Hermit Mode

Hermit Mode probably describes me best during SWOTVAC and Exams. Because I usually hole myself up in my room, in a practice room, or in the library trying to study (ie. cram) for exams.
But of course, not before the conclusion of the semester brings a flurry of appointments, deadlines, people to see, things to do and other busy-ness.
It would probably be fair to say that most of May (and I suppose, most of the semester) was like that.
A brief run-down of May/early June so far (which hasn't already been alluded to, hopefully):
7 performances (of varying sorts...)
1 camp
5 dinner appointments
3 birthday parties (I didn't make it to two)
1 return trip in the Wiggles van
1 church camp
1 ushering job
2 microeconomics assignments
1 minimalism assignment
2 exams (oh, there are 4 more to go...)
2 lessons with another piano teacher
3 chamber music tutes
1 musical theatre show
1 MSO concert
1 AYO application
2 AYO excerpts
2 AYO excerpts with errors

It has been an interesting month or two of late.
I swing between being unenthusiastic, indifference, to musing about random things, to psyched up about various things. It doesn't make sense to me.

The state of my room has degraded to the floor space being taken up by books, files and previous days' newspapers. Not that the state of the room started out at a very neat level but it was the intention. I haven't even started studying for ITP just yet (it's on the 26th) - and I know I'm not very good at it. It will take MUCH revising and reading......
Just like Microeconomics. I really am not enjoying commerce as much as I thought I would. I thought a few years ago, that I just had to get through that year, because I was taking pre-requisite subjects, compulsory subjects, and that it'd be better in the near future because then I could take things I really wanted to take. But now I'm taking subjects to fulfill a major requirement. I'm not sure it's what I expected.
And the things I really want to take centre around Music, particularly playing as much piano as possible, and other practical activities. With a healthy smattering of techniques (including orchestration and the like) and history.

I've been listening to much 'classical' music lately, out of choice. I always listened to a lot. But now I'm choosing the things I listen to, when I study. Or want to have something to listen to. Am I getting too involved?!

I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't really know where I'm heading.

I often don't really know what to say. I sometimes feel like I have nothing intelligent to contribute to discussion, so I let it wash over me. I hope people don't mistake it for ignorance or stupidity, I'm only trying to absorb it all.

I hate turning down amazing opportunities.
But sometimes I have to.
I'm trying to have no regrets - it can be difficult.

I can't wait to play my technical exam. I can't wait to play my chamber music exam. I'm excited (though nervous) about recording my audition. I'm also excited but also a little nervous about the competition (which isn't even mine...!). I get excited about working at Impresaria.
They all have piano in common.
I wonder if I will continue to grow in enjoyment of music, or whether it will fizzle out in the future. I hope it's the former.

I often struggle to define myself much past my faith and music.

I realise that my friends don't see me as boring. But I fear that I often come across as that. Because of the above statement.

There's something that needs to be physically filled. Many try though they don't realise it. But I'll know when it's done. I'm not sure whether my reaction will be to be relieved or an outpouring of emotion or a stupid grin on my face. Perhaps all of them, simultaneously.



enough soul-bearing.
back to being a hermit...(ironically??)