almost home!

i go home tomorrow night, which i'm really excited about. i suppose what they told me was right: as one progresses through their degree, one realises that going home is actually really good, and one starts to miss home a bit more as they grow older. I think this is true in my case. I can't wait to go home to see family, and to sleep comfortably (not that here is uncomfortable, but my own bed at home), and to use my own bathroom, and to be able to lounge out (even though i have a lounge here..) and to have food stocks well replenished (thank you mummy and daddy! hehe)
i'm just looking forward to having some time off to really relax a bit, and catch up with work. it feels like i've been here for ages already, which is kinda true, but they've all been go-go-going weeks, and even on weekends i feel like i have little time to relax.

i think i'm also getting more cynical..that's gotta be bad....
for example, the other night was good. but i didn't enjoy it. i sat there picking at stuff. i felt really bad for doing it and quite guilty that although it was good, i was critiquing it all. and yeah, as a musician, i know i listen to everything with a critical view (not necessarily bad critical, but with all open ears) and i can't turn it off, whatever it is, but i'm terribly bad at faking stuff too.

i'm not really sure how i feel right now. well, for the past few days, i suppose.
my classes are really interesting, that's for sure. i think that's one of the things sustaining me right now, the thing that makes me get up every morning. microeconomics, potentially the driest subject, has an awesome lecturer, who's russian. she's really quite funny, apart from the accent, and she's very cute. for example, she showed us a segment from lord of the rings, to demonstrate that "even elves try to maximise their utility!" hehe. my tutor for the subject is also really good, and explains things really well. he's really nice and understanding, which always helps. the tutes don't comprise any component of the assessment, so it's not necessary to go (although helpful) so our class has diminished in size a little, but the people who are still around are obviously the ones who want to learn, and they're a great bunch - they talk, ask questions and generally interact well. techniques is also very interesting, although my composition (40 bars, serial method, in the style of webern or schoenberg, i chose schoenberg for the thicker texture, of course making life harder for myself...) sounds horrible, i think! the process of composition was great though, i really enjoyed it. the philosophical aethetics that some of these 20th century composers (and later) are really quite interesting. i'm not sure i agree with them all, but i can see where they're coming from. unfortunately, i don't think most other students in my class even appreciate the concept being interesting, even if they don't enjoy it. which is a pity - i like learning in an environment where the students, my peers, are self-motivated and genuinely interested in the material because this motivates me too. which brings me to my techniques tute, which last week, was almost excruciating. boring and piontless, that is. we learnt almost nothing new, didn't really consolidate anything from the lecture, and created more confusion and red tape and restrictions than i would have liked. or that were specified in the subject outline at all. i suppose in comparison to my micro tute, this tute is so dead - the people aren't really interested in being there, but are because they expect to be told pearls of wisdom (rather than interested in having a genuine discussion about the material to extend their minds), and there are questions that are obviously asked with the sole intention of getting better marks. sure, marks and assessment is important, but not the whole story of uni and learning. it all sounds a bit idealistic, but at least i have some ideas, i suppose. i suppose i consider education to be an experience, a tool for further use, and to having ends that extend beyond purely learning for the material's sake.

idealism is all around us, i think. a friend admitted that if circumstances were ideal then a lot of things would be as such. i think this was one of the most challenging, but interesting conversations i've had in a little while. it was good though. it forced me to think about how i would express my beliefs. and although the medium was probably not my preferred form of communication, it forced me to express it in words concisely and with clarity. which often doesn't happen when i talk. i appreciated the honesty in which my friend conversed with me, something i really value in friendship.

people often ask my opinion on things. and ask things about what to do, how to do it etc. of course that's what friends do. but it seems that it often is a general consensus "oh, ask her, she knows everything". it's kinda nice in a way that people think this (whether it's true or not is another question....! but i have likened myself to the office lady, who knows lots of things and who to talk to and the like...haha) but i wonder if they actually do think i know stuff. and i wonder if they think i have got it all together. because i'll tell you, i don't think i do most of the time. but if they think i do, what am i doing that suggests so? judging by the state of my desk, one would suspect that i am a seriously disorganised, messy, hectic person who's off with the fairies. i think half of it is true half the time. i'm not saying that i'd like that 'role' to be changed, i'm just intrigued to find out why people ask me things.

in general, i think the last week has been a little disappointing for me with a few exceptions. i could put it down to a few things, including assignment stress. (two due on successive days, and not worth too much individually, but it's the 1st one, and i'd like to keep on top of work...) unfortunately on tuesday night i spent several hours working on my serial composition and lost a little bit of it (a couple of bars, but they were really good bars..). i had worked on it that day, as well as doing my micro assignment [involving getting stuck for an hour, only to make a 'breakthrough' only to discover later that my 'breakthrough' was wrong, and then submitting an answer which was very easy, which took me one minute to calculate. it had better be correct - i spent too much time doing that problem!] i stayed up till 2am just putting in all the notes, because that was what i'd intended to achieve that day. and i had to talk myself into justifying that it was alright not to wake up at 6am later that morning to practice. so i slept in till 7.30am. i was so proud of myself. i think i've been disappointed with the expectations i held of some things, only to find out the results were otherwise to what i expected. the combination of little sleep, deflated expectations, the heat (barring yesterday and today) and just general bothersome probably hasn't put me in the best mood. for that, i'm very sorry.

i feel like these days i'm either feeling sorry because i can't do X or Y due to other commitments, or in a bad mood (which has happened a bit more in three weeks than the last year combined..!) [here we go, i'll apologise again...] and the only people i can show this side to are a select few for whom it doesn't matter if i'm in such a mood, or i can put it aside because i enjoy their company so much.

in some ways i'm able to detach from things really easily. in others, everything is emotionally/physically/thoughtfully involved. that's human, yeah? the way i usually cope is to throw myself deeper into the things i do, the things i enjoy, and the things i know need working on. maybe that's why i'm a workaholic. there, i admitted it. i really am. although when i want to, i'm pretty sure i can be a very big bum haha. but i hope that the reason i do (fairly) well is because i work hard as a result of being so sad/disappointed/up-and-down every year. that would be a pretty bad motivator.

so, the title of this post "almost home!" is very optimistic. and ultimately it's turned out to be anything but happy. so, if you were reading with the anticipation that it was going to be happy, i apologise. there's been so many things piling up, with one massive issue being piano (too much detail to write here, but i am playing piano this year, don't you worry!) and my plans for 2008, which may or may not determine the next few years...
i can't wait to get home to:
-sleep
-practice
-study
-catch up and actually make sense of all the material
-geographically distance myself from everything and everybody (much as i love you all..)
i'm sorry if i don't even get to see all you guys in perth. given the list above, i'm planning to have a pretty quiet trip.
even if it means i don't see you for two weeks or three months or put rehearsals on hold. i think i need to do this one for myself.......
just for myself...i hope you don't think it's selfish.

i have power! (this was supposed to be posted in 17 March 2008.....somehow it didn't...)

as of last week, i have power!
that is, for my laptop. i already have mss power haha. Just kidding.
anyway, so my quota usage has taken an enormous hit, but you know, that happens

I've been able to do invites for my 21st, work for MSS stuff, create my 40-bar composition on sibelius (after S sending me all the fonts, and walking me through how to uninstall and reinstall the programme), surf the net in my room. You know, all that funky stuff.

too long...

okay, the main reason there hasn't been any activity here is because my laptop's AC adaptor has busted, it doesn't work, and my laptop battery isn't functioning either, so essentially i don't have a computer in my room. which makes for a bit of a hassle, but at the same time, makes me actually have to study. and i don't waste hours each night online, or facebooking hah.
but anyway...
uni has started.
since i last wrote, there have been many things going on. you know, o'week organisation, meetings, practice, catching up with some people, a few rehearsals here and there. it's been busy.
and then uni started. and i think i nearly died, i was ready for a holiday at the end of my long summer. go figure.
but nevertheless uni started. the first two days were ridiculously hectic. and then it settled down a bit for the rest of the week but this is not to say it wasn't busy.
it looks like it's going to be a hard semester - many assignments, many bits and pieces. exams that are worth lots (by that i mean about 70%), and there will be many things to do.
oh well, like much has changed anyway..!
i'm doing ok with this whole living situation at the moment...learning how to balance the uni with college with my life in a flat. furthermore, my flatmate has just left for mexico for about four weeks, so it's the whole place to myself at the moment, which is a little freaky at times, but i also know that from here on in, everything is my responsibility. which is a good thing, i think. i hope anyway.
i baked muffins last week for some friends, which was incredibly fun. i didn't make that many though, so there'll have to be more batches to come!

anyway...i'm still waiting for P to ring me to pick me up for breakfast, but i'm not sure what's happening...oh well. i'll keep waiting...adios.