lifting; I therefore asked for 'helpful girly jobs'. After helping out as much as we could, a little bunch of us went to get pizza. Yum. So satisfying. There's something about downing hot tasty pizza after a long day with friends. (That's eating pizza with friends, and a long day with friends.) Oh, and definitely a cold drink to wash it down with :)

The next day was another busy one; MYO's final concert! I had been looking forward to this concert since the end of last year - on the programme was Dvorak's Carnival Overture, Saint-Saens' Carnival of the Animals and Stravinsky's Petrushka. I had agreed to play in the Stravinsky and to cancel pretty much everything else that may crop up in order to do it! The rehearsals had gone quite well and I was feeling pretty confident about it; I had practiced this part intensely for a little while. But today was the heat intensifying - ABC Classic FM recorded it, so there was that added pressure of it being preserved forever! And there was an audience - who paid to come! So, trying not to freak out, I did it. I remember thinking while playing, "Just get on with the job, you can totally do it!" I did enjoy much of it - perhaps apart from the high-pressure sections. And then there are large sections of tacet that I can sit back and relax and just listen to the music!

After that, I felt more on holidays. Apart from a few meetings the next day. Hah. Holidays?
The first meeting I had was about work next year. Unfortunately, not terribly exciting and unfortunately, possibly a little demeaning. Oh well. I'm just trying to suck it up, and just get on with it. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it extremely much at the present, particularly in comparison to what other things I'll be doing (!!!) but I think the way to get through it is just to suck it up. And to take heart that I'll be living in an area that I like (including close to my church and shops, and some friends), it's one tram to the Academy and that my flatmate will be a good friend of mine.

My other meeting involved me meeting my new piano teacher for next year! I anticipated that it'd take about half an hour. However, an hour and a half later was when we wrapped up the meeting. I had gone in with some thoughts, but came out with three more pages of suggestions, listening ideas and technical exercises. One of the most exciting discussions was about my concerto for the concerto competition. Can I just note here that he (my teacher) has only heard me play twice - once in the chamber competition heat, and the second in my audition, when I played the same piece, and one bit of sight-reading. And somehow, he knew what I'd like. We talked about Beethoven (which I'll be playing lots of next year!), and I slipped in a segueway about my proposed concerto. He said, "I know which one!" and he was right. Exactly right. Uncanny, really. So, now I have a VERY large pile of books to look through and decide what I'd like to play. I'm impressed with the significant level of autonomy I'm being given in what I'd like to learn. It's strangely and incredibly liberating! A photo may come sometime to show this big pile.

A bunch of us went out for dinner at Shanghai Dumpling that night. I don't think anybody really anticipated that there would be about sixteen people sharing this banquet. I had heard about this banquet from friends across time, but this was my first experience of it. And yes, they just kept bringing out food. Wow. I was well and truly stuffed. And of course, after that feed, we needed to go for a drink. I have to admit that I was getting annoyed that I was part of one of those groups of peopel who wander around the city looking for somewhere to have a beverage! We finally went somewhere that was open a bit later on a Monday night (!) and stayed for a little while to enjoy some friendly company. My flight was the following day, very early (at 6.30am!), so I had considered not going to bed at all. To my great surprise, a few friends were willing to stay up all night, for the amusement factor. We stayed at the bar until they kicked us out, we tried to go to what we thought was a 24hr Pancake Parlour in the city (and failed), and then went home to hang out for another few hours until I had to leave for the airport! I was well and thoroughly amused at the longevity of the night and its fun stuff.

We watched the sun rise as we drove to the airport. I made it onto the plane and back home to Perth safely. This summer was supposed to be just a time to rest; I think it will also be a time to learn lots of music (!!) and absorb some sun. I always have the first week of feeling a little panicked about not being around the friends that I see everyday, or every week, but they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope this is true of this summer.

twist and turns and stories

This time last year was one where I reflected on how many tears had been shed in those recent months, and how all was uncertain.
And this year, I felt pretty similar. With perhaps more tears over more months. But maybe just excuse how teary I can get, though not often in public.
And 2010 found a way of working itself out. After Plan A didn't materialise, Plan B was discarded long before, and Plan C was non-existant from the beginning.

A few months ago, the job of Trainee Repetiteur with the English National Opera was advertised. I had seen this link when somebody shared it on Facebook. I sort of read it, and thought 'Oh, that's great. But totally not me.'
The artistic director of Opera Studio thought otherwise, though, and forwarded the link to me, and strongly encouraged me to apply. I had nothing to lose anyway, right? And if I actually got it, wouldn't it be cool to spend six months working in London?! Nevermind that it was to start in January 2011 (two months notice of leaving everything?!) and that it would be the dead of winter; nevermind that I don't think I have enough money to live in London for six months! Still, an opportunity to apply should never be missed!
Can I just say, I'd never written a job application before in my entire life. Up to this day, I still have not had a job interview in my entire life, all 23 years and six months or so of it.

I set to work writing a cover letter, pulling together my CV and what nots. I had lots of help from some lovely generous people who took the time to read my material over and suggest changes. I spent about half an hour on the phone with my mother the night before I emailled it off, making sure all of it was perfect!

I didn't know why they were advertising: was it because they had somebody in mind, and legal requirements stipulate that one must advertise the position in any case? Or it's a new job that's been created? Or did they have a vacancy to fill? Or they wanted to see if there was any interest in the job anyway?
These we will never know.

I found out a week later that I didn't get it.
I wasn't terribly disappointed - I mean, it would have been exciting to go (!!!!) but at the same time, I was quite relieved, as the idea of moving to London in such a short frame of time was quite daunting.

I had talked to my old piano teacher for an hour just after I sent my application to ask her advice about teachers, summer schools, further study options and the like. She was very helpful, and very encouraging. She said that the most important thing was not to take the whole 'career-choosing' and stuff too seriously. She had many suggestions, many people she suggested to contact, and spelled out lots of things for me.

However, the next story is longer. Possibly much longer. But I shall try to keep it as concise as possible.

About two and a half weeks ago, I played the Smetana trio with two friends in the ANAM Chamber Music Competition heat. We had been rehearsing intensely for about three weeks; it helped that the cellist and I had already played it together (even though we changed some things this time around), and that it is one of the pieces that the violinist loves the most, so that really helped it all! We had a few tutorials, which were very helpful too.
Anyway, so after playing, which went ok (we weren't in the finals, that's ok. Some bits were amazing, some bits not quite so amazing..) the panel asked to speak to me. They asked how old I was, and whether I had ever thought about applying for the Academy. They asked what my plans were for next year, and what I was currently doing. I answered these all honestly, making sure I slipped in that I love chamber music, but that I haven't had a piano lesson in two years. Strengths and weaknesses, right?!
So, at the end of that, they strongly encouraged me to seriously consider applying for the Academy's programme for 2011 and taht if I was seriously interested, to get in touch formally to apply officially and they would set up an audition.

So I agonised a little that weekend, and thought that I had nothing to lose. If I audition and was successful, I would go to the Academy in 2011, and do their programme, and pretty much do what I was hoping to do in 2011, just in a formalised and structured environment. And without having to go and find all the opportunities myself necessarily. If I wasn't successful, I'd just be in the same position as I was that day - just going to do what I was going to do in 2011. Nothing to lose. I talked to several friends to get their opinions, and they all were very encouraging, which was helpful.

So, the following week, I went in for my audition on about one day's notice. I don't think I played particularly well, but I think my interview was at least entertaining! It really was quite an exceptional circumstance of the entire process. I didn't feel particularly enthusiastic about my chances after the audition, but I could only wait and hope, right?

One week and a day later, I got a phone call from the student manager lady and I have been offered a place in the Professional Performance Programme for 2011! I have since accepted, but the news is still sinking in, three days later. I'm still in shock. I was surprised from the very beginning, to be honest. I was surprised that they were so interested in my playing that they wanted to speak to me. I was surprised that they strongly encouraged me to apply. I was surprised that they were so willing to accommodate my recent learning history (like, not much?!). I was surprised that they wanted me to come!!!!

That afternoon, I started letting people know - those who knew what a confused two weeks I had, and those who were the most supportive and encouraing through the entire process! One friend promptly called as soon as I sent her a message and was so excited that she was jumping up and down. At that moment, I thought I should be excited too, and started jumping up and down myself!

I am still surprised, but also excited. I am also really nervous. There is a little bit of me that feels like I need to prove myself - to prove that they made the right decision to admit me. To show that I am capable of it. That I'm good enough to be there. That I am different and interesting and able to contribute and learn so much. I've always thought that the people there seem so self-assured and confident; I sure don't feel like that. Maybe I'll be able to at least give off that vibe by the end of my first month there! There are so many things to think about now - what repertoire, what I want to achieve, perhaps even who I'd like to play with (if I get a choice?!). I suppose it means it changes some other things too. Like current ensembles - to what extent can one keep those up? How will the Academy change me? (I'm hoping all for the better!)

I think my job will still be do-able concurrently with the Academy. The job is not time-intense, for the most part and I think will provide some contrast to what I do during the greater part of the day. I have found that teaching this year has been a great pleasure and privilege, to be able to shape these students and to (hopefully positively!) impact their learning. I have been blessed with such wonderful, talented and motivated students this year - I am very sad that most of them are leaving! I think also having some geographical separation will be good - I know time is a limited asset, but I think having some sort of enforced downtime will be good for me, and being able to have some distinct boundaries that mean it is not all of my life. I have learned that I never really switch off my music brain anyway, that it constantly ticks.

Earlier this year, a friend asked how I was going, and as I started to tell her that I was busy, that there was some friction in some relationships and that I wasn't feeling particularly connected to many friends, I broke down completely. Yes, in a fairly public place. Much to my horror!
And that's one of the things I have felt that I have lacked this year - in all of its excitingness and busyness, I have not been able to give as much time as I hoped to certain people. She pointed out that this was ok, and a really normal part of life - everybody's moving in that stage where it does get busy, and that relationships that were formally very close could still be close, just not as frequent and intense. I was struggling because I felt my relationships were not close, and not frequent nor intense!

I had made a resolution that 2011 was going to have more time to give to other people. I'm not so sure how that is going to work now. Maybe it's about efficiency. Or maybe I will have some time. I'm pretty sure what I'll be doing for the greater part of the day, though, will be the things I had this year had to put after hours. Which I think will be a bit of a relief, physically and mentally. I have realised this year that my body is really not keeping up with my anticipated energy expectations of myself. My coffee addiction has increased infinitely since last year. (Infinitely being mathematically correct, not just as a description, as my coffee intake last year was zero.)

I think there's this quote somewhere (that I obviously cannot remember much of...) that goes along the lines of 'in reaching everywhere, we search to find nothing'. Clearly not a real proverb of much help.
But it really feels like I have done so much exciting stuff this year, but the friendships I used to enjoy have changed so significantly in the last year. Sure, there were friends who are excited for me, for so many reasons. And I appreciate them so much. But this time last year, they wouldn't have all been the first people I called. It's funny how it's changed so much. It seemed like I had so much to tell but nobody who might've been the right person to really celebrate ALL the highs of this year with.

A number of years ago, I did the Myers-Briggs personality test with the result of INFJ. I re-took it this year, and came up with ISTJ, I think. Maybe I've had an identity crisis! But I have always considered myself an introvert; maybe Myers-Briggs agrees with me. Many of my friends would have said otherwise.
But  it's ok to just have a few really close friends. Maybe that's what I haven't realised yet.

I go into 2011 with excitement about the (unknown!) plans that are in store for me. But I also proceed with nervousness. About what the year will bring, the surprises that will inevitably pop up, the people who I will care most about, the people with whom I'll share my greatest fears and most exciting news, the struggles and frustrations of being limited by so many things.
But I think the only way to overcome all those is to embrace it all with enthusiasm and vigour. I'm pretty sure I don't know any other way.

Until then, I look forward to the summer holiday I shall have relaxing and recovering from this year, and to refresh myself for the next. There is Stravinsky to perform (which I'm terribly excited about!) and carols to play, and friends to catch up with.

And Plan A eventually materialised, even if it was one year later. I hope Jeff Borland would be proud of me!

I ask for your forgiveness in my excessive thoughts which are always of a random nature. And offer my congratulations if you got all the way to the end.