twist and turns and stories

This time last year was one where I reflected on how many tears had been shed in those recent months, and how all was uncertain.
And this year, I felt pretty similar. With perhaps more tears over more months. But maybe just excuse how teary I can get, though not often in public.
And 2010 found a way of working itself out. After Plan A didn't materialise, Plan B was discarded long before, and Plan C was non-existant from the beginning.

A few months ago, the job of Trainee Repetiteur with the English National Opera was advertised. I had seen this link when somebody shared it on Facebook. I sort of read it, and thought 'Oh, that's great. But totally not me.'
The artistic director of Opera Studio thought otherwise, though, and forwarded the link to me, and strongly encouraged me to apply. I had nothing to lose anyway, right? And if I actually got it, wouldn't it be cool to spend six months working in London?! Nevermind that it was to start in January 2011 (two months notice of leaving everything?!) and that it would be the dead of winter; nevermind that I don't think I have enough money to live in London for six months! Still, an opportunity to apply should never be missed!
Can I just say, I'd never written a job application before in my entire life. Up to this day, I still have not had a job interview in my entire life, all 23 years and six months or so of it.

I set to work writing a cover letter, pulling together my CV and what nots. I had lots of help from some lovely generous people who took the time to read my material over and suggest changes. I spent about half an hour on the phone with my mother the night before I emailled it off, making sure all of it was perfect!

I didn't know why they were advertising: was it because they had somebody in mind, and legal requirements stipulate that one must advertise the position in any case? Or it's a new job that's been created? Or did they have a vacancy to fill? Or they wanted to see if there was any interest in the job anyway?
These we will never know.

I found out a week later that I didn't get it.
I wasn't terribly disappointed - I mean, it would have been exciting to go (!!!!) but at the same time, I was quite relieved, as the idea of moving to London in such a short frame of time was quite daunting.

I had talked to my old piano teacher for an hour just after I sent my application to ask her advice about teachers, summer schools, further study options and the like. She was very helpful, and very encouraging. She said that the most important thing was not to take the whole 'career-choosing' and stuff too seriously. She had many suggestions, many people she suggested to contact, and spelled out lots of things for me.

However, the next story is longer. Possibly much longer. But I shall try to keep it as concise as possible.

About two and a half weeks ago, I played the Smetana trio with two friends in the ANAM Chamber Music Competition heat. We had been rehearsing intensely for about three weeks; it helped that the cellist and I had already played it together (even though we changed some things this time around), and that it is one of the pieces that the violinist loves the most, so that really helped it all! We had a few tutorials, which were very helpful too.
Anyway, so after playing, which went ok (we weren't in the finals, that's ok. Some bits were amazing, some bits not quite so amazing..) the panel asked to speak to me. They asked how old I was, and whether I had ever thought about applying for the Academy. They asked what my plans were for next year, and what I was currently doing. I answered these all honestly, making sure I slipped in that I love chamber music, but that I haven't had a piano lesson in two years. Strengths and weaknesses, right?!
So, at the end of that, they strongly encouraged me to seriously consider applying for the Academy's programme for 2011 and taht if I was seriously interested, to get in touch formally to apply officially and they would set up an audition.

So I agonised a little that weekend, and thought that I had nothing to lose. If I audition and was successful, I would go to the Academy in 2011, and do their programme, and pretty much do what I was hoping to do in 2011, just in a formalised and structured environment. And without having to go and find all the opportunities myself necessarily. If I wasn't successful, I'd just be in the same position as I was that day - just going to do what I was going to do in 2011. Nothing to lose. I talked to several friends to get their opinions, and they all were very encouraging, which was helpful.

So, the following week, I went in for my audition on about one day's notice. I don't think I played particularly well, but I think my interview was at least entertaining! It really was quite an exceptional circumstance of the entire process. I didn't feel particularly enthusiastic about my chances after the audition, but I could only wait and hope, right?

One week and a day later, I got a phone call from the student manager lady and I have been offered a place in the Professional Performance Programme for 2011! I have since accepted, but the news is still sinking in, three days later. I'm still in shock. I was surprised from the very beginning, to be honest. I was surprised that they were so interested in my playing that they wanted to speak to me. I was surprised that they strongly encouraged me to apply. I was surprised that they were so willing to accommodate my recent learning history (like, not much?!). I was surprised that they wanted me to come!!!!

That afternoon, I started letting people know - those who knew what a confused two weeks I had, and those who were the most supportive and encouraing through the entire process! One friend promptly called as soon as I sent her a message and was so excited that she was jumping up and down. At that moment, I thought I should be excited too, and started jumping up and down myself!

I am still surprised, but also excited. I am also really nervous. There is a little bit of me that feels like I need to prove myself - to prove that they made the right decision to admit me. To show that I am capable of it. That I'm good enough to be there. That I am different and interesting and able to contribute and learn so much. I've always thought that the people there seem so self-assured and confident; I sure don't feel like that. Maybe I'll be able to at least give off that vibe by the end of my first month there! There are so many things to think about now - what repertoire, what I want to achieve, perhaps even who I'd like to play with (if I get a choice?!). I suppose it means it changes some other things too. Like current ensembles - to what extent can one keep those up? How will the Academy change me? (I'm hoping all for the better!)

I think my job will still be do-able concurrently with the Academy. The job is not time-intense, for the most part and I think will provide some contrast to what I do during the greater part of the day. I have found that teaching this year has been a great pleasure and privilege, to be able to shape these students and to (hopefully positively!) impact their learning. I have been blessed with such wonderful, talented and motivated students this year - I am very sad that most of them are leaving! I think also having some geographical separation will be good - I know time is a limited asset, but I think having some sort of enforced downtime will be good for me, and being able to have some distinct boundaries that mean it is not all of my life. I have learned that I never really switch off my music brain anyway, that it constantly ticks.

Earlier this year, a friend asked how I was going, and as I started to tell her that I was busy, that there was some friction in some relationships and that I wasn't feeling particularly connected to many friends, I broke down completely. Yes, in a fairly public place. Much to my horror!
And that's one of the things I have felt that I have lacked this year - in all of its excitingness and busyness, I have not been able to give as much time as I hoped to certain people. She pointed out that this was ok, and a really normal part of life - everybody's moving in that stage where it does get busy, and that relationships that were formally very close could still be close, just not as frequent and intense. I was struggling because I felt my relationships were not close, and not frequent nor intense!

I had made a resolution that 2011 was going to have more time to give to other people. I'm not so sure how that is going to work now. Maybe it's about efficiency. Or maybe I will have some time. I'm pretty sure what I'll be doing for the greater part of the day, though, will be the things I had this year had to put after hours. Which I think will be a bit of a relief, physically and mentally. I have realised this year that my body is really not keeping up with my anticipated energy expectations of myself. My coffee addiction has increased infinitely since last year. (Infinitely being mathematically correct, not just as a description, as my coffee intake last year was zero.)

I think there's this quote somewhere (that I obviously cannot remember much of...) that goes along the lines of 'in reaching everywhere, we search to find nothing'. Clearly not a real proverb of much help.
But it really feels like I have done so much exciting stuff this year, but the friendships I used to enjoy have changed so significantly in the last year. Sure, there were friends who are excited for me, for so many reasons. And I appreciate them so much. But this time last year, they wouldn't have all been the first people I called. It's funny how it's changed so much. It seemed like I had so much to tell but nobody who might've been the right person to really celebrate ALL the highs of this year with.

A number of years ago, I did the Myers-Briggs personality test with the result of INFJ. I re-took it this year, and came up with ISTJ, I think. Maybe I've had an identity crisis! But I have always considered myself an introvert; maybe Myers-Briggs agrees with me. Many of my friends would have said otherwise.
But  it's ok to just have a few really close friends. Maybe that's what I haven't realised yet.

I go into 2011 with excitement about the (unknown!) plans that are in store for me. But I also proceed with nervousness. About what the year will bring, the surprises that will inevitably pop up, the people who I will care most about, the people with whom I'll share my greatest fears and most exciting news, the struggles and frustrations of being limited by so many things.
But I think the only way to overcome all those is to embrace it all with enthusiasm and vigour. I'm pretty sure I don't know any other way.

Until then, I look forward to the summer holiday I shall have relaxing and recovering from this year, and to refresh myself for the next. There is Stravinsky to perform (which I'm terribly excited about!) and carols to play, and friends to catch up with.

And Plan A eventually materialised, even if it was one year later. I hope Jeff Borland would be proud of me!

I ask for your forgiveness in my excessive thoughts which are always of a random nature. And offer my congratulations if you got all the way to the end.