Finding a voice

A few weeks ago, I had a private piano lesson with a visiting artist. These are an excellent opportunity to get some other expert other than your own teacher to give you feedback and just mix things up in general. However, I often have mixed feelings about having a lesson with somebody other than my own teacher. I'm not denying that it is good to get different feedback (or even the same from somebody else, in a different, or even similar way!). But as I'm finding this year, my progress and learning has been somewhat unusual and atypical across the years. I suppose one may consider and assume that a typical pianist's education encompasses the usual suspects of Bach Preludes and Fugues (tick, well, on the way...), Beethoven sonatas (I currently play maybe one and a half of the thirty-two. I play more instrumental sonatas of Beethoven than piano sonatas!) Chopin etudes (tick, some), Liszt (umm....not much at all!), Rachmaninoff (some), and other hardcore things that require fast fingers and stuff.
So yes, somewhat atypical. I'm really happy about it, though, I have to admit.

So, I got quite a few things out of this piano lesson. But one of the big points was to not be modest about myself. Which I will tell you, is a little bit hard for me personally. It's just how I am with it all. And I suppose that performing allows one to remake themselves, to put on a persona that may or may not be reality; this then opens another can of worms about own personality, about acting, about bearing your own soul on stage or having a facade. And apparently I'm too nice! I didn't really see this as a problem, but apparently it might well be. This may be a result of playing with, and for people, for pretty much my entire piano life so far.

This, combined with a few other things, shook my confidence in my ability as a musician for about a week. One of my fears is for somebody to tell me that I lack talent, or that I'm unmusical. I know, it's completely irrational; I don't think I would have gotten to this point in my life if that were the case, but those sorts of fears sometimes creep about, waiting to pounce at moments of doubt. Which is why sometimes just having your own teacher who already knows your strengths, weaknesses, progress, hurdles and working style is enough to be content with. I have been fortunate in this regard. And it's not a matter of settling for anything, but to be thankfuly for what I have. If these teachers knew that I'd spent most of my time playing repertoire for other instruments or that I didn't really have a piano lesson per se for two years, would the approach be different?

And even if I'm too nice, or still discovering and learning to play the piano, I'm discovering that time and experiences shape us all in ways that we sometimes have little control over. It's not much use pondering over the hypotheticals of what could have been if this were different, but I'm enjoying hindsight and being able to attribute certain aspects of my personality to the experiences I've had. I'm coming to realise, with the help of teachers, mentors, friends (and personality tests!), my capabilities, my limits, my strengths and weaknesses and my distinct preferences. As I move through different stages of life, I've stopped caring so much about what everybody things, because I know it's impossible to please everyboday. It's extraordinary to see personalities develop as children grow (there is a gorgeous little girl, the daughter of a couple, that live at college and it's been pretty cool to see her grow, even week to week!). But I'm pretty sure that my personality is still being developed and forming more distinctly, even at the age of twenty-four!

So that is the pondering inside this mind at the present...