A New Year

So, I know it's been about six and a bit weeks since the new year actually started. But even now it feels like it's still new. It's still dawning on me that this is a very new phase of my life. Although last year admittedly felt like one too - and I spent most of the year wondering how it could have progressed so much, yet I still didn't feel like I'd gotten off to a flying start.

But this year - this year is really a new beginning. I can officially say that I'm a university graduate. It strikes me that even though there are now many people who are, or who will be, this is also a great thing. Even two generations ago, not that many people had a university education. None of my grandparents did, I'll tell you that. And hearing some stories about my mum's side of the family really made me aware of that. I'm really quite excited to see my grandparents in May - they, along with my parents, as well as one aunt and uncle, will be coming to Melbourne. My brother says that my graduation is not the actual reason that they're coming, but rather, that my graduation is the catalyst for them coming to visit. True :) That's ok. It will be exciting, if a bit hectic as well! I won't have holidays at that time, so it'll have to be around School stuff. Plus, I've put in a pressing request for pineapple tarts :D Yum.

So, I have to wean myself off the phrase, "Oh, I'm a student" now. I've had that status for the last seventeen years. It's hard to shake it off after that long! And now I can say that I'm doing a sort of 'internship'. That's what School was described to me as, well, at least my role there. It's a pretty good description, actually! It was nice to get a clearer picture of how it was all going to work. Still some stuff remains to be seen, but hopefully it'll slot into place nicely.

When I was unpacking all my stuff, I did more of what I did at the end of last year when I was packing all my stuff - throwing stuff out! I was quite impressed with my efforts, considering that I know I'm a hoarder. And I've put some stuff in the 'give away' or 'take home' boxes so that I don't have to do that thing where every year I just put stuff in the cupboards and drawers, only for them to sit there for the rest of the year, only to be packed up again without having been used. However, I haven't really figured out a way of organising much of my music. I have a chamber music file, as well as another box of recently-used instrumental music. Organised by instruments (divided by colours, I kid you not!). Organisational Freakism? I suspect so. But all the vocal and choral music (and most of my piano music too!) remains in a great pile that consists of about two boxes. Disgusting, hey?! I plateaued in enthusiasm with the unpacking. Oops.

Also this year, it feels like there's already lots of changes. Without trying to point fingers (because I don't actually want to do that, nor feel that way), I feel like what I've known and gotten really comfortable with is undergoing a fairly intense seismic shift. (Does that even make sense? It does in my head, so I'm going to run with it!). It makes me a little unstable and unsure, but I'm pretty sure I'm big enough to deal with it. Just that it's a little hard to, but that's ok. For example, there is some great pleasure I'm finding in just having the freedom to go where I want, go to the bookshop at an obscure hour. It took me most of my childhood to like my name (sorry parents! I do like it now!), my hair, my size, most of me. That's probably something that one learns as they grow up. And now I'm also slowly getting used to who I am. And where I am at any point in time.

So I figured this year would be different. Not just because of circumstances. Although that may have a large impact on it all. I say it's going to be different every year, but I think these seismic shifts in all sorts of things in all sorts of directions will determine the differences, the differences from other years. I don't think I'll be any less busy. Perhaps equally so, or even more so, if that's even possible. But being able to say no to things I actually just can't manage. I'm determined this year to not let my health suffer as much as it has in the past five years! So, taking care of myself is high up there. As well as being able to know when too much is overcommitting to things that I know I will not be able to follow through on. And being deliberate about things. And getting to know people and things outside the circle that I've known for so long. That will be hard, but I'd like to give it a healthy shot.

It's also been nice to see my cousin a bit more in the past month. It's funny - growing up, I thought this one would be the one I got on the least well with. But that's the thing - growing up changes things. I always felt really dumb next to him; I still do. But now we toss ideas around. Mostly they're me nodding and saying 'uh-huh', but at least now I understand it. Vaguely.

And the funny thing about talking with him is that he suggested all sorts of ideas and things to read and check out. And after the most amazing semester (last semester) in the Economics department, I wonder what would have happened if I'd run with all that. Instead of dropping it all, as I seem to have done now. Not that I'd give any of it away. But what would have happened if I had been more selective. And actually considered the other possibilities. Because it was pretty clear to me by fourth year what I wanted to do. And those two finals years of uni really confirmed it. I think it's all a balancing act. But I don't know whether it's even possible to balance it out completely?

I suppose for the meantime, I keep reading about these other ideas. I pursue that stuff for interest and brain-tickling. Maybe when my hands fall off I'll get back into it more intensely. In any case, I'm glad that my other degree was useful for more than just the extra year at uni that gave me an amazing bunch of friends and experiences. It really pushed me to think about economics as more than just something I did in the commerce degree because it was interesting, but something that was actually interesting and something I enjoyed doing. There. I said it. What amazing teachers I had. I actually ran into one of them yesterday at Readings. Now, let me tell you, JB is actually a legend. Not only does this man teach one of the larger classes at university (Introductory Microeconomics; in my time, this had a total of about 1600 students in four lectures across one day, twice a week!), but he enjoys it - you can tell by the way he gets so excited about it. And he loves Australian Economic History. And cares so much for his students. Even in my first tute, he accepted the fact that I wanted to be a musician. And was genuinely interested. I casually asked him yesterday, 'Oh, so when are you heading off to Harvard?' He's taking up the position of Chair of Australian Studies there. I cannot impress to you how amazing this is.
And still he asked me how my performances went at the end of last year. What a legend.
And still, much can be said about my other lecturer. I was pretty 'lucky' in the entire class. Of about ten or eleven experiements in the course of one semester, I was paid about three times. And that's when there were about twenty students in the class. I won more times than is theoretically likely. And there were a few times I headed back with my lecturer to collect my payment, and we'd chat about all sorts of ideas under the sun. About interests, how things work, 'why' things. And I was stunned one day when he told me that he was quite (pleasantly) surprised that I was somebody who was obviously very passionate about the creativity side of me and was so sharply analytical. And that I was acutely critical in my presentation. And that I 'seriously under-rated' myself in giving a score for the presentation.
Which makes me think about the potential that teachers have. And the potential they see in their students, and how they can best encourage it.
And then I think whether I am leaving some sort of potential dormant? Or untapped? Unused? I know lots of people who would strongly encourage me in the creativity front. I appreciate that immensely. But I sometimes think that there are few people I'd share the other side of my brain with. The nerdy ideas side. Why is that? Is it because people don't really care about those? Or aren't interested in them? Or don't have those sorts of ideas? The nerdy ones? Or nerdy ones that don't really correlate with mine?

Anyway, that was a large leap away from much of the other events recounted previously. But back to the thoughts at hand - new year, new experiences, new adventures, new thoughts, new attitudes, new intentions, new circles, new triangles?

Ouch!

I have this stabbing pain in my upper back on the left hand side. Practicing piano is a bit painful. Using the computer isn't much better. Uh-oh.
Thankfully, I am going to the physio tomorrow for a massage. He's pretty good at inflicting more pain (or just pressure) to relieve pain somehow...
The Moleskine is starting to have bits and pieces scrawled over each page. Lists of people to email or talk to or see. Jobs that need to be attended to. Lots of question marks - many of them indicate that I need to ask lots of things.
Things to do, people to see, places to go.

I've had a couple of phone calls from people that have wanted me to play for them. Both are good gigs, so I'm quite excited. Before O.S. starts, I hopefully will do some work where I can.

One of the questions I have is why so many things are on 3 July? There is one clear stand-out event that I shall be attending. The second I have to see if it fits in with the first. The third is overseas - I don't think I'll be going to that. But I'm trying to figure out whether I can take that overseas trip after that weekend though. I think I can get a good deal. It just means that I will be away for a while and nobody can plan things that need me then. Perhaps it's first in, best dressed? Surely people know me well enough by now to know that if they want me for a specific date, they need to get in quick?

About this second thing, though. I didn't really listen that well when I got the call. I did what I always do, and asked her to "put it in an email to me". That means I can go back and read it. And when she did email me, I was surprised. Not because of the content of it - I could deal with those, the details. But rather, the first line - not just who she is, but who recommended me on. The strangest part is that I had to google this other person and was surprised that somebody like that knew me. I don't think I know her. I think there are some people who are saying some good things - for that, I am very thankful. Honoured, humbled, and a little bit weirded out (in a good way! Like how amazingly cool it is).

I've been to Cicalata three times this week. Eeek. Yes, the owner already knows me. But he already did a few years ago :P
Perhaps I now qualify for some sort of discount? Even if it's like, 5% off?!? Let's put it this way - I don't have my own tab there (yet! Haha). I do know a few people that do, there!
Anyway, all three meetings have been lovely. I like coffee/lunch dates. Hehe :)
But anyway, while I was there, I thought I'd pop into Borders. You see, I received a Borders gift card from somebody last year, and spent some of it at Christmas time. I knew I had a bit more money left, so I wanted to check it. Over the summer, my brother was just kinda looking through my wallet (not as weird as it sounds!), and pulled out a couple of other Borders cards. I thought they were old, and all summer they just kinda sat there, because I thought I'd throw them out because I'd used all the money. But just before I left, as I cleaned out my room, I thought I'd just put them back in my wallet and check that there wasn't any money left on them. So, I went to Borders yesterday, and asked the people there to check if there was any money left on the cards. And YES! There was a grand total of about $60! YAY! I love it when you find that you have gift voucher money on a card when you're not expecting it :D
So today, after my Cicalata lunch, I thought I'd spend some of the afternoon just browsing. I wasn't set on definitely buying something - more of time to have a look and consider what I'd like to buy.
But I saw so many great things to buy, and still can't decide!

And I suppose this same problem is going to arise when I step into Readings with about the same amount of gift voucher money...!!!

HELP!

So, also yesterday, there occurred this crazy freaky torrential rain/flash flooding in Melbourne. It was truly mad. The previous few days have been pretty hot and humid. And you bet the cool change came through. I just didn't expect it so suddenly and MUCH! I went to the supermarket after coffee date #2. You know, the supermarket is kinda 'underground' - so you can't see the outside surroundings. But as I came up the escalator, I could see it was raining. And I thought, 'Yeah, that's ok. That's why I have an umbrella!'. But then I saw. It was PELTING down. Lightning, thunder, the skys had truly opened up. The sort of rain where if you stand out for a few seconds, you're totally DRENCHED. It was pretty funny to see people just kinda standing there with either paralysed looks of "What do I do now?!" or amused looks of "Hey, what can I do now?" on their faces. I think I was somewhere in-between both of them. I was supposed to make an appointment in about half an hour! Haha.
So I did something very stupid, and when I thought it was easing up a little, I ventured out with my shopping and my umbrella. This is the stupid thing: umbrella + lightning = stupid. Stupid -> me. I admit it.
So I had to cross the diagonal of Lygon/Elgin Streets to get home. And I thought I was being smart, when I saw that the petrol station side had a MASSIVE puddle on the side, and that the cars driving through it at a decent speed would drench any pedestrian. So I got my thinking hat on, and thought I'd cross the road (not at the traffic light...) to avoid this large drench-potential puddle. Smart, I think!

Perhaps not.....I thought I was safe, until I looked at the other corner. Also overflowing, the sidewalk resembling a lake. So I resumed that "What do I do now?!"/"What can I do now?" face that I had before. After several light changes, I decided to suck it up. I was wearing shorts and thongs, so I decided to take the plunge and wade through the lake. It was pretty disgusting - just the leaaves and stuff was kinda gross, but it was pretty funny at the same time. I waded across part of Elgin Street. Yep, still stupid (remember, umbrella+lightning?). I managed to get home, though fairly wet and smelly! I managed to re-schedule my appointment. Hopefully next week will have no more torrential rain....

So those are the exciting things in my life at the moment. Around the meetings, various documents I'm writing (Position Description, Proposal and Budget, profiles, year-long plans etc). I've also just started keeping a complete record of my expenses for each month. It's quite horrific, really. To know that I spend that much money, that often...! But I think it'll be good to actually know the breakdown.
And no, Accounting Reports and Analysis in my final year of university isn't really helping me. I've got a few categories - groceries, food/drink (that is, going out), bills, transport, and the like.....and no, GST is not counted separately :P (GST Receivable, GST Payable). And no, there is no double-entry system (Debits/Credits woo!). It really is about cash flow here.

Busy busy. Like it'd be any other way..!

Packing, unpacking, repacking

And so that is how it is - the three sorts of packing. After five years, I am well and truly sick of it. But clearly not enough to do it again this year!

The official transcript arrived hooray! And it is correct. I do have that Bachelor of Music. You bet I do!

I thought about not going to bed at all the night before I jumped on a plane. I had to wake up at 4am anyway. I thought it might have been amusing just to stay up all night, but decided against it (going to bed at 12.45am) because I really wanted to sleep in my fairly comfy bed!

I assembled my first piece of Ikea furniture this evening. Admittedly, with a bit of help! But still. I'm pretty excited about it - four bits of wood, twelve screws results in one bedside table that isn't the two boxes I've had stacked for the previous two years!

And I remember that when I go away for holiday, the geographical distance is a really good way of distancing myself from work. Even if I do some organisation away from the centre of it all. The work has just flooded in. And thankfully I also have had a few requests to play for stuff. Keepin' busy, that's how it is. I didn't really anticipate having to sit down and do much work this year though, and so it's a bit of a shock to have to do it! But I shall persist and hopefully stuff will get done (though unfortunately not magically).

Still no sign...

...of the supposed transcript. But I called and Andrew Hall with the very nice deep voice and he checked my record and told me that I had indeed graduated. Phew!

I also noticed that my previous post was titled "How Strage", rather than "How Strange". The second of those was the intended.

I have been working a little bit - at least it keeps me occupied for a day. Plus, the woman I'm working for is actually a family friend, so it's pretty chilld out, and we've been going adventuring to see clients and stuff, and she also cooks amazing lunch for us and I help her and learn to cook! Woo!

The Moleskine is filling up a bit - I realised I actually have some work to work on, some thoughts to think about, some plans to put together. But it's quite difficult when one has few guidelines on how to do it. I kinda know what I want to do, but it might take some convincing and some money (always in short supply). Sigh.

How strage

So my academic transcript arrived in the mail yesterday. It was pretty exciting to see the culmination of it all. Until I got to the bottom:

Course(s) completed:
Bachelor of Commerce
with a major in: Economics

Well, that was all good, except for the glaringly obvious ommission. Where is my Bachelor of Music? I had a panic attack for about five minutes as I went to calculate that I had completed enough points. Affirmative. Phew.
Now I just have to figure out this pesky thing.

Our Christmas tree is still up, I have a pile of books to read, a few more operas-on-dvds to watch, and have been relaxing muchly - 'tis a sweet life! But it has been hot and a little uncomfortable at times. I've been shopping a bit in the post-Christmas sales, with the unsurprising result of not having bought anything in the Christmas to New Year period. But don't worry, I redeemed myself by spending a bit more in recent days (hah!).

This year has taken a bit more shape, which is exciting. I'm no longer a full-time member of the 'I Don't Know' Club; I now belong in the 'This is What I'm Doing' Club. In quick summary, this is a brief list of what is to happen in 2010:
The Opera School
Queen's stuff
Chiasma Trio
Another trio (!) - yet un-named
Other chamber music stuffs? Other projects
Stuff at Jude's (yay!)
Work will hopefully be made up of gigs, accompanying, other music-y stuffs
Chamber Camp in September (the only thing that was in pen in my diary for a while!)

And I was worried about it being empty....I don't think so anymore!

A long trip home

So, I'm finally home. But getting home was far more difficult than I anticipated.
Ed sent me to the airport - I had left lots of time, which was cool. The flight left at 9.25pm, and I'd arrived by 7.45pm - plenty of time! But when I arrived, the terminal was full of people, people were sitting all over, not necessarily in a line. There was general chaos, the board flashed flights that were 'Delayed' or (even worse) 'Cancelled'.

So, it turns out that a Telstra cable to T3 (where the Virgin Blue terminal is set up) was cut and all computer-operated systems were not functioning. Manual check-ins, serious delays, too many people to comprehend at any one time. All we could do was wait. And wait we did. And we waited until they announced that there were only going to be four (later two, as two were cancelled due to airport curfews) flights (operated by Virgin Blue) leaving Melbourne Airport. Ours was not one of them. :(

So then, we had to proceed downstairs to see what accommodation we could be fixed up with. There was a massive line. Apparently they were trying to accommodate four to five thousand people. That is a lot of people!
But somehow we managed to find ourselves at the front of a second line, and put our names down on the accommodation list. Then there was more waiting. Lots of it. There were all sorts of phone calls (many!) and eventually they started calling out people's names to board buses to head to the hotel. This all took a long time, and at close to midnight, was pretty draining. A busload of us were taken to The Sebel in Albert Park which turns out is a 4.5 star hotel - can't complain! Admittedly, we took some photos of the hotel, because it's been a while since I stayed in a hotel (and such a nice one at that!). We made sure not to touch anything from the mini-bar (ridiculously over-priced!), had an awful view of the next building, but the bed was comfortable, there were fluffy white towels and the only thing not provided was a toothbrush. But at about 1.45am, I finally crashed into bed.

There wasn't much sleep to be had either, unfortunately...back home, my mum was crazily trying to reschedule a flight and I got woken up by a text that arrived at close to 4am telling me that she'd managed to get us on a 9.25am flight - exactly 12 hours after the original flight. Which meant getting to the airport well before the hotel's check-out time of 11am. I wasn't all too smart about it all - it would have been nice to use the hotel's facilities, but was keen to avoid a hot Melbourne day. We got to the airpot at about 7.15am (far too early after a frantic night!). We ate Macca's for breakfast (gross, but wonderful simultaneously), sat around, stood in a line for a while and were delayed (again!)because:
i) the previous flight was delayed;
ii) the flight was over-booked and they had to ask for volunteers to get off that flight
iii) we waited for other passengers from a connecting flight (which was delayed) to get on the plane.

But finally we were off to Perth. Finally. It was such a relief to be back on the other side of the country. Even though I really love Melbourne and the people there; it would have been hugely awkward to have said bye to everybody and then ring people up and murmur, "Ummm...I'm sitll here..." Hah.

So that is the saga that was.


In previous news (in concise manner):
1. Moving out was painful (for my back) and a bit hectic, but thankfully worked out in the end.
2. Tasmania was wonderful. A fantastic experience - learning, musical, trip-wise. Will have to go back there to actually go on holiday. Walked places (muchly!), walked hills (very large ones..). Made friends (yay!). Had a cool piano tutor (amazing woman!).
3. Lived out of suitcase for another week and a bit. Amess St was fun. Reherasals were good. Wasn't 'home' much.
4. Masters Recitals: horn one was good; page-turning was fun, not being able to play electronics due to technical glitches were not so fun...
Vocal one was also good - much more involved! But went really well. Love French.
5. Wedding was good, as was reception. Fun times were had by all.
6. Was good to see two friends from Perth in Melbourne. Yay!

Am yet to catch up on all the sleep from this year...but hopefully it is getting there. Have some appointments (you know, parent-organised) but apart from that, will hopefully be learning some concerti, sleeping, going to the beach, possibly learning guitar....

Themes of 2010

Shostakovich. Mozart. Strauss. E Flat Major. My drink - LLB. No other :) Local hangouts. Dumplings. Yum-cha. Calamari. It's free on 3! Collaborations. Yes. No. Up. Down. Black and white. Black and silver. Collaborative study.

So. Scared.

I hope I don't get lost.
Probably not on email, so ring me......

The stuff you do and the stuff you don't

If you've known me for a long time, or even just a short time, or have followed any of my progress through life of late, you'll know that this year has been filled with some of the most amazing highs and deep lows. You'll know that I've smiled lots and very widely this year with some people, but you might or mightn't know that I've probably also cried more this year than the previous four combined.

You'll know of the decision I have come to make that I wanted to pursue music full-time in my life. But you'll also know that my Plan A went astray. As did my Plan B. And you'll know that I don't make Plan Cs because I usually go with A, or at least, B.

And you'll know that I have amazing friends who support and love me. But you'll also know that I've found it hard to devote as much as I like to all of them individually. You'll know that I have a bunch of really close friends for different things. But possibly no one person crosses all those different things.

You'll know that I spent the last five years asking myself the same question. And have come to a sort-of conclusion by now. But you'll also know that I love learning just for the sake of it.

You'll know that I am a little bit crazy and say yes to all sorts of things. But you'll also know that there are some times that I think my youthful enthusiasm gets me into all sorts of situations that are possibly way beyond me.

You'll know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist (I think it comes with being one of those pianists). But you mightn't know that I'm getting really good at faking it too. Handy, but not necessarily good all the time.

You'll know that I like having the next week of my life planned out and if you want to catch up, you'll need to make sure I put it in my diary and allocate time for it. But you'll also know that I have only vague plans for next year and what it looks like. And you'll know that I am so scared about not being able to pay rent, pursue what I actually want to, not learn in the way I want to, not achieve the things I want to.

You'll know that my next week is fully booked. But I have no idea where to put the other things. And sometimes I think you think you know that there isn't enough time. But you mightn't know that if you really want it and ask, I'd make time.

You'll know that if often looks like I have it all together and have it all under control. But you mightn't know that I'm padlling as fast as I can underneath the surface. And sometimes it sure doesn't feel like it's fast enough.

You'll know of the amazing opportunities that have been thrown at me. But you mightn't know that it hurts so much not to take them all, because I fear so much that I won't get anything like it again.

You'll know that I sleep about six to seven hours per night - and it's definitely not enough when it all catches up. And you'll know that I didn't avoid to manage the university student typical coffee addiction within the last four weeks of uni.

You'll know that I operate at about 70% on any given day. But even I don't really know what it's like to feel 100%. You'll know that I probably need to take better care of myself. But I think I need other people to look after me, because I know I probably wouldn't.

You'll know that I'm a bit of a workaholic. But you mightn't know that I also manage to waste a lot of time doing I-don't-know-what. And you mightn't know that there are some days I just want to laze around and do nothing, but you'd know that I'd rather usually do that with other people.

You should know that I love and care so much for my friends that I would do almost anything for them - and I get upset when I can't. You might see it as favouritism, coldness to some or others, but you'd know it if you were on the receiving end. You'd perhaps know if you can hear the smile when I pick up the phone, or saw it just before I did.

You'll know that I don't like putting people out of their way. But you mightn't know that if I ever do, it's either because I really like you (and think that you might like me enough to do so too) or I really don't and couldn't really care less. Having said that, it is not my intentional aim though to do so.

You'll know that I love this city, most because of the people I've met and the friends I've made, but also because of the things that I've done in it, and the memories I have of certain things. But you'll know that I also have a little bit of an itch to go elsewhere, but I'm so scared of leaving all this to somewhere new and unknown, or even old and now-unknown.

not the daily grind

But at the same time, yes it is....go figure.
The ups and downs continue, but perhaps with less volatility. Heck, this sounds like a comparison of the Australian economy pre- and post-1980s reform. Wow. NERD!

And so it goes...some of the ups:
*music-king
*concerts - both playing and watching
*rehearsals, intense tutes
*amazing singing. That made me almost cry on both occasions :)
*celebrating with friends
*remembering what awesome friends i have
*tramming adventures
*eating adventures
*'study breaks'-cum-adventures
*randomness
*popping-ins to say hi
*running into friends
*crazy photos (in the library!)
*spontaneous excursions
*talking for hours
*communal study sessions
*good food
*good friends


and some of the downs:
*can't read it!!
*what does it all mean???
*study for hours
*study unproductively for hours!
*realising how much I don't know
*obnoxious people

And those with no specific category:
*The 'Don't Know' Club slowly morphing into the 'I think I may have a bit sorted out' Club. Don't worry, we'll see be there for each other!
*Big ideas. Scary. But cool.
*Making some decisions. Scary also.
*Sorting out the short-term life. CRAZY!
*Knowing the lines
*P.R.!
*Stuff to look forward to. But so much to do around it!

My questions:
*Isn't it obvious?
*Why is it like that?
*What would it be like?
*Why don't you just tell me?
*What would you think?
*How would you react?
*Would that be weird? (Because it's totally out of character)
*What's going to happen?
*Can we still do that stuff?
*Do you want to?
*How can we make it work?
*How can I make it happen?
*Are we just dancing around the issues?

Yup, I'm a question-asker.....

ups and downs

about nine months ago i thought i had it all figured out.
and in the last three months it's come crashing down and rebounding up and shattering in all directions.
so much stuff has come up.
august was supposed to be my month of just keepin' on truckin' (and smiling too!). september was supposed to be yours. and then october. but somehow, i felt like i've had to keep telling myself to keep on truckin' and smiling through all of those months. who woulda thunk?
the last four weeks of uni have gone by so quickly - a few bits of assessment here and there. so much performing to do. the last couple of weeks have been C.R.A.Z.Y. So much stuff packed into such little time.
lots of it has been so much fun, couldn't have asked for much more.....much music-ing, crazy rehearsals, emails flying back and forth, comp finals.....(after weird dream!)

but now there is so much other stuff to think about.
i'm scared.
i don't know.
i don't make decisions for myself...!
all so uncertain.
so many ups and downs.

i'm so scared to leave uni - an end of an era. but it means that i lose that certainty. and i've always been one of those people who like to know what is going to happen. guarantee. now what?
feels like limbo.

all so much. have possibly cried more in the last three months than any other three month period of the last five years...!


i'm always doubting my abilities. so to have any suggestion that what i'm doing is not valid makes me doubt even more.

i wish i were that good so that the choices might have been easier...

random ii

negativity. stop. not interested. not funny. tone of voice. get it. you don't understand. you possibly never will. if you really knew. if i don't, i probably don't really care. don't like those nicknames. they're for people who actually know me. weird stalker fashion. talk too much. immature. get over it. assume. wrong. indirect. vague. unsure. misconstrue. dislike.


appreciate. good questions. care. ask. just not prying. make me laugh. make me smile. for good reasons. no reason at all. enjoy the silence. enjoy the sunshine. crazy. madness. in it. support. passion. sincerity. appropriate. encourage. even if you don't understand. that's what wins it.

random

sorry for stuffing y'all around. but thanks for coming. thanks andy. concerts. stolen lemon. miss talking to you. everybody else's parents. can't figure out why it may feel awkward to hug? frick! the 'don't know' club. got a good feeling? too much chiasma love - is there such a thing? programme notes. wearing black. 'no idea'. wearing some colour. lemon on mantlepiece. faure. less than two weeks?! french music. debate. over until exams. exams??? grace.

almost every hour for four days planned and accounted for. worry. too much anxiety. grace.

Childhood III (and not)

I used to think:
* that people had to get married to somebody of the same ethnic background as themselves. (Borne out of the belief that people had to marry people with the same coloured hair as themselves!)
* that 'detergent' was actually 'letergent'.
* that cars (and other vehicles) weren't rigid, and when they went around corners, the body curved around.
* that 'cholesterol-free' on margarine tubs meant that you didn't pay for the cholesterol, you got it for free in the margaine. Similarly with MSG-free etc.
* that perfect pitch was something that everybody had - I didn't think it was a special skill or anything, and couldn't understand why people couldn't just pick out notes like I could.
* that I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, marine biologist or architect. Or lecturing at an institution like Oxford, Cambridge, or Harvard. Sigh.
* that uni and college would be completely filled with intellectually engaging people. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty that are (and almsot all my friends are) but there are others.....


I never thought:
* I'd finish high school, let alone finish university....and here I am, two weeks away from the undergraduate instalment...
* I'd actually be studying at university away from home. I'd definitely been eyeing it for a long time, requesting prospectuses from anywhere and everywhere, and doing all the relevant homework. But considering how much it cost, I was pretty sure there was no chance I'd be going anywhere other than UWA...
* he'd know that I ever liked him. Whaddaya know, sometimes boys aren't as dumb as we girls make them out to be, even at the age of fourteen...
* my music would be such a focus of a my life. Not until the last few years, anyway.


I've always thought:
* that I'm a shy and introverted person. Contrary to apparently popular belief...
* I would have the label/stereotype of nerdy Asian... :P Seems it still sticks?!

Stories from Childhood II

I just went to the London Philharmonic Orchestra concert tonight and it made me think about the fact that it wasn't the first time I've seen them...!
So here we go with another few stories....

This one (the larger picture) I could go on for a very long time if you let me. So maybe I'll just tell the original bit as intended.
In 2002 I was given the amazing opportunity to go on exchange from my school to a wonderful little school in Connecticut, USA. I had a most wonderful time, and still have very fond memories, which pop up every so often. Sometimes there'll be something that happens now and I'll suddenly remember a time at Westover when...
Anyway, the 20th Century Art and History class (I think!) were going on a class trip to Carnegie Hall to see the LPO conducted by Kurt Masur. The ticket was expensive at the time, being a student and given the poor exchange rate. But I thought it would be pretty darn cool, so I coughed it up. And we drove the two hours it was to New York to see the orchestra. We had dinner at some burger place in NYC (Yes, I can say I did that!), remember that the 10% tip worked out to be quite significant, and then went to Carnegie Hall. Wow. I've been there, totally mind-blowing for me now hehe!
The playing was excellent, was all I remember. They played Strauss' Till Eulenspiegel - little did I know that we would be studying this piece in class the following year! Yuri Bashmet also played a viola concerto (I think Walton, did he write one?!). I didn't appreciate who he was at the time. There was also something else on the programme, but obviously something I didn't really know....Ah, so much was lost on me at the age of fifteen! But I do remember it was an excellent concert. Kurt Masur, as I read in tonight's programme and recalled being told about, actually went to the LPO in 2002 from the New York Philhamonic, so there was great sentiment for him in New York so the audience was very excited to hear this great visiting orchestra with a music personality they cherished very much.

Perhaps I might continue on the exchange stories - they're sitll technically my childhood, and they are very strong memories....but if at any time you'd like to hear any more of them, I would love to spill them all, but only if you've got lots of time!

The first (and possibly only, so far?!) assessment I failed was in English II at Westover - the diagnostic grammar test in Bruce Coffin's class. I'd only ever done a little bit of English grammar, and that was largely not at school, but rather out of a workbook that my mum had given me a number of years prior. So apart from classifying simple nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs, there were a bunch of other categories, and lots of exceptions - and different terms for when it functioned differently! Now this teacher was one who marked in a very solid-coloured and tipped pen, I recall it was red for this test. I got my test back a week later with a "50 E/F" on it. I'd never got an F before - how disappointing. He asked to speak to me, and he seemed like such a gruff man, I was so scared! But I explained how we didn't do English grammar in Australia and I didn't know much. He understood and accepted, but also pointed out that it was important in this class, as one day of every week was to be spent on grammar, so I needed to learn it, and that every week (Friday morning?) we would have a one-on-one consultation for me to learn grammar. I remember my final report included something along the lines of "I am impressed with the pluck that Gladys goes about learning grammar".

I don't remember much about New Girl Camp. But I know I went, as I have a photo from it! I knwo it was a pretty cool location, with all sorts of fun activities and stuff. We chose which spirit team we wanted to be on (go Overs!) made these posters, wrote our names on the bottom of these wooden boats (which were later floated in the lake with a candle on them...??). And we travelled back on buses in our spirit teams where we learned cheers and got to know the Over heads.

The little music practice room was a pokey little room next to the Assembly Room. I think I was shown it when I asked the music teachers at the school. It was very small, I think it had a brown grand piano in it, and was fairly claustrophobic. But there was this cupboard in there that had all manners of sheet music, which I explored. It was a litle scary though, considering it was a school with many traditions, stories, history....being in there alone in the evening and night felt a little creepy! But I spent quite a few hours away whiling away at my music....

I remember the Red Hall. It was a beautiful room, and as the name suggests, actually red. Red carpet, beautiful wooden furnishings, cute little lounges on each side with tables and banker's lights. I first walked into this place on the Registration Day - it was such a strange experience to walk into a different school knowing that this was going to be somewhere I was going to live and study at for the next term. A few other memories of this particular room include:
i) that night pretty early in the semester when it stormed at night and the fire alarms went off. I was so taken by how well-drilled everybody was in evacuation procedures, and how calm both Zoe and Pam were! We walked to the LBD in our coats-over-pjs, watching the lightning cast an amazing (and scary) picture of the exterior of the school. And the doors were locked - so much for the evacuation meeting spot! We all had to go back into the school and congregate in Red Hall. And the next morning, the school had already come up with a plan for an alternative evacuation meeting spot.
ii) Playing at a community event held at the school. The piano was moved to the landing of the stairs (how, I do not know still!). But the music teachers had asked three of us to play some background music(including one very lovely, but intimidating senior haha). Everything was far too loud so there was much soft pedal and little touch, hardly ideal, but fun nevertheless. I received a letter of thanks afterwards from the organisation (?, the Family Servies of Greater Waterbury? I don't even remember, but I do have it at home, I think!) which was very kind.
iii) Making an announcement at the final Wednesday assembly of the term, where Marie and I presented the library with a couple of books (of Australia, of course haha). Actually, I stood up and held them up for all to see, Marie did all the talking because I was a) too scared to speak in front of all those people! and b) afriad I was going to cry from being so sad that I had to leave so soon!

There was that one time Zoe said she felt like bouncing off the walls, so we did. Literally. It was hilarious. All three of us in our (fairly massive!) triple room, Zoe, Pam and Gladys. We also had parts in the George Washington Bridge song, which we sang while brushing our teeth. I had so much fun with those girls :D And I did also love the rest of my corridor, as well as the other girls who came a'visiting regularly. They were so much fun, such lovely girls. We used to hang out in Tracy's apartment chatting and eating yummy food she cooked for us (especially the bit of time between Study Hall and In-Room/Lights Out), watching old school Disney movies, playing with her two sons, furiously write emails and chat in the pods (hehe! I def. remember that!), talk on the phone in the phone cupboard (not kidding, 'cupboard'!). There were quite a few rules, but they never felt imposing, nor unfair. It seemed that everybody respected them and abided by them (for the consequences were very serious if not!) and they weren't there to be broken but rather so that everything functioned smoothly and well. I'd never seen anything else like it before, and possibly anything since!

In choosing classes, I was allocated a few that they thought would be suitable for me, and gave me a few options. English II was a necessary, and I was also allocated to a maths class, 'North vs South' (American History), Astronomy and I requested to study Latin I. Marie and I went to a few Astronomy classes, which were very interesting - Terry Hallaran was obviously very interested in it and was so enthusiastic about teaching it and imparting knowledge to his students. On the first day, we attended this class in the science classes (which we struggled to find!) and in that first class we were asked about how the stars and stuff looked different in the southern hemisphere. Heck, I hardly gaze up at night, but luckily the Southern Cross is on the Australian flag, so we mentioned something about it as being an important constellation, thankfully to his satisfaction! I however, decided that Astronomy was not a class I was interested in - if anything, I wanted to do something like Chemistry, but I think I wasn't given the option, or realised that there would be far too many hours than I was interested in, so I decided not to take any science for the term! The history class was mostly made up for Seniors and Juniors, so I know I felt pretty out of place being a sophomore. I think they wanted us to take an American history course, considering we were exchange students (rather than the European history course that most sophomores take). It was a very stimulating class, and Lisa Marie made history very exciting. It was possibly one of the best history courses I've taken at any time in my education. And we received a copy of the American Declaration of Independance and Constitution in a little maroon-covered book. I still have it at home. I wanted to study Latin because I didn't have the opportunity at home, and it was something I was interested in. The instructor, Chris Sweeney, was an excellent teacher. The class was small (five of us?) so it was intimate and we had plenty of speaking time. Chris expected much of us, but was encouraging when we weren't quite so confident or competent just yet. And he had the most intense stare, espcially after he asked you a question (eg. "Can you tell me what case the........is?" Insert piercing look that questions you expecting great things here). He was such a dedicated teacher; I particularly remember during the study day(s?) he was willing to stay at school in the evening till after the study hall that day to help us with last-minute revision (for the exam the next day!) across the boards of his classroom. That's dedication.
The math class, I'm not sure I ever made it to that one. But somehow I figured out pretty quickly that the math class for 'normal' sophomores was not for me and I didn't want to be bored (see previous Stories from Childhood post about my mathematics education). I ended up in Sarkis' class, Pre-Calculus, which was mostly Juniors (a couple of seniors?), which was pretty intimidating - I didn't want to be 'that exchange student in the sophomore class who thinks she's really smart'. But I had a couple of really nice friends who were welcoming about it all. I did pretty well in the class - there were a few different ways that they taught stuff, but I suppose it's like they say in that movie, math is the same in every country! I particularly liked the fact that I knew a bit of the stuff we started off doing, but also learnt some other stuff along the way (which turned out to be stuff that I learnt in math classes the following year back in Australia!). And the boards on the other walls of the classroom (not already with windows) where we'd all solve a problem at the same time. The intention of the boards was so that the teacher could ask a question, and everybody could work it out on the board, and then we could look at how everybody else did it - collaborative (not the right word?!) learning. Interactive, maybe. It was great! I also remember gonig to a few one-on-one consultations with Sarkis, who was very kind and encouraging of my progress in math. My grade had nothing to do with how I was supposed to learn.

I was also in the Fall production of Claire Luce Booth's 'The Women', with the inimitable Marla. I'd never been in a play before. I think I took drama so I could avoid playing sport (field hockey or soccer. I'm really unco, truly.....). So over the course of the term, we selected a play, auditioned for parts, got the roles, rehearsed, put together the set, costumes and what nots. What an amazing experience! I had lines to learn as homework (however many it was...a fair few!). I auditioned for the part of the only non-adult (hah) in the play, the 7-or-so-year-old daughter of one of the main characters; I think I was the only person that wanted that particular role, so I suppose I was very lucky! We performed the show twice, I think (or maybe once, I don't even remember!). It was wonderful to be in the class with girls from other classes, especially the very talented seniors and juniors who were very kind and welcoming. I was lucky to play with Sara as my mother (what fun!) and to discuss American burgers with Crystal, hang with Molly....among many other things.

Alas, as mentioned before, I could go on for a long time about my time at Westover. It was truly wonderful, and a very life-forming experience. But it is late, and there are many stories, not enough time, and not enough energy at the present to tell them all.
Until next time....

Six months

I just want six months to not have an institutionalised schedule (much as it mostly works for me). Six months to sleep a decent number of hours each night. Six months to take time for myself. Six months to keep building relationships, and care more about the ones I have neglected for the past year. Six months of not functioning at 70% every day, and to not be constantly sick. Six months of exploring, learning, developing personally. Six months to be able to say yes to things I'd really like to do. Six months to spend time growing. Six months to see if I'm able to do freelance work (scary thought). Six months of not feeling like I'm always behind. Six months of not feeling under-prepared for so much. Six months of not doing stuff I don't particularly enjoy. Six months of being able to catch up with friends, able to spend time how I want to, and to care more.
I'm not sure how I'm going to do it, nor how I'm able to explain it. But I'm pretty sure I need it.

Random stories from childhood

I've been thinking in the last little while about various stories of my life. I think most of it is pretty boring, but when I try to re-tell it to myself or consider it from a more mature perspective, I find they are quirky. So I thought I'd try to re-tell some of them.....
In no particular order:

* Our family has been in Australia for seventeen years. I remember bits of it hazily, the whole leaving part. We had been staying at my mother's brother's house in KL and my aunt was pregant at the time. The day we left for Australia was the day that my cousin was born, so when his birthday rolls around each year, we remember how many years we've been here.
It was quite strange. I don't really remember much about it, except that at the airport, my parents and extended were very sad. Everybody was crying. I didn't understand why, I just thought we'd see them again soon. Youthful ignorance...

* I got my first mobile phone at the age of about seventeen. It was an old model from my cousin, which I didn't mind. It was the first time I had a phone! It was pretty exciting. I remember trying to figure out predictive text by myself for the first time and getting so confused and frustrated that I vowed to not use it. But I asked a friend of mine and she explained it all. Since then, I've used predictive text.. :P

* Taking Food and Nutrition classes at high school were great fun. They were essentially cooking classes. It was an elective in grades nine and ten, which I elected to take. I pretty much didn't know how to cook before that. I still don't feel overly confident in the kitchen, but the classes were good at least for letting me try stuff! I also took Cake Decorating in grade ten, much to the amusement and enjoyment of my brother. Subject selection in pre-TEE serious years requires one to put in a ranking of subjects that one would like to take. Not all of them have to be ranked, indicating that you don't want to take the subject at all. I indicated Cake Decorating at No. 5 (my last preference), thinking that it was such a low rank that there was no way that I'd be taking it. Much to my surprise, however, it turned up on my timetable. I was actually an average student in that class, but again, not very confident. And possibly the funnest slack class because of what we were doing, although I have to admit that I didn't enjoy the people in my class overly much.

* In year 8 Maths, possibly in the first class (which was already somewhat streamed), Mrs Sawyer gave us a diagnostic test. It was possibly one of the easiest things I'd done, and subsequently got it all right. The teacher soon after spoke to me and told me it'd be boring to keep me back through high school if I had already learnt lots of the stuff. So she had a meeting with my parents later, and my proposed maths schedule for the next few years was as such: I would take Yr 8 maths as per normal, and in Yr 9, I would study both Yr9 and Yr10 Maths. The teacher for both my yr 8 and 10 maths was the same so she could spend one day a week teaching me the material and helping me out. And then the plan was that by the time I got into Yr 10, I could take one of the Yr 11 maths, and in Yr 11 take one of the TEE maths, giving me more space in my schedule to fit in another TEE subject if I so desired. So in yr 10, I was going to one of my yr10 math classes with friends in my year, but my maths class was the Yr 11 Geometry and Trigonometry class. Now, it is a fairly strange concept in Perth (or at my school) at least that girls in different years are in the same class. The system works by what grade you are in. So, I felt a bit of a loner in this class, even though I knew of most of the girls. Thankfully, there were some very kind people, and the class members as a whole were nice. As it turns out, I was doing well in Yr 9 with the extra maths simultaneously, but ended up going on exchange halfway through yr10. Therefore, when I came back to St Mary's in yr 11, I re-enrolled in Geometry and Trigonometry (with possibly the same teacher??) again and took the class (and the subsequent year) as per 'normal' with my year.

* In pre-primary, which I attended for about two and a half months when we first moved to Australia, we had a Christmas event at the end of the year. Our class put on a 'production' of Wombat Stew. (Classic!). I remember I was one of the animals and had to wear a mask, and dance around in a circle. Fun.
Then 'Santa' came to give out presents and visit us. Our parents had been prior to this to provide a present for their child that Santa could distribute. I don't think I ever believed in Santa, and this was well and truly confirmed at the age of five when this Santa gave me a present, and it was a box of coloured pencils, very similar to a number of other boxes of very similar coloured pencils we had in a drawer at home.

* My brother and I used to share a room at at old house. The room itself was actually fairly large. We had a cavity in the wall where the old TV sat - spoiled children much?!?! Admittedly, we didn't watch it that much...although I do remember towards the end of our time there watching some cricket (for the most part, dead boring to me!). My bedtime was usually earlier than my brother's, but sometimes if I hadn't fallen asleep, I'd hear him being tucked in. Or sometimes he was noisy, and I'd get woken up and be very annoyed! He also breathes quite loudly which used to annoy me out of my brain that sometimes I'd poke him until he turned the other way... :P

* I've had relatives and other family friends tell me that I have my maternal grandfather's facial shape. It's funny, I don't really communicate much with my grandparents as both of my mum's parents don't really speak English (my grandfather not at all), and I suppose largely because most of my childhood was spent growing up away from them. So to have a physical link to my grandparents (besides the obvious one) is something that makes me think that I really am identifiable with my family, but still in a distanced way.


That's it for today's installment. More random stories to come another day....

How did it get to be halfway through already??

Wow, the first week has gone by so quickly!
Holidays....NOT......
'Non-teaching period' just means I don't have to go to my oh-so-strenuous twelve hours of class. That doesn't mean that it's not trying though....which I assure you, some of it is!
I've had some rehearsals, which have been good. I've already watched two trashy chick flicks in boredom. I've cooked a little. I went shopping last weekend with A & E for jeans (successful, yay!) and little else, pity. Oh well.
Had a Quintet Day, which involved a rehearsal, Yum Cha for lunch and an OV concert. It was fun :) The boundaries blur a little with these things - sometimes not a good thing, I suppose in other professions, but perhaps good at this stage??
Sorry if I can't manage to squeeze you in this coming week. Help me out here, it's pretty crazy...

Monday 28th: Morning practice; 2pm Rehearsal; 4pm Play in Horn Masterclass. There's supposed to be three people, but one hasn't contacted me, so I hope she's not expecting me to play for her..

Tuesday 29th: Morning practice; Lunch with my cousin whom I haven't seen for about seven years (!!); Vocal Ensemble rehearsal 3pm; 4.15 meeting with a classmate for a tute presentation; Back at college for 5.30 shift of SCR duty

Wednesday 30th: Trio rehearsal in the morning; Own practice; 3pm Rehearsal at South Melbourne; 4pm Play in horn masterclass. Have to learn 1st movement of Hindemith in four days...eek!! Night: Mnozil Brass concert. If you haven't seen these guys, check it out on YouTube, they're pretty cool! I incidentally also won tickets to another concert on the same night, but unfortunately can't be in two places at the same time. If anybody figures out how, let me know. I would owe you big time.

Thursday 1st: Quintet Day, involving two tutes (eek!), thankfully (hopefully?!) separated by lunch, hopefully followed by Guitar Hero.....supposed to be on duty in the evening too, but desparately trying to swap it!!

Friday 2nd: Morning practice; soundcheck for weekend in the morning; possibly a concert to play in at 12pm; Play in Horn Masterclass (but nobody's contacted me yet, so who knows?!?!)

Saturday 3rd: Trio; 1.30pm Russian concert (some celebratory concert, where we're playing Kurtag, which is possibly the very opposite of celebratory, considering that the last movement of 6mins duration, which is half the piece, is a slow passacaglia of approximately 25-30bars resembling death....) Should be hilariously awkward :P 2pm Engagement Party #1; 7.30pm Engagement Party #2

Sunday 4th: Somebody remind me to change my clock....
MSV Comp 2.30pm We're playing sometime in the concert.....

So sorry if I can't fit you in, I'll try my best...but I'm supposedly also working on two group presentations, preparing accompaniment for possibly two important auditions, doing a few assignments (huh, what??), keeping on top of stuff. No wonder I haven't had time to work on my own solo stuff :( That's ok, something has to give, right?

And if anybody can help me out with why blogger is not in the nice new formatting style that doesn't have this awful old-school font, I would be very appreciative.

Other thoughts have included:
Why am I playing so much 20th/21st century music? And what's with the sharp increase (read, infinity-sized) of Hindemith in the past three weeks? From nothing to two!
And why aren't I going to Tasmania with anybody? Please tell me somebody is going, and I can hang with them?!?! I'm scared..!
Also have not liked thinking about life after this year :( What to do, where to live. It's scary and I don't know.
I adore playing and hanging out with you guys. You're wonderful :)
I miss you guys heaps, I feel like I've lost touch with you because I've been so busy :( How to make it go back to how it was???
I always thought I was one of those people who knew exactly what was going on, and always had a plan. Now I'm not so sure. And I'm not sure if I like it. Nor if I can trust that it's all going to work out nicely.

Found about AYO stuff last week.....and I clicked the green 'Accept' button for 2010 Chamber Music Camp. I'm excited, should be good. Though I'm a little scared, because my wind/brass/percussion friends obviously can't do it. So I hope I know some people, or at least get on really well with the people I'll be playing with *scared smile*

Melbourne's being Melbourne again, of course. A week and a day ago, it was the most beautiful day - ate lunch in the sun and absorbed amounts of Vitamin D. We even went for gelate in the afternoon and B & I stayed out talking in the park till he had to head off. It was great! And then somehow the past few days have turned to winter....*dislike* I don't get it!!

A two week reprieve?

Finally, the mid-semester break, which is positioned not mid-semester. Whatever.
It has been a crazy past two months; I've tried to keep smiling through all of August and as much September has happened. I don't think I realised how hard it was going to be to consistently putting my body and brain under so much pressure, day-in day-out with not much rest in-between it all.
There have been class performances, rehearsals extraordinaire, phone calls back and forth, not being able to get onto people, assignemnts to look forward to (urgh), an enjoyable football match, a mini (or not so insignificant) Victorian road-trip to Geelong and Ballarat, fun times playing and hanging out backstage, Asian photos, meeting K.Rudd, a couple of trips to South Melbourne, fun playing times, extra meetings here and there.....
And that was within two weeks...

So, there are two weeks of 'Non-teaching' which apparently ≠ holidays. Well, I'm pretty sure that is true in my case.
Here is what needs to be done:
*Australian Economic History: write essay; tute prep (working in advance on a presentation a classmate and I have to do in week 10); lecture/tute reading
*Experimental Economics: Assignment (tute presentation with two other classmates); reading; problem set

Question: How did I end up with two tute presentations in my final semester of university? I think I've only ever done two in my entire degree(s!) so far!!

*Accounting: Quickbooks assignment (gross), possibly after learning HOW to use Quickbooks in the first place..; tute prep; reading I haven't done for the past.....errr...seven weeks :S; learning material I haven't understood for the past....six weeks.... :S
How did first year subjects get so hard?!?!

*Organise Chamber Music stuff, including tutes and dates for exams..
*Have rehearsals for Vocal Ensemble, for a Composition project
*Think about next year (actually suspecting this is losing all novelty value very quickly as it looms and is scary. If anybody would like to help me out, I would love you forever...)
*Rehearsals for auditions/other fun stuff....
*Work: Library, also possibly a teaching gig, MIFB (horn masterclasses woo!)
*Trio rehearsals woo! And a concert for some Russian celebratory thing......I can't really remember the details, but all I know is that it's going to be hilarious (as we're playing the Kurtag, not very 'celebratory'...) and really awkward :P
*Quintet days! Day 1: Rehearsal, lunch, concert Day 2: Tutes. Yes, multiple. With lunch in-between. And possibly some fun shenanigans afterwards to chill out :) Fun-ness.
*Go to concerts, including MIFB stuff, possibly others...??

Yes....so....that 'holiday' ey....?

a few points

* So, I said that it'd be less busy this week. Whatever. About ten rehearsals in all this week. Eek. STRESS (just a little)
* Subsequently, have cancelled work, and possibly will cancel all other things that aren't super-pressing. Sorry :(
* In that promo video when asked "Who are you?" I should have said, with the sign to accompany, "I'm Asian!". Probably one-third of the church would have cried with laughter, some more than others. :D The best ideas always come after the actual thing. Everybody already knew I was crazy, little and eccentric.....
* Essaying not going so well. Gross. So hard. Interesting, but hard.
* Really enjoying this version of the Beethoven - piano part so interesting, why can't I play like that?
* Desk needs some serious cleaning. I'm serously contemplating paying somebody to do it for me...as well as the rest of the house...
* Still debating about next weekend. Ahh, don't know what to decide. At first, I was like, "totally yes!" but now I'm not so sure. Cop out, ey? Sigh...
* I'm exhausted
* As I trammed into the city, away from uni, to South Melbourne today (in the middle of the day!) I felt this thing that said 'Wow, this is so liberating!' and didn't really feel like returning to the real world of uni...sadness!

Crazy times

Fun happenings -
Music Ball: Cool big band (yes, that's right, live music!), a night to party with some awesome friends (unfortunately not all of them came, but that's ok), a swanky venue, many people dressed to the 20s theme, crazy dancing, fun photos, hat-stealing, nice bathrooms, chips and salad with our main, delicious dessert, a hilarious piggy-back race along the pier, standing around trying to figure out what to do after the ball (we stood around for about half an hour hah), maxi-taxi-ing.

Dinner with friends: sometimes at short notice. Been very impressed that they've happened, as I usually am one of thsoe people who doesn't do short notice that well. One was some beautiful pumpkin soup. The other was a drive to Burwood for some long-overdue catching up. And another was brought round to do some communal cooking. 'Tis been good.

Lunch (yum-cha): after quintet rehearsal. Three out of the five of us (I think!) had never eaten it before, so it was all a bit of fun. And tasty it was!

Concerts: Melb Uni Orchestra. Interesting - I hear lots about the happenings of orchestra through these string/woodwind/brass friends of mine...times like this that I wish I played one of those! Oh well...had a small though dedicated contingent to come hear the very Romantic programme (Mussourgsky, Rachmaninoff, Tchaikovsky). Also had MYO concert - more Rachmaninoff (Symphonic Dances) which has a cool piano part in the first movement. Fun concert, really good concert. Ravel 'La Valse' and Shostakovich 2nd piano concerto also on the menu. If you haven't heard the 2nd movt of the Shosta before, DO IT. Most beautiful thing I've heard in a long time!

Trio-ing & Quintet-ing: Plugging away at both. I think I go through phases where one seems to be going better then the other one. But I love them both very much - I couldn't bear to pick between them if I had to! This semester is very different repertoire to each other (unlike Mozart wash in E Flat Major like last!) - there is Beethoven Quintetting (similar to Mozart, but different too) and Trio-ing with Kurtag and Smit. Both 20th-century. Both quite different to Mozart!
We played some Beethoven in a couple of classes already - felt a little bit unprepared personally but it's getting there. Just need to sit down and do it, and not rely on how awesome the individual players are! Aired Kurtag yesterday in class - it's quite interesting, very Webern-like in some ways, very dramatic elsewhere. But it went down really well yay! Smit *should* be fairly straightforward to put together - there are some seriously sexy harmonies in that!

Have had super-long days of uni, especially Thursdays. Some longer than others. Including one fine example: 8am at uni to practice, 9.30am rehearsal in Melba, 10am Accounting lecture, 11am play in Concert Class, 12pm Australian Economic History lecture, 1.15pm Careers seminar, 2.15-3.45pm Experimental Economics class, 4.15-6.15pm Vocal Ensemble, 7.30pm Seminar at Trinity, 8.45pm collapse at home ready to fall into bed....

Have had a few things due at uni too; did quite well in my first two commerce assignments - Accounting (thanks to my tutor for guiding me!) and Australian Ec. History (Argument maping with cool software....anyway, the piont of this was to say that I didn't think I did a great job of it, mine was only A4 fairly small type, and I didn't think that I'd covered the points that well, but still did really well even though I was really worried when I saw other people's A3 tiny type).

Practically threw Mozart Miscellany together to a fairly high degree of success. It was a bit disconcerting that the repertoire was mostly very comfortable - not sure if I've ever experienced something like that before! ACU were very welcoming, some familiar faces in the crowd (thanks guys!) and the sextet were of course, amazing :) Love your work!

Played for Hephzibah Menuhin prelims. Had a little break in the middle, so went to a very nice cafe to have a HoCho date where we sat under the stairs. 'Twas beautiful :) Found out 'we' got into the instrument finals - was informed with this message: "We're in". I love how little we sometimes need to say, we're just on this different wavelength. I suppose that happens when you've known someone for a while and worked intensely with them, it's good. I like those partnerships.

Which segueways really well into this next point.....

I really like workshopping things and developing a relationship with people when I play with them - for me it's quite personal. I know they say it works better when you click musically, but I also am a big fan of clicking personally. Which is why I've found myself through the course of this year caring much for my trio and quintet (and also sextet!) and those people - they're the ones I see myself as aligned to. And that's not really the case at the Academy - they put things together on an ad hoc basis and pull people together as required. And there isn't really structure to how it operates. And even though my stuff and times change all the time, having some sort of structure with definites is my thing. And I'm not ready to undertake their super-rigorous programme just yet. Maybe next year, dunno. Not sure. So I officially withdrew my application.
But I'm thankful that my long-held belief that boys don't talk was shattered when I had alluded to one friend in a text message that I wasn't so sure about my audition, talked to another friend about it briefly and then the first friend called me that evening after talking to friend 2. I'm pretty chuffed to discover that they do indeed talk. And I was really thankful that friend 1 called (and that friend 2 also was concerned).
Anyway, so I actually decided, and thought it'd be important to let friend 1 and 2 know, along with some others. And I felt really relieved when I rang them up. The lady who I talked to was very kind - the conversation went a bit like this:
Me: "I'd like to talk to somebody about my audition"
Lady: "Yes, I can do that, when is your audition scheduled for?"
Me: "Tomorrow, 3.40pm. I'd actually like to officially withdraw my application."
Lady: "You don't want to reschedule? We can find a different day for you if you'd like"
Me: "Thank you, but I'm sure I would like to not audition at all as I don't think it'll be necessary.." (etc. other stuff)
Yes! She was so nice that she wanted to double-check that I didn't want a rescheduled time. She was quite comforting too, and it made me feel like I wasn't putting them at great inconvenience, which is something I don't particularly like doing either.

So, a serious load lifted after I hung up. And of course, I managed to land myself another four gigs after withdrawing for the next week and a half. Hah. What would my life be if it wasn't like this? :P A couple of them VERY short notice, but I did ok, I think.

But the recent tumblings and turnings especially of the last two and a bit weeks have made me realise how fortunate and blessed I am to have these amazing friends. Those that I know continue to support me even though I suddenly become absent and snowed under, those that will pray when I ask them, those that will check in with me to see if it's all going ok, those that call or text or email and put a smile on my face, those that would disagree with my decisions but still support me, those that give up their time to help me out, those that let me be silly and crazy and help me just relax and smile even if for a little while. Thank you, you guys are amazing.

I think I've cried more in the past three weeks than in the past while I can remember - perhaps....previous three months?! It has been a tough August, rolling into September. But I think (hope?!) I'm on the upswing - it can only get better!
And remember, we just gotta keep on truckin' and keep smiling....