There's no such thing

However much I say to myself, "Next year will be not so (insert some expression of rest or self-pacing here)", I somehow find myself in all sorts of circumstances that only seem to be escalating in excitement and busy-ness.
I'm currently reading Stephen Fry's autobiography The Fry Chronicles and have just passed a bit where he talks about his inability to say no and how much of a workaholic he is. I have to admit that I was nodding away as I read:
"To this day I am often reminded by those about me that I don't have to say yes to everything and that there are such things as holidays. I don't believe them, of course, no matter how many times they assure me it is true." (The Fry Chronicles, by Stephen Fry. Penguin Group p321) 

I also realise that I probably have not cited this properly. So much for academic writing and five years at university....!

Having said that, I did really enjoy my summer holiday, when I managed to convince myself that it was okay to take a holiday and not feel guilty about it.

But this year is gearing up to be a big year. I find myself about to launch into full-time study again, in a very specific discipline - one that seems obvious to so many people around me, but in which the process is so foreign also to the many people around me. This is not to say that they don't care or don't take an interest but perhaps that it is largely misunderstood or is perceived in quite a different way to how I actually experience it. And unfortunately I can't describe it.

I keep thinking that I have something to prove. But those who know this world reassure me that I don't really. Not in the way that I keep thinking that what I do isn't good enough or that other people around me are just so much more amazing that I will have trouble keeping up. I'm constantly reminded that I'm there to learn as much as I can and to do what I do. And that if they didn't want me at all, they wouldn't have even given me a second look. So remind me this year, please - learn and absorb like a sponge. And if it gets to the other extreme, where I have a seriously inflated view of myself - please somebody, slap me around the head many times. I refuse to let that happen and may need some help keeping it in check.

It has been an enjoyable almost-month in this city. There are free summer events, and friends to catch up with. I have thankfully been able to enjoy both to some degree of success. So much has changed that sometimes it feels awkward to be doing all this stuff, and sometimes you just have to leave the circumstances out of your control. And sometimes it all works out for the better, and to pleasantly surprise us.

As discussed with various friends and most recently on Saturday evening, I really do consider myself an introvert. You may see a different view; I suspect you see it either because you are a close friend or you see me interacting with good friends. But for those people, I am very fortunate, blessed and thankful.

I realised last year that my rate of walking had significantly slowed in comparison to previous years. Maybe that was a deliberate result of a decision made at the end of 2009 to stop and smell the roses more in 2010. I still don't think I really know how many I sniffed, nor what they really smell like. I'm not sure if there's the opportunity to do that this year; I think most stuff will be flying at me in a whizz of colours and shapes that may or may not be identifiable. Things change. 2011 is surely going to be one of those. I urge you now to fasten your seatbelt if you're taking this journey with me!

For this rambling post of weird thoughts, I apologise. The next one may be more concrete. Key word there is 'may'. No guarantees.