Useless tips

Thanks to Rach for this one..! :)

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at
a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the
f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*stard.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two
bottles of bleach,then urinating into it, before
jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs,
start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken
steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your
next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit
of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how
tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the
real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since
you'd no doubtbe made aware of their special dietary
requirements, tell them aboutyours, and ask for a
nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end
of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years
you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Hyundai drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the
things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look
like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important
first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an
amusing manner.